Dateless forever

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2012
Dateless forever
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 7:18am

Ladies:  Just a quick note to say "Thanks... for nothing" for a lifetime of datelessness.  I'm 57 years old, in bad health (with apparently the world's worst case of diabetes) and with a very limited life expectancy.  In the life I have led up til now, however, there's been one glaring abscence - girls / women.  The first time I asked a girl out I was 14 and she said "Yes."  When I went to pick her up, she answered the door and exclaimed "What are you doing here?"  So much for that date, and that's as far as I've ever gotten.  I never got close to a date in high school or college, and I was one of both schools' better athletes.  I figured the law of averages would kick in at some point and I'd run into some girl, somewhere, some time, who could at least tolerate my presence for a few hours.  But nope, never happened.  In my third year of college, while I was a sprinter on our track team, my roommate was the captain of the basketball team (one of the top in the country at the time).  We looked like brothers - same height, same weight, same build, could lift the same weights in the gymn, same coloring... he went through girls at a staggering rate - sometimes 3 in a day.  Meanwhile, I got nothing.  I barely had a conversation with a girl in 4 years.  Then I graduated and, for a while, specifically to TRY to find female companionship, became a bartender.  Girls flocking to the bar every night.  Did I get any action?  Hell no.  My fellow bartenders were virtually awash in female companionship, but I never got so much as a phone number.  And that's the way it's progressed up to now.  The ONLY encouraging thing that ever happened to me was that a few years ago I had a 20 year old Venezuelan intern who was absolutely in love with me.  That was truly flattering, but there was a little age difference - like 35 years, so that was pointless.  So now I'm pretty much at the end of my run, and I've never so much had lunch or dinner with a girl, gone to a movie, gone for a walk, taken a vacation with, or even watched TV with.  Basically, the entire purpose of living from a guy's perspective has been totally missing from my life.  So, again, thanks for nothing.  It would have been nice if one of you, one time, ever, had said "Yes, I'd LOVE to go to the Stones concert" or something.  Just once.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2012
Sat, 12-29-2012 - 2:45pm

First, I´d go to a Stones concert with you in a flash - I´m a die-hard fan. Smile On a more serious note, I know exactly what you are talking about. I am 35, have had two dates in my life and every guy I have been interested in (and it has been a lot of them really!) did just not feel the same way. At least noone ever let it show. Oh, and my best friend whom I was in love with for 4 years (many years ago now) came out of the closet a few years after, and he is now married to another guy. I feel stupid when my GF´s talk about anything relationship related stuff, as I know absolutely nothing about it. 12 year-olds, or younger, most likely have more of a love life than I have ever had... And there is noone I can talk to about it, as it is so embarrassing and noone would understand... Oh, and think I am a real freak. So, it feels a bit comforting to write it here.

Guys never really seem to be interested in me as anything else than as friends. And if they do, they are so much older than me that I cannot bear the thought. Or, I don´t fancy them that way. Story of my life. As a teenager, my looks were not too good and I had such a low self-esteem regarding that. No boys ever showed any interest either. Now that I am older and more mature, my self-esteem when it comes to appearance is rather good at last. But still not attracting anyone, so it is rather depressing at times. But still hoping and I am better at talking to the guys I like now, although it is difficult sometimes since I am a bit shy in that department.

Anyway, I am an old-fashioned romantic and have not given up hope yet. There just has to be someone out there for me! It has always helped me that I enjoy my own company and I have a hobby (my choir) that gives me so much joy! I have also had lots of great friends, and luckily I am still able to make new ones. Which is good, as many of my "old" friends are busy with their families and do not have time for me too often.

Wishing us both the best of luck! Smile

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Thu, 12-20-2012 - 8:42am

 you can't put the blame on women you've never met for your problems.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2012
Wed, 12-19-2012 - 10:27pm

Nope, none.  No clue.  It's like I was born with the world's greatest natural, and completely unwanted, female repellant.  And, actually, most haven't said "no."  Most, by a wide margin, said "yes" and stood me up.  That happens to some guys every once in a while; to me, it's standard operating procedure.  I'm sure I come across as bitter NOW.  Who wouldn't in my situation?  But not when I was younger.  At least, I don't think so. 

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 10:24pm
Since everyone else has already posted what I was thinking, I'll just say.... You're welcome. (Sarcasm is only going to get you more of it from me.)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 9:15pm
Like the others, I'm sorry to hear about your health troubles. But since you didn't come here to talk about that, lets focus on your trouble with women. While I think your situation is rare I don't think its impossible. I am curious about your other social relationships though. Do you make friends easily? Do you socialize with family? Are you outgoing? Do you maintain friendships with men AND women? Are you actively engaged in any social groups or regularly attend social gatherings? Because if your other social relationships are challenged then your challenges connecting romantically to women could relate to a much larger problem.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 10:48am

Do you have any insight into why you haven't had dates?  Have you regularly been asking women on dates for your whole live and every single woman said no?  I'm inferring that you weren't bad looking if you said you looked like your roommate who had tons of women so what do you think was the reason that he had all those women & you didn't?  If it wasn't looks could it be that he was more outgoing & friendly & approached women while maybe you sat sullenly in a corner wating for someone to notice you?  do you have a chip on your shoulder?  do you come across as bitter?  Maybe you never learned how to make friends and have a conversation with a woman without sizing her up as a potential "score."  Women can get that feeling about someone.

I'd say your goal for now should be to find a woman to make friends with--don't approach her as a romantic partner.  Just look at her like a human being--be friendly, ask her about herself, etc.  I don't know how bad your health is, for example, whether you are still able to go out & do things but if you are, I'd suggest trying to find a meetup group in your area.  don't go for a "dating" or singles group--just a group that does things together.  For example, I joined a dining out group--it was always 80% women and we wondered where the men were.  I have to say that one of the leaders of this group was a very shy nerdy not that great looking guy.  He stood up at one of the dinners and said that he used to be a real loner and this got him out of the house to socialize with other people.  Maybe he still didn't get dates but at least he wasn't a recluse and he practiced how to talk to people.

I find that people who blame everyone else for their problems aren't being very introspective and looking to see how their own behavior might have created that problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 10:34am

Hi; Yes sorry for your health ..

I like what JT said and sorry but do you feel you are somewhat of a social misfit..?? sorry I dont know how to word that..

I cannot relate alot to your post except for the my age. I am 58 and female yet I am very outspoken and outgoing and have a pretty good social life up to now but sometimes I feel like its the day and age we live in.. People arent as friendly or dont reach out as much as they should and are very into themselves.. That part is not your fault but you could find a group for yourself.. Maybe join something right now like a bowling team or a walking group or just do something to get you out of your self.. This way even if you dont talk to anyone you are part of the group.. I would def. also check out the health group .. There must be something near your hospital or in your hospita. I know where i live there are all kinds of support groups for health..

Have you ever tried an adult Ed class?? They are filled with the older crowd (lol)...

Even if you dont get anywhere with women or get a date you atleast put yourself out there for some companionship with others and fun and will feel a whole lot better.. I know easier said than done and its not too late.. Like I said I am 58 and I do things and I have friends and go out and still manage to have a social life..but most of the time it does take a bit of work getting out there..

good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 10:20am
I'm sorry about what happened to your health. I'm curious about the rest of this story, though. You say you had a roommate who was with a lot of women, and you were a bartender. A good bartender knows all of his regulars whether women or men, and tries to connect with all his customers. There are conversations as part of that. The same with a roommate with a lot of women friends - that means a lot of potential conversations. Not to "get action", just people to talk to. Usually with access to that many people, and the very unusual circumstance of not having any dates or even talking to women much, it doesn't add up. So I'm wondering what the heck were you doing all that time with the world going on around you?
It seems like you would have wanted to reach out, and start talking to these acquaintances or roommate. If the girls he knew weren't into you, I guarantee they knew of someone who would be open to it. And in bars, people get loopy and will talk about anything back and forth. In other words, to follow your story - it sounds like you sat back waiting to be approached without putting yourself out there and it never happened. In other words, you can't blame women for that. It seems like at some point you would have wanted to explore the world around you a little bit and find some things you could have done differently and ways to relate to people better than had been happening.
But coulda's don't help now. It's never too late. There must be diabetes support groups where you can go to now to connect with people you have something in common with and can relate. It's a start.