Damned if I do, damned if I don't!
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| Sat, 07-07-2007 - 12:43pm |
Hi all!
I'm a 28 year old woman and I've been single, and celibate, now for 19 months. I'm still not sure, however, if I'm waiting until marriage or until I'm in a monogamous relationship. Here's the thing: prior to my celibacy, I was in several short term relationships. The pattern was intimacy after three weeks to a month after we met, and I'd feel bad because of having sex so soon. Still, we'd be together for a few months...one relationship lasted for a year. After those, I just decided that I'd rather not have sex until I was either married or on the verge of marriage. Now, as a 28 year old woman, I'm not sure.
See, I feel that if I have sex and the relationship ends, it'll be another situation where I gave that part of myself to someone and it didn't last. On the other hand, if I don't have sex, I wonder how long a man I meet will wait..will he just find it elsewhere or will he be willing to be with me, knowing that I want to wait?
Example: I finally, after like two months, talked to and exchanged numbers with this guy who I've had a major crush on. He has to be the sexiest man alive!!! LOL! He hugged me and I thought I'd melt right there on the floor...I'm like, if I can be that turned on by a hug, I'm in trouble! Of course, it's too soon to tell what kind of guy he is. If he turns out to be a good guy, what do I do? If I want to have sex with him AFTER time has gone by, I'm afraid that I'll be hurt if it doesn't last. If I don't have sex with him, will he truly wait for me?
What to do!
Edited 7/7/2007 12:46 pm ET by mali2579

I feel that if I have sex and the relationship ends, it'll be another situation where I gave that part of myself to someone and it didn't last. On the other hand, if I don't have sex,
*******
Ok, I am a guy, but don't miss read my answer as a result. Sex does not make a relationship, however sex is a pretty amazing "part of most adult relationships." The "value" you put on sex seems a bit extreme. It is a physical act, one that can be wonderful with the right partner . . .what it is not is a sacred event . . lol
If your feelings are based on deep religious believes I will stand way back and simply respect that as I don't share those beliefs. I do however know they are deep and important in the context of some peoples belief and worship, and would never want to disrespect anyone else's beliefs.
Otherwise I would just say sex is not a saccade "event" . . it is a healthy and enjoyable part of adult life when approached in a safe and healthy manor. (-; Never base or measure the success of a relationship on sex .. . but on the day to day ability to share with each other as partners. Relax and enjoy the experience and stop feeling like you gave something "away" but rather look at the wonderful experience you "gained". (-: Don't "give" it away, but share it when the feelings are real. It is such a wonderful, enjoyable part of the relationship . . .and at times when you are the most exposed to each other . . pardon the pun . . lol . . .but I do mean on an emotional level.
Believe it or not . .that is the advice I would and in fact have given my adult daughter . . and it is a recent conversation trying to get her to see what she should not be placing value in, as compared to some things she should be. (-:
And that right there is one of the major fundamental (and biological) differences between men and women. So you can give your daughter all the advice you want on this topic (and I know it's well-intentioned) but this is one thing that unless you are a woman, you just are not ever going to understand how sex affects us (and when I say "us" I do realize I'm generalizing but this is true for most women).
We're just not built that way (to be able to view sex as just sex). The effects of oxytocin are such that we are biologically caused to bond emotionally with the men we sleep with (and different women have different levels of the hormone, so there are some women for whom this isn't as true but they are very much the exception rather than the rule). When you combine the biological reasons with societal expectations and conditioning, it's nearly impossible for women to not be affected greatly by having sex. It's almost *always* going to change things for us--so even if it's not a "sacred event" it's a big deal. It makes us extremely vulnerable.
Sheri
The funny part is I had guidance from women in forming the views I have. That duel role thing again. These conversation fell in my lap. And just for clarification, I did keep the response within the context of a "relationship" . .. (-: Not "sex is just sex". I think my point was not with regard to heart break . . .but to the "gave that part away" comment. . .. I fully understand the emotional attachment . . but even without sex, investing a great deal of time and emotion in a relationship that does not work out will be painful if you give of yourself completely . .. does the addition of sex for example in a year long investment make it hurt any more or less? How long before sex is ok . . .I don't know. (-: Is waiting for marriage ok, sure . . why not if that is a core belief. I guess my point is if you are to invest the year . . .and risk the pain . . .have you gained any less "risk" by removing sex . . or just lost a wonderful part of that year?
It just felt that the context of the posting was odd . .. not so much a deep belief in no sex before marriage . . but more in line with what you said . . some fear of the pain attached when and if the relationship fails. If you invest yourself fully in love, sex or no sex . . that risk is just as real . . .isn't it? I am asking . .. just seems true to me . .for me the emotional side requires so much more than sex does, in the end it is the hard part . ..
Just for the record . . .there are people "I" regret sleeping with . .. lol . .. but I don't feel I "gave away" a part of myself . . .I just wish I could say I did not "give it" to "her". (-: It is not about loss. I am truly a person who subscribes to the better to have loved and lost side than never to have loved at all. ((-: I could never advise someone to walk away from any part of a good and healthy relationship . . .even if in the end pain is attached. You just cant get to the "failed" part without trying to succeed. (-: Do so as wisely and carefully as possible . . but in the end love is always a risk.
Yes, I did see that--I did read your post ;-). I didn't know how else to characterize the difference between the "sacred event" you talked about vs. sex as just sex, which doesn't happen for (most) women. Whether it's in the context of a relationship or not, having sex is pretty much always going to be a bigger deal to women than it is to men.
In any event, it's not so much in the context of the year long relationship that it makes a difference--it's more the 2 or 3 month long relationships where whether or not you had sex makes a *huge* difference to being able to detach and move on without as much hurt if things don't work out. A huge difference.
Sheri
My ex gf and I spoke the first night and agreed to 30 dates or some such number before anything happened . . didn't work out. (-: However on the surface it seemed a really logical and good idea! lol
Well... if he doesn't have the patience, then it's not really love, right. Love is patient. Love is Kind. I think that's verbatimly quoted from Corinthian Bible. Don't mistake Lust with love the way I've accidently found out I was in. The hardest thing about being celibate is that it is only controlled and choice that individuals make. Just because you rightously choose this path, doesn't mean your potential or next partner might be. UNLESS you find someone who agrees or is willing to compromise the "lets wait until we jump the broom" idea. It's a little old-fashion, but I think it's admirable. Good luck!
Respectfully,
-eReader_k2007