Dating breaks

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Dating breaks
23
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 4:30pm

I have been on a self-imposed dating break this month because I was so stressed at work and with life in general, I just couldn't deal with the added stress of dating new people and the job-interview-like process that goes with it. My break will offically be over in March.

Here's the odd part -- while on this break, I've been feeling bummed that I don't have anyone actively pursuing me right now and asking me out. I'm feeling like I might have shut down all my options, and now maybe I won't have any options when I want them. Does that make sense? I don't know how to express that clearly. It's like I'm giving off a "don't ask me out" vibe.

My 31st birthday is in a few weeks, and I'm really feeling like time is winding down for me. Like there's some voice telling me that I won't ever get a date again now that I am officially into my 30s.

So, is my dating break the death of my dating life? Did the break kill any momentum I might have built up? What do I do to kick start my love life when my break is over?

Random musings. (The sex thread also made me think my sex life might be over, too). ;)

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 1:51pm

"Maybe I should change that to "one guy who intends to catch me and keep me." :) I certainly am tired of men who enjoy the chase..."

Why do the guys have to do the chasing and catching? Do you ever chase after a guy? If so, what happens? There are plenty of guys that like a little attention.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 3:56pm

Every time I have done the chasing, it ends badly. I have learned that if a man is not interested in chasing me, then he's probably not interested.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 6:50pm

>>Why do the guys have to do the chasing and catching? Do you ever chase after a guy? If so, what happens? There are plenty of guys that like a little attention.<<

I had another thought in relation to this post...

These guys who like a little attention - is it just the attention they love, and not the end result (meaning a relationship)?

I ask because this question seems to come up all the time on the boards. Why don't women chase men? I have my reasons, but I'd like to know if they are valid. As the guy on the board, I'm interested in what you think. I'd also like to know what the other women think - and if they have experience with chasing the guy where it had a positive result.

I certainly flirt with men, and give men attention, but I draw the line at "chasing." I just never think it will end with the desired result.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 10:29pm

I agree.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 11:07pm

I've thought about your question for a while. Are the men that want to be chased just looking for the attention of the chase and not really the relationship that follows??? To be honest, at first I thought it was sort of a silly question. Why wouldn't men want to be chased and have that lead to a relationship??? It seemed obvious. My initial reaction was just that, a reaction.

Now that I have given it a little more thought, I think you may be on to something. I hate to admit it, but I wonder if men are just as entrenched in their dating roles as the women are in thiers. As much as I think I would like a woman to come after me, I don't know exactly how I would handle it. The truth is, it may have happened in the past, and I didn't even notice it. I can be a little dense, so I may have misread the signals she was sending.

Of course, our gender roles have developed over thousands of years. Maybe there is something to them. Who am I to think I can rewrite this stuff???

Always remember, most guys don't like a failed chase and the accompanying rejection any more than the ladies. So be gentle when you let us down.

Oh, and please don't run too fast.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 9:09am

Personally, I think that the erosion of traditional gender roles has been harmful as well as helpful. I don't want to be barefoot and pregnant, but I also want a man to hold open my doors and order my food and, in return, I will cook the food and clean the house. OK - part of the reason for this is that I am a little anal retentive and don't trust anyone else to clean as well as I can. :)

Seriously, though, I think that political correctness in many areas (race as well as gender relations, for example) has completely overshot its goal. I think that respecting others includes accepting and celebrating the DIFFERENCES. It's what makes the world an interesting place. Frankly, this whole notion that we should all treat one another the same is a distortion of the idea that we should all treat one another with the same amount of respect.

I am proud of my Irish and German heritage and like to share that with others while learning about their backgrounds. Similarly, I enjoy being a woman and enjoy sharing my point of view with men who I think are in similar places as myself. Celebrating the diversity, not trying to eliminate it.

I think that maintaining a certain amount of delineation in gender roles makes us feel more appreciated and more sexy and more like we have something specific to bring to the relationship. You will hear a lot of really liberated women say that they will not chase a man - this, I think, occurs because we all feel to some degree that we need to enjoy the differences in the sexes.

Ok - I completely babbled. Sorry!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 9:35am
I agree with you auntjules. I enjoy the differences between men and women. I rarely understand women, but I still love having them in my life. I enjoy doing being a man and the role I have in a relationship. Opening car doors, lifting heavy objects, and opening stuck jars are all fine, but I will never understand the ordering food thing. Why do some women like when a man decides what she will eat? I could never do that; it seems so presumptious. Could you please explain why women think this is a good thing?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 10:49am
I can't speak for Jules but for me, the whole ordering thing is nice because it means he's payed attention enought to know what I like/want. I don't really like this all the time but once in a while, it's nice.
I dated a guy that would always, always order my drink for me. It was one of the most remarkable things because it wasn't always the same drink but it was always what I was in the mood for.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 11:19am
Men who order food for me do not decide what I eat - they ask me and then order for me. I also like for them to request that my water be filled and all of the other niggling details that I don't want to be bothered with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 12:12pm

I totally agree, Jules. I consider myself fairly modern, but I do think that there are differences between the sexes that should be celebrated. I think the lines have been blurred so much in recent years that none of us are sure what we should do in relation to dating and relationships.

It does make me feel sexy and desired when a guy makes an effort to pursue me and ask me out. I feel like some of that is lost if I am the one who does the asking. I do believe the woman should make it known that she's interested - but the guy should do the asking.

I will say, I don't like having a man order for me because I have very specific food tastes -- but I love the sound of Lesley's ex who ordered drinks for her. That sounds sort of nice. I guess it is a gesture that shows you have put some thought into the other person's needs, and it is a nice touch that makes a woman feel cared for.

My ex taped "Rear Window" for me once. He remembered me mentioning months before that I liked that movie and it was sort of a big deal that he went to the effort to tape it when it came on TV and then watch it with me. Same idea as ordering the drinks.

I'm sure there are similar things women can do for men that show him that he's cared for. I used to buy my ex his favorite treats and slip them into his pantry. He loved that.

AJ, enjoying life with C.