Dating a Smoker

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Dating a Smoker
12
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 5:21pm

At age 17, I had to watch my grandfather die a horrible death from lung cancer/emphysema, and in addition, I also have asthma, so being around smokers is a BIG NO-NO in my book. I even refused to marry my ex-husband until he quit smoking.

Well, I met a great guy 2 weeks ago, and we're getting along great...but he smokes like a freight train. As in, about a cigarette every hour when he's with me. IT KILLS ME. I start to get all congested and feeling nasty, and that's with him going outside and smoking, but just bringing it back in on his clothes and body.

He came to visit me today right after he got off work, and he'd only smoked a few all day long, and I could barely smell it, and it was so nice to hug/kiss him without gagging.

I've told him how I feel about smoking, but he's such a heavy smoker that it's really not much of an option for him to quit for someone he just met...but I don't know if i can continue to see him with this cloud hanging over our heads!

I'm starting to debate whether this should be a dealbreaker, because he's great otherwise...

Your thoughts?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
In reply to: cj311
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 5:53pm

For me, someone who smokes that much, it would probably be a dealbreaker. I absolutely cannot stand cigarettes, they make everything stink, and I have never smoked and never will. The person I was just with would have a cigarette on a very rare occasion (and only when he had been drinking all evening) and I wouldn't kiss him until he brushed his teeth.

I guess it's a matter of personal preference, but I would just tell him why you are so against smoking, but I just don't understand why, when everyone knows how bad smoking is for you, people still do it.

ETA: You wouldn't marry your ex-husband until he quit, so what makes this guy any different? Stick to your guns!




Edited 4/25/2007 5:53 pm ET by rebainmi
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
In reply to: cj311
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 6:15pm

That's a tough one. I, too, hate cigarettes and the smoke that goes with them. I grew up in a house where my mother was smoking constantly. My grandmother used to smoke, too, and when we'd go visit her, I can remember sitting between them at the table and getting the smoke from either side of me. Then, for years, I hung out a lot with my brother and his then-wife, and they smoked a lot.

Well, when I moved out on my own and lived in a smoke-free environment, and now that Massachusetts bars and restaurants are all non-smoking (state law), when I'm around smoke, it REALLY bothers me. It causes me to get sinus infections sometimes. :(

However, if I meet a guy and really like him and find out he smokes, I can't bring myself to not date him. My last boyfriend did not smoke when I started dating him - he chewed tobacco, which was really nasty, too, but at least it didn't cause smoke. He was a former smoker, though, and eventually, he started smoking again: cigarettes AND cigars. (YUCK!)

And my current boyfriend smokes, too, but luckily, the apartment he lives in is a non-smoking complex, so he has to go outside to smoke, and he doesn't smoke all that often. I can tell when he's been smoking all day at work, though - it's all over his hands. Luckily for me, though, he doesn't get that "ash tray breath" my ex did (not yet, anyway). I smell it more on his hands than in his face.

I always said I'd never date a smoker, and I can TOTALLY understand why ANYONE else would feel the same way. But my problem is, if I meet someone and really like him, I can't make myself not date him because of the smoke. I knew my boyfriend smoked before I even spoke to him for the first time: I saw him go outside the bar to have a cigarette a few times. But he's SO NICE and SO SWEET - I just sort of made myself overlook the smoking. And he does want to quit - he just has a hard time every time he tries to. But the fact that he wants to quit tells me maybe someday he will (unlike someone like my brother, who has the "I'll never quit, even if I get lung cancer" mentality). And, again, he doesn't smoke nearly as much as other people I know, so I can live with it.



Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cj311
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 6:21pm

It's a total dealbreaker for me, because I'm an exsmoker who wishes she could still smoke and would if it weren't so bad for you. So I just can't be around people who are smoking--it's too tempting to join in. In fact, just reading/thinking about it is making me crave a cigarette and it's been a LONG time since I've had one.

Sheri

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: cj311
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 7:05pm

It's a total dealbreaker for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
In reply to: cj311
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 6:30am
Smoking is a dealbreaker for me I'm not ashamed to say it. I don't like being around it I get all stuffed up and congested and it gives me a headache so I prefer not to be around it. Obviously I have friends and family members that smoke so it's an occurence that happens in my presence but I choose not to date people that smoke. That I can control. I'm surprised you even dated him at all.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
In reply to: cj311
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 8:58am
I have absolutely NO idea why I feel this way...but I think some guys look sexy smoking...I should think it looks icky.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2006
In reply to: cj311
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 10:08am

As a guy, one of the biggest criteria I had was that she could not be a smoker. I tried the "trying to quit" a few times and their idea of "trying to quit" was maybe in a yr or so.

With that said, I said to self -- Self, we will not consider a smoker of any type again... so me, myself and I have not gotten involved with a non-smoker. My SO used to smoke yrs ago and now she has issues with her throat if she is around smoke too much - it hurts her to swallow. She never smoked heavy -- even her sisters said that too -- but she did start when she was 16.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
In reply to: cj311
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 12:34pm
That's a tough one. I would have a hard time not dating that person but honestly I think I would worry consistently about their health and it's also so gross for me to be kissing a smoker or even hugging a smoker because I have a strong sense for the smell of smoke. So for me it would be a deal-breaker, but it would be hard to let go too. I guess ask yourself if you would always be worrying about it and if it will continue to bother you to the point of you not being able to enjoy the relationship and him as a person. Can you accept him for the way he is now without any expectations of him quiting because he may never quit. Ask yourself if you are honestly ok with that and if you would continue to be ok with that as you get closer to him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
In reply to: cj311
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 4:35pm
I definately wouldn't do it. I barely even talk to smokers. I dont' think its sexy or cool or hot or anything. I certainly don't think the hacking and coughing and unable to breath is sexy. I think its a disgusting habit, it smells, and it makes a person extremely unhealthy. Also I find it be extremely inconvenient. When your on a date and you have to sit in the smoking section of the restaurant and have to not only deal with the boyfriends smoke but all the other people's smoke too? Or if you are in a smoke-free place and he has to keep excusing himself from your conversations just so he can go stand outside in the cold or the rain and puff away? You have to ride in the winter and the cold with the window down so he can hang his ashes out the window? You have to worry about when he falls asleep if he's going to drop the open flame and set the place on fire?
When I was in college the hospital next to campus was smoke-free and the nurses had to come to campus to smoke. There they'd be 20 feet away from the hospital parking lot huddled in the snow puffing away. Its a ridiculous addiction. I understand how hard it is to quit I'm not unsympathetic to that but I would not do it.
Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
In reply to: cj311
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 12:27am
I can't really comment because I will have a cigarette socially, when I'm having a drink. However, I am just curious, have you given him any non-verbal hints such as: coughing, shoo-ing away the smoke, asking to be seated in the non-smoking section? If you have, what does he say? Maybe you could try that and see how he reacts. Perhaps he has been looking for a good excuse to quit. Perhaps he would be open to the idea of quiting.

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