Dating troubles

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Dating troubles
11
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 9:38am
Hi,

I'm new to this but wanted to vent and get some feed back if possible. I am 31 and single and watching all of my friends get married and have kids. While I am happy for them I am wondering when it is going to happen for me. I love kids and want to have a husband and feel I am ready. But I don't even get asked out!! And before you say it - I'm not looking too hard. I am very happy in my career and with my friends. Granted I don't go out that much (I do have a small circle of friends and a demanding job) but even so. I am approachable and like to laugh. There is in fact a man at work whom I am interested in but I never see him any more (big place). It's a big source of frustration because I would really like to get to know this guy better. What can I do to up my dating potential and get more dates? I've only asked one guy out and was turned down so I've been a little reticent to ask anyone else out (let alone this new guy I have my eye on!). Do you think that even though I feel I am not looking to hard that I may be giving out a vibe of "I'm looking". Any input would be helpful. Thanks and have a good day.

Dtwgrl

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
In reply to: dtwgrl
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 9:58am
I've always felt that finding love is like finding work: you've gotta work at it, and it always shows up when and where you least expect it. AND sometimes you shouldn't take a job just b/c it's been offered.

I too don't like the idea of sitting around and waiting for love. I think love has to come to you, but you've got to be "in position" for it. Have you thought of personal ads or online dating? I answered ads for 10 yrs and eventually met my now-XH (he had a lot of well-hidden baggage, but I blame him for that, not the ads).

Another thing is, if you go that route, don't let 1, 2 or 3 duds get you down. Regardless of how you meet them, a bad date is not cause for suicide; that's just--dating. You gotta kiss a lotta frogs, etc. I've always felt that even the bad dates are worthwhile b/c they give you "war stories" you can share w/others, and w/yourself when you need a good laugh.

Also, what I like about dating that way is you know you're meeting men, so you've got a more discerning eye and will be less desperate for companionship. You can meet a man and like him on his attributes, and not just b/c "he's there." That way, you can meet King Kong and he'll look like what he is, a big, hairy, uncouth ape--and YOU won't think, "oh, all that hair is so cute."

Hope that helps you out.

Ash



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: dtwgrl
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 11:10am
I am almost 37 and still believe men enjoy being the pursuer in the early stages of a relationship - unless you like exceedingly shy/insecure/more feminine men (ok so call me sexist, LOL). I have never gotten anywhere by pursuing a man and have not done it other than very rarely and I know of no happy marriages where that happened.

I would try internet dating, go to a new gym, take swing dancing lessons, join a community theater group, etc

A man who is interested and available will ask you out - if you have to pursue him, then he is probably not that into you and who needs that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
In reply to: dtwgrl
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 2:41pm
Hi dtwgrl,

I know how you feel about wanting to settle down and not being able to find 'the one'. I have a six year old son from my high school sweetheart (relationship ended when I was pregnant with him) and now I'm either alone or find guys that are creeps. It's very discouraging when I attend family functions and all my brothers and sisters have their spouses with them. I have my son and he's great, but sometimes I long for adult companionship. Here's something that my sister sent to me, it made me feel a little bit better and I wanted to share it with you:


Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.

The men don't want to reach for the good ones because they're afraid of

falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the

ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think

something is wrong with them, when in reality, THEY'RE amazing. They just

have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to

climb all the way to the top of the tree.


Hope it makes you feel better too. Take care, and good luck!

Becky

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: dtwgrl
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 4:36pm
That was really nice. It's exactly how I feel and it did make me feel better. I've copied it down and plan to look at it when I feel down about getting older and not finding "my man". Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
In reply to: dtwgrl
Fri, 07-25-2003 - 2:42pm
Hi dtwgrl,

You're so welcome. I'm glad it made you feel better. I've been through some pretty bad realationships in my life, and actually just ended one. We were only together for two months, but knew each other from high school and he's good friends with my brother-in-law. Anyhow, my birthday was on 7/12 and we went to see Bon Jovi - had a great time! But when we got back into town and went to the bar, his friends were there and he ditched me (that was the second weekend in a row). It was weird because we got along great and spent almost all our spare time together, he loved my son and vice versa, and he said such great things to me like I was more than a best friend to him and he knew we were going to be together for a long time. Well, I got pissed because of what happened (especially because it was my b-day) and went off on him. Obviously I didn't mean that much to him because he just walked away and ended the whole thing - I'm moving on and going to a therapist because of my numerous failed relationships and a little slump of depression I'm experiencing - but I called him last night and totally opened up my heart and soul and told him that it hurt me badly and that I still care about him deeply. He told me that he thinks about me every day and is gradually getting over me because he knows it will never work. I told him that every couple has issues, and it's crappy that he can just walk away without even working it out (we never fought before that day). I know that I shouldn't be with him, but I can't stay away. What's wrong with me? He's totally the wrong guy for me, but I feel so much for him. That's my most recent dilemma, what do you think? Thanks for listening and letting me vent - I appreciate being able to get that out!

Take care,

B.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: dtwgrl
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 3:32pm
Hi Becky,

Happy Belated Birthday. Sorry it wasn't a much better birthday. I think you are doing the right thing by walking away from this guy. He may be a fantastic guy, loved your son, etc. but if after two months and one instance of a fight he can just walk away then his heart wasn't in it (and he isn't such a great guy). Every woman, every person deserves to be treated much better than that. Maybe you both could be just friends. It seems so trite but sometimes that's a lot better. You certainly don't want to be in a relationship where the person blows you off in a public arena.

I think you are also doing the right thing by going to a therapist. Depression can be such a debilitating thing. And so can not liking yourself. Working on those issues, I think, are key. I do think that people can pick up on vibes, feelings, etc. And if you don't like yourself people can see that and will react to that. It's taken me a long time to realize this and I have finally gotten to the point where I do in fact like myself. But while it has made my life better it still is not the magic bullet. I still struggle with lots of issues but it's easier now.

I hope you do something fun for yourself - maybe a manicure or buying a new book or letting yourself eat a whole pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream! But anything to make your day (and belatedly) your birthday a good one. Let me know how this goes.

dtwgrl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
In reply to: dtwgrl
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 10:24am
Hi dtwgrl,

Hope you had a nice weekend - mine was pretty strange. Thanks for all of you advice on the last post. It's good to know that there are other girls out there that feel the same way I do and can relate to my issues, makes me feel less crazy :-) Anyhow, I had a date on Friday night with a really sweet guy. We had alot to talk about, and he opened the doors for me and pulled out my chair. Classic. So he dropped me off and it was still kind of early, and my sister had my son overnight, so I went into town to have a couple of drinks. I somehow ended up calling my ex (his friends were there and he kept calling them to come pick him up, but they wouldn't answer, so I called him back) and I ended up at his house. So we had a long talk, and we went swimming, and I spent the night. We got up and had breakfast in the morning, talked a little more, and I went home and he went to work. He called me in the afternoon to see what I was doing - we were having a cookout at my brother-in-law's uncle's house, so he came over and spent time with me there. I told him straight up and we really need to go slow and we'll see where this goes. I could tell how much he missed me because of the way he hugged/kissed me and how he looked at me. And I am just going to be calm about it and see where it goes - I just don't want to get hurt again (who does?), so I'm just gonna go with it and lay low. I'll keep you posted :-) I go to my therapist tomorrow, so I'll see what he has to say about all my drama. Saturday night we had a cookout at my brother-in-law's uncle's house. His girlfriend went psycho, started throwing glasses and beer at him for no reason - really crazy. Thanks again for letting me vent about my issues. Take care and let me know how you're doing.

B.

Avatar for skinny42
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2003
In reply to: dtwgrl
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 1:12pm
Hey dtwgrl,

I have a good idea for you to try. I became involved in an organization called Single Volunteers. I don't know if there's a chapter in your area, but it's worth checking out. I found it to be a fantastic way to meet friendly, community-minded single people--men and women alike. It also was a low-pressure situation. You're all there for a purpose--to volunteer your time--not to find a mate, exactly. If you should meet a great guy while you're at it, then hooray!

Best wishes,

Nini

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: dtwgrl
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 3:21pm
Hi Nini,

I've never heard of Single Volunteers - sounds good though. Thanks for suggesting it. I'm going to check it out and I like that the focus is on helping others rather than meeting people!

Take care and thanks again for the suggestion,

D.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: dtwgrl
Fri, 08-01-2003 - 10:47am
Hi Becky,

Sorry it's taken me a really long time to get back to you - I've been a bit busy.

Anyway, it sounds like you've had a lot of drama in your life lately. I try to keep drama to a minimum. I just don't like all the scenes it causes and all of the problems and all of the regret afterwards. It's just that much easier to be more even-keeled.

How are things going with your ex? Getting better? Settled into a new relationship?

On my end. I actually had a really great month of July. Now I am a little anxious about the month of August - I feel it may not be so good. I'm going to be workiing on a new project with some follks that I have a lukewarm relationship with. I hope it goes ok.

Take care and let me know how you are.

D.

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