Dating Pressures - BLAH!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Dating Pressures - BLAH!
11
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 8:55pm

After reading the article on dating in your 20's that someone posted, i feel too that i've always been not in a rush to be in a relationship (i'm in my mid-20's) - until the past 4-5 months since my ex-bf dumped me. newsweek magazine even published an article recently about women are more actively dating later in life - in their 30's. as a matter of fact, i started dating when i was 20yo. i dated a guy for about 8-10 months, went on a date or two with 2 guys after that, and just this past january been dumped by ex-bf of 2 months due to his strong religious beliefs. So in approximately a 5-6 year span, you can say that in a 6-year period, i've dated or been with a guy for approx 17% of my time (i'm such a nerd for calculating that!). is that even normal - to only date that much?!

i ask because since i've been in the workforce, the employees from 2 companies i've worked for ALWAYS questioned why am i not dating? these are usually coming from people who are in their late 40's to early 50's. i tell people that i'm just concentrating on my career and education. then people get all analytical saying when you finish your masters in the next month or so - are you gonna start looking? or say, your career and education isn't everything in life. this is true, but for now i feel i have other things i want to do. also, they say there are always guys flocking to my office space so why not go out with them? they tell me "you're attractive, educated, funny, smart...so what's wrong with you?!"

as a matter of fact, recently, my own co-worker who is the same age as me, bluntly said to me "i don't think i ever see you getting married - you're too independent." i was a bit taken back by this. i mean she was lucky enough to start dating a guy since high school and be together for 10+ years before marrying him...but not everyone goes through the same route.

also, my younger bro (mid-20s too), asked me, "aren't you worried about finding someone to marry?" and even HIS gf questioned me...my friends are either married or dating someone long-term - i'm literally the ONLY one that is single...so i'm always the 3rd wheel with either my brothers and their SOs or my friends' SOs. when i DO go out with my friends, they want to bring their SO because they are attached at the hips. so having people from all aspects of life say this type of stuff to me or indirectly make me feel this way is beginning to make me wonder if i ever will find someone.

before i never cared, but since my last ex-bf this past january, who wanted to be married since yesterday and strong christian beliefs, i've felt really unfocused. i think since the relationship ended, he makes me feel like marriage life will make your life better than a single's life. before it was - "i will date someone that falls into my life path" and now it's like i should be searching for someone by changing my routine???...but knowing me, i know that if i were meant to meet someone, then it will happen in time.

so now, i've even considered changing jobs because the environment i work in is primarily people who are like twice my age...so finding someone is difficult (i don't mind dating people in the workplace) and the industry i'm in isn't really who i am. i've even in the past started taking addtl classes at local universities for fun to "meet" people - it doesn't work out, especially now that i'm getting older and the classmates are in their late teens/early 20s.

at least i know there's others out there who are not in a rush or is just waiting for the right one, but for now it seems like the dateless continue posting on to boards like this to vent.

AGGGHHHH!!! BLAHHHH!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 10:05pm

Hi marypoppins,

One question that may be relevant is where you live. The reason I'm asking is because this affects a person's lifestyle. It's more unusual to be single in smaller/suburban areas, but it's VERY common in big cities. I would imagine if you lived in Manhattan, Miami, or LA, there would be plenty of single friends, and most people would consider it weird if somebody in their 20s WAS getting or married or engaged.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 10:17pm
Hi! I live in southern california - a lot people down here! So yes, near LA - I wish I could meet people that were not so fixated on dating/marriage, but maybe I know them because our interests and values are similar, right? hmmm....i dunno! =)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 12:53am

Too scary... My mum told me last weekend that I should be dating... because a family friend said that it's about time... I'll be turning 25 this year.

But the thing is, I am at the tail end of a bad month where I am trying to convince myself that I still have time, not to feel the pressure, try to enjoy myself while I can and that there is someone out there for me.

Like you marypoppins, my workmates are all way older than me and nearly all of them are married. It's ok but I feel lonely. That's the only problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 9:55am

I honestly don't know what to make of you're post. I can't figure out if you're annoyed that unlike you, others are really trying to find someone and come on boards like these to vent or if you were once ambivalent about dating and now it concerns you.

All I can say is if you realy dont feel the need to pursue a relationship right now and work, education and personal interests are enough to fulfill your life, then good for you. I do wish I could be more like that, but work to me is work, I'm in the career field I sought out, and while personal interests are fun, I really thought I'd be sharing my life with someone by this stage in my life.

If dating is not a priority for you, then don't worry about anyone who is pressuring you. I think it makes you ahead of the game and is probably saving you a lot of addedd aggravation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 11:16am

I have a couple of years on you (more like five) and I can tell you this one thing. When people get out of school, they take a couple of years for their career and then get married. For me, my friends started to get married in their mid twenties. So from 25 to 29, I started to freak out because I thought I should be married too. This will be the focus of your friends because it is something they are going through. Don't ever let them trick you into thinking there is something wrong with you because you are not going through that. And there is no number or percentage of dating that a person should go through. If you were 25 and never had a boyfriend or a date, then yes, there could be something to worry about. But you are not in that position.

Just because you are independant does not mean you will not get married one day, either. There will be a man who will appreciate your independance and love you for that. Don't worry about what others say, because if you want to get married one day, then you will. As for the girl who told you that she thinks you will never get married because you are too independant.... Did she just pop out of the 1950's?? My god, how insenstive and stupid can somebody get??

I can tell you this, once everyone gets out of the "marrying mode" and starts just living their lives, you will be much much happier because people will not be comparing you to themselves. I am the most happy I have been in years and it is because I stopped thinking about getting married and that there was something wrong with me because I wasn't. I now look at myself and cherish the independent women I am and know there will be a man who will love me for that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 1:25pm
I live in So Cal as well and I'm 30 and single so trust me, you have nothing to worry about if you are only in your mid 20s. You are still so young and have plenty of time to find someone. Enjoy being young and single while you can and forget about what others are doing or saying to you. I know it's hard but would you rather settle for the wrong one just to be in a relationship and do what "society tells you to do" or would you rather be your own person, listen to what you want and what makes you happy and follow that. It seems to me like you still enjoy your freedom and experience life and the world around you when you are not experiencing the pressure of others. The best thing to do is to tune those people out and figure out what YOU want and what makes YOU happy. Enjoy your singlehood because I'm sure that when you do meet that one you won't have a whole lot of time and freedom. I believe that people change so much in their 20s that no one should really get married until they are in their late 20s because that's when you start to mature and not change as much as you grown older. I do worry being 30 and single of course but I figure there's really nothing I can do about that and I would have been miserable if I would have stayed in any of my previous relationships and I would rather be here right now where I'm at than have to deal with living with the wrong guy for the rest of my life in unhappiness.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2006
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 8:13pm

That's really uplifting to hear biochic!

I remember reading a post elsewhere that men in their early to late 20s are focusing on their careers rather than trying to find the one to settle down with. So if men are able to do that guilt-free, why can't women? We're living in the 21st century, it's not our life's purpose anymore to find a man who can support us.

We shouldn't be embarrassed for being single. I've been told numerous times by older friends that it's best to stay single (I'm in my early 20s) - much in the same way people who work tell me that I'll miss going to university a lot (which I do!). So I figure that they probably know what they're talking about since all of my friends got serious too soon and ended up wasting 9 years of their life or worse, divorced.

It's new for me, to try and focus on me and my career right now. I don't meant to sound conceited, but I've always had a guy in my life, whether it be a crush or a boyfriend. But I'm taking it a day at a time. It is boring at times and it even sucks when all your girlfriends have their own boyfriends, but I'm sure I'll look back one day and be grateful that I was able to mature on my own.

Avatar for filiasan
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 2:20am
I am the same way. I'm not ready at all to even be THINKING of starting a relationship with anyone. But I can't help but feel overwhelmed. Where I live, marriage and parenthood is overly important. I don't even really want to date. Not yet. I've had enough of that and now I want a rest--a verrrrry long rest. It's been four months, and I still don't even feel like meeting new men. I just wish that people would lay off. I used to freak out whenever people would mention marriage and children (CFBC with tocophobia here). But now I'm the same about dating. I wish I could just use telepathy to tell them how I feel about being bound to someone, before they get a chance to add on more stress to my already unsatisfying life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 2:37am
I think avoiding dating is healthy for some. Reading these boards ,I feel, I'm breaking out with a rash, as I am already scratching. I feel bad that I am not procreating
but I am scared to have children because I will have to send them to school and
worry about them everyday. It so much easier attending events (especially where music is involved) then have to make a relationship work. Should I lose my employment or my investments go south (again) I only have to worry about myself as my moderately rich sister can cover my mother or brother.
I always have been friends with females, and they show no hesitation about being themselves with me.
The bottom line is that I don't want to ever marry,not even thirty years from now
yet I love women.
Jerry Lindell
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 8:22pm

to add to my original post, i too, actually "realize" or "think about" the fact that i am bored just being myself...does that make sense?! as independent as my co-worker thinks i am, i feel that way (bored) after i come home from work during the weekdays and the weekends i feel like i'm just doing my homework for my school. there's times were friends/family are off hanging out with a significant other as i sit at home surfing the net. getting "rejected", in a sense, from a friend/family member due to them hanging with the SO makes me feel like whooaa i'm by myself again. also, i keep on thinking about how my ex-bf, of a short-lived relationship that ended in january, ALWAYS kept himself busy - i thought i was pretty good about keeping myself busy, but i was wrong!...however, do people who keep themselves extraordinarily busy are actually happy?!

i've noticed that i've been busy with work and school and he has really kept himself busy more with his personal life - his church/religious friends. he works in the same company i work at and he doesn't have school anymore (done with his bachelor's degree like 4 years ago) - so these two things never really meant much to him, but does keep him occupied. i guess where i'm going with this is that his way extraverted personality keeps him going. he even has a side gig that he does for fun and for extra $$$ and does church activities all the time...but what i always ponder is...do people who keep themselves extraordinarily busy are actually happy?!

i've noticed, in the past, with friends and with this ex-bf, that i can "sense" or tell they are not truly happy with themselves...like they keep themselves busy because they are trying to hide away from their own personal troubles/insecurities by keeping themselves busy...these people tend to exhute happiness and sometimes it seems like they are fake or trying to "play it off" by saying with a smile "everything is fine", when really they look unhappy. anyway, not to say that everyone that is extraordinarily busy is unhappy, but i think some people tend to be busy to hide away from their insecurities...

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