Dating in your 30's, disadvantages.
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| Wed, 06-20-2007 - 1:48pm |
As this is a part of life's experience I skipped over completely . . .I am making an interesting observation or two. It might be easier for me being single at 46 than for you 30 something's. How bizarre is that?
In the 30's . . .like I was . . so many are married or otherwise attached.
The men who are left over, stuck in twenties? Stuck in neutral? Just not grown up yet. Successful men can still play the field, still "time" to settle down later.
You are at a "middle" age, target for 20 something's, 30 something's and 40 something's . . .and beyond . . (-: Exasperating nights out?
Men or women are not "quite" at that point that the dance is over and frank is in . . . your not talking to each other.
Mothers have "young" kids if devoiced, and men as well . . . noticed a few comments about how "undesirable" that was in a man, right there with old.
I am seeing it is not such an easy age to be single. I used to think I missed something important . . now I see it would have been no party or day at the beach.
Just to add context . .. those people married in their 30's are now the late 40's, and are now devoiced, have "grown" kids, have been in long relationships and the brutal devoice . .and talk with the frankness born of the life. Another twenty year mistake unthinkable. Not so many guessing games, for we understand it is in fact no game. (-: Woman are strong and at a peak in life, men are mostly grown up by now. I am starting to see my lot in life is not awful. (-:
Just thought among you this might be interesting to expand on. Always looks different looking from the outside in.

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Yes, it surprises me as well based on conversations with my platonic guy friends--the single ones say they want the same things you do. I do meet quite a few guys who SAY they want a relationship but then don't put actions with words (and it's not just me that this happens to--my friends have similar experiences).
I've been divorced for almost 15 years now and dating for close to 10 (had a 4 year relationship after my marriage ended) and recently I pretty much gave up on finding anything more than a "sex and companionship" type relationship but sadly, even finding men who are consistent enough for THAT is difficult.
Good for you on the no-smoking thing--I've been smoke free for a while but quitting is HARD.
Sheri
This is a really interesting string of posts!!
I've often wondered if dating becomes easier or not. I'm in my mid 20's and everyone says "ohh you're 20's is soooo easy in terms of dating". Of course I have to disagree. Now I'm not one of those disgruntled singles, I'm actually enjoying my 'single run' and getting the most out of it.
What I have noticed is that a lot of guys in their mid to late 20's are still incredibly immature and disrespectful. The nice ones that you do meet either aren't sure of themselves or unsure of their path in life - which is understandable. Then there are those who seem in a weird rush to get married and I get the feeling they don't understand what marriage entails. I know I'm making generalities and that some guy who is sweet, well-grounded and well-rounded is wondering why he can't meet a nice, stable girl who is fun.
Another thing I've noticed is that there seems to be a greater number of men in their 20's that come from broken homes or homes that had unhappy marriages. The toll is obvious to an 'outsider' but these guys haven't taken the steps to deal with this and heal so that they may have positive relationships.
I know that dating will never be easy...but eventually you'll click with someone and it will all be worth it....that's my hope at least!
I won’t argue it can be a “bit” discouraging. (-: I have run into a few that are drinking to much . . and trust me, coming from me that means a LOT . . (-: Tossed that in with the smokes as a matter of fact. (-: A few that just are afraid. A few . . well this is Miami . . minimum standards on the income side can ride pretty high in the water. (-: Lot of million dolor homes in this town. Lots of women earn that kind of money. Some that just devoiced it. One liar I was reminded about yesterday . . 20 year old picture thing . . One that was just great, and one I was not ready for. (-: Still talk to her . . we see each other, but opportunity lost . . looks to heading towards a friendship. (-: One cyco that has me hitting the brakes and asking why I did that. Resting now . . lol
Sound about right? ((-:
So you have done this quitting thing . . hard is an understatement. Hide the guns and keys . . lock me in . . lol Whatever, it is a done deal, I want it for me.
The nice ones that you do meet either aren't sure of themselves or unsure of their path in life - which is understandable. Then there are those who seem in a weird rush to get married and I get the feeling they don't understand what marriage entails.
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You might test the waters with one of the “unsure” ones . . twenties . . not so bad. The “sure” ones get that way with practice . . .(-:
I came out of the service at 22, 23? Had a hell of a work ethic . . but knew squat about dating normal civilian type girls. I was also a total adrenalin junky, crazy. One girl, my “first true love” . . (-: . . took the time, gave me a chance. She is also one of only two to ever cheat on me to my knowledge . . . but she changed my life. I connected and understood from that time forward.
Under 25 life is just changing as fast as it will at any time in your life. 25 to 30 . . still changing, but slowing down and you think you are old now, wise . . .(-: Ready for marriage . . I did it at 26. Youre dead on, they are cluless as to the level of work and comitment it takes . .
I am not so sure it is a bad thing for a guy to still be a little unsure of him self at 20 anything. As far as knowing where they are going . .I had this conversation with a very smart woman . . late last year. The way she put it . .not the job . . money . . .what “road” do you see yourself on, what direction are you going? . . I thought that was a very insightful question to be asked. I enjoyed the challenge of trying to answer the question and it lead to an hour or more of conversation between us. Try that on a few of the guys you’re talking to. . see if the dreams come out when specifics are not on the table. Might be enlightening.
I think it's very difficult to date in my 30's. I am 34. Men my age are dating women in their 20's (26-28) etc. and I'm at 34 hoping to date men my age to 38 and they are dating women younger then me. Men much older want to date me but they tend to have more than 2 kids and don't want anymore and I want children. It's soooo difficult out there.
Smile,
Deirdre
Men much older want to date me but they tend to have more than 2 kids and don't want anymore and I want children.
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This is exactly the kind of thing that prompted me to start this subject . . you are in fact in a unique place in life. It might seem stupid of me to see this now . . it is just an experience I never had, and as such don't fully appreciate it. Nothing teaches in life like experience does. (-: I think every age group has it's own issues . . . I am simply discovering what yours are . . (-: And this is a very good example. I get this feeling the 30's are a time of being "caught in the middle" to some extent.
That's a great saying that's exactly how I feel. "caught in the middle"
That the majority of the men want to date women younger than me, I mean a friend of mine just married a girl 10 years younger than him he used to date my friend whose 35. WTF??? He's 35 himself. Yet he married someone who is 24.
But finding someone myself who is single with no kids or single with kids that wants more is like a freaking needle in a haystack.
Smile,
Deirdre
northwestwanderer . . .this is for you . . . and . .I think others might relate to this . .shy?
Kind of a random thought . .and the 15 years you have been dating is what made me think of this. I have not been single again for all that long, but in that time one woman did become the 2nd great love of my life time. I have dated, well in hind sight quite a lot I suppose. What made her different?
A culmination of conversations on this board, ending with thinking about 15 years "looking" . . and it became simple. One of those little light bulbs. How many conversations are out there now regarding things we "look" for. Even part of my break up centered on my not "interjecting" enough impute to what she wore, how she kept her hair, her weight . . .etc. A subject of much thought for me. Well it hit me.
At first I DID want to open my mouth. I wore shirt and tie for work, suit often . . so dinner after work, she would "toss" together and I felt "overdressed". Then I started doing something . I stopped looking at me. I stopped thinking about what she or I was wearing period. Or what I thought or wanted. I just stopped . . took a moment to see her. She had just finished a long day, did the kid thing . . and was making time to be with me. And when I stopped and just looked at her . . she was beautiful. I started doing this almost by habit after a while, and the more I stopped and just SAW her . . the more I loved what I saw. I started this . . 4 months in that I am sure of . .so for at least a year, the more I did this, the more I knew I did not want to change a thing, I loved what I saw. I felt extraordinarily lucky.
That is what made her the one . .why love came easy. I never had to fake it one single time. THAT is what I am looking for again. I am trying so hard not to "picture" anybody, to keep a blank slate, and just look at the people I date.. I can see it taking 15 years to happen like that again. (-: I hope not . . .it however was an amazing experience.
>>And when I stopped and just looked at her . . she was beautiful. I started doing this almost by habit after a while, and the more I stopped and just SAW her . . the more I loved what I saw. I started this . . 4 months in that I am sure of . .so for at least a year, the more I did this, the more I knew I did not want to change a thing, I loved what I saw. I felt extraordinarily lucky. <<
Wow. How nice it is to hear that from a man. I wish more men would take the time to do this -- appreciate what they have in the moment. (and more women, for that matter - a lot of people in general just don't appreciate what they have).
I know for a fact (because he told me) that, if my long-term ex boyfriend had done this with me, we would still be together. Instead, he couldn't settle into the moment, and couldn't really see or appreciate what we had together. We were really an excellent match, but I guess he just felt like he needed to keep looking for that "something" and he never fully trusted his own emotions. When he realized it, it was too late.
To me, real love is like what you described. Sure, the person isn't perfect, but you love them just the way they are.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
LOL . . .sometimes I think I am a very warped person sitting around and reflecting on such things. I just cant help myself, I hated school, but just love exploring life and people. I have my reasons, but life is a fleeting thing. It is far more fascinating than math. (-:
I kind of get the young woman older man thing . . from both sides to some extent. It has a lot to do with certain personality types. A whole different string attached to that one. (-: And not always a stereotype situation like everything else in life. I can see this is a constant frustration across this board. I probably am rare as a man who does not "shop" young. (-: Frankly I don't look much at age in general. I shop experience, and by nature that typically has some age attached. I raised three kids, still a boat load of ulcers and money attached. (-: So it would be a HUGE thing for me to consider starting over . . . and god help you with kids . . but what a great experience as well. How could you ever consider giving it up? I also promise you will be glad when they start hitting adult ages yourself. (-: This is a place men confuse even me . . .what does a 35 year old man really talk to a 25 year old girl about every day? 45 to 35 . .ok, kids, devoice, work . . .experience is starting to match up, and a few at 25 have a decent amount . . get what I mean . . .shared experience matters to me. I need a little of that.
When I read all these postings . . I have this habit of trying to visualize the person writing it . .not what they look like, (-: . .but all the things left unsaid. It is kind of a "mood" or "feeling" I picked up on in general. That "caught in the middle" thing. I kind of "see" it lying around "out there" . .. (-:
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