Dating men who make less than you

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Dating men who make less than you
8
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 3:14pm
Just wondering everyone's take or thoughts about this topic. I am currently in a new relationship with a guy that makes a lot less than I do. He never graduated from college. I thought in the recent past that this would be something that would really bother me but I've found that after I've gotten to know this man and all the other things that he has to offer that this isn't a big deal to me and I am very happy with the kind of person he is and how he treats me (he is responsible) and we seem to be a great match. I know that money is an important factor in relationships and I know there might be a few difficulties down the road regarding this and I might not be able to live in a fancy house or have all these materialistic things, but I don't think it will make or break us since we've had such a good connection otherwise and we have discussed this issue some and we communicate well. Just wondering your take and thoughts with dating men who make less and don't have as high of an education as you do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 4:44pm

I am finding out that its not really a problem for me if the guy makes less thatn I do. I used to think that would be something that I would care about, but recently I went out with a guy that made quite a bit less than me. But, I really liked him and it didn't matter. The education thing might be different because I find that I need to date a guy that can offer me a little intellectual stimulation. With that being said, he doesn't have to have a college education but he has to be able to carry on a good conversation.

YG

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 6:32pm

I can't speak from experience on this one because I myself did not finish college. I have a girlfriend who is an environmental engineer and she once broke up with a guy not because he didn't finish college, but because he was a social worker and could not "give her the lifestyle that she had imagined for herself". Ironically, I was dating his best friend when she broke things off with him. They thought it was quite humorous. I was a little turned off by the way she went about it, but I didn't think any less of her. I just tried to imagine myself being in her position.

I think it's personal preference. Being the "bread winner" would you resent him if finances became tight? Would he develop a complex and stray outside the marriage in order to feel "needed"? What if he made a large purchase without consulting you? What if children were introduced? How would you feel if you couldn't afford to stay at home with them?

I know you're just dating, but these are questions I would definitely consider if things were to become serious(and I were in your shoes).

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 6:34pm

I have always said I would only date a guy who has a college degree (he wouldn't necessarily have to make more than me, though). However, I agree with the previous poster who said it's because I want someone who stimulates me intellectually - but a college degree is not necessarily required for that.

I think what you said, that you like the way he treats you, is FAR more important. After having dated for awhile now, I have realized this is a lot less common than men who have college degrees -- men who will treat you truly well.

If you get along with him, and generally are on the same page about how to manage money - regardless of how much money you each make - then I think you'll be fine.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 6:59pm

i think it depends on what you want out of life in the end. If he makes less than you and you're ok with that and he treats you wonderfully, then great. But try to find out if he maybe plans on changing his situation. If he never went to college, does he have plans on maybe at least trying, or finishing his degree? does he want more out of life? do you want more out of life? i know women who are married to men who make less than they do and neither man seems to be motivated to try to make more money. one hardly works and isn't even trying to find something full time. the other is self-employed but the money they have is really because of his wife working her butt off every day.
ask yourself-- do you want to always feel like the one keeping the ship afloat? do you want to travel and see the world? treat yourself to nice things once in a while? go back to school yourself and change careers at some point?
also, if you marry a guy who makes less and have kids, chances are you're going to want to make sure your kids have everything they need to succeed in this word.

some men may be perfectly content with making less and letting the woman pull most of the weight. they may not care about travelling, making sure the kids get everything they need, buying a better home...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 7:19pm
Good questions to ask. I have asked myself these questions already and I never expected to be a stay at home mom so I'm prepared for not being one. It would have been a bonus but not a necessity to be a stay at home mom. Besides I'm used to working so much.
I'm not sure if there will be resentments with me maybe having to chip in more for certain things. I'm assuming there won't be if we talk about it first and decide what's fair to both. I know we both tend to be on the frugal side so that's a good thing. I think we have similar viewpoints and ways of spending money so far at least. He's very giving and understanding and one to work very hard to make the other person happy so that's a good sign. Sometimes he doesn't worry about himself though enough because he's so busy making me happy and I get a little concerned with that, but I'm not one to take advantage of anyone and I give just as much as I receive for the most part.
As far as the college education goes for the other posters, I have dated men who have had a college education who were not as smart as a couple of men that I have dated who didn't have an education so I don't think it correlates to how intelligent someone is. The man I'm with is smart enough for me and we are able to have good conversations. However, I kind of do wish he would go back to college and finish up just because it's good for the self esteem and sense of accomplishment and does (in general) give you more opportunity to succeed in a career. I know though from past experience that you can't force someone to do something that they dont' want to do, but you can make a suggestion. I'm ok either way though. It would be nice if he went back but if it doesn't happen and it's not his priority, then it's not.
It definately IS a lot harder to find a man who is kind, caring and treats you with love and respect, who is available and emotionally supportive than a man with a college degree. I definately agree with this one. Sometimes when a man is too ambitious he doesn't have enough time or energy to put his all into a relationship, so those types don't appeal to me either. But ideally it would be nice to have someone that has pretty decent ambition and is just as successful if not slightly more than me, who also can balance things and be available for a relationship. But, no one is perfect and we all have to try to find what makes each one of us as individuals happy and what is most important to us. I feel happy right now with him and have been for the last couple of months so I'm just going to gauge it with how I'm feeling and what my intuition is telling me. I think this is the only way to go sometimes
Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 7:38pm
Well, good luck to ya. He sounds like a pretty good catch.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 6:53pm

I've mostly dated men who make about the same as me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 11:06pm
Very well said shy. I agree. I thought that I was going to end up with someone who had all the things that I had on my "list" but I'm with someone different than I expected but I'm happy. I've heard from a lot of others that the same thing happened to them. They ended up with someone different than they had pictured in their minds but were very happy anyway with that person.