Decision to be Permanently Single?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Decision to be Permanently Single?
26
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 1:53pm

Hi, I was just wondering if anyone else is going through what I am.

Im 29 and a few years ago I met the love of my life; I knew in my gut right away that he was "it" for me; he said the same. We were together for 2 years and not once did those feelings go away. Fast forward to about 8 months ago; he dumped me somewhat out of the blue, broke my heart, and we have not really spoken since(I attempted a few nice civil messages which he ignored so I just stopped). I have done everything a girl could do to get over him, but the feelings never go away or lessen.

Recently, a close girlfriend of mine who had broken up with the love of her life FIVE YEARS AGO confessed to me that she too, despite trying so hard to move on, has never gotten over her ex.

Hearing her tell me this really struck a nerve, because it makes me realize that I might never get over my ex either. So, Im toying with the idea of just giving up on the whole relationships/love stuff and deciding to be single for good. Not saying I'm going to be celibate or dateless, but just more acknowledging that "the one" has come and gone, and so might as well face that reality.

Has anyone else decided to do this/gone through this? Any advice?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 2:06pm

Without trying to be flip, everyone I know who has made a conscious decision to be "single forever" is now happily married. :) Each of those people had decided they met and lost "the one" or had given up on meeting someone great in the first place. Then, not too long afterward, really did meet someone great.

I think there might be something to "giving up" psychologically that helps you get over the past in a more complete way so that you are more open to a new possibility when it comes along.

After having watched my friends/family "give up," I've tried to do the same thing -- unsuccessfully. As much as I might say "oh, I'll just be single forever," I know in my heart that I will never truly give up on finding someone special. (and I, too, have lost someone that I was completely sure at one time was "the one.")

Just my 2 cents. :)

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 2:11pm

well, i've gone thru this in the sense i was widowed young(ish) and lost a good husband.

life goes on.

its not healthy to wallow in grief for too long.

i made a concious decision that i wanted to love again...i enjoyed being a couple.

i met a nice man some 15 months later...we slowly fell in love...hes a wonderful man on every level and i adore him....i trust him....i'm blessed to have him in my life.

IF i was to lose him, i'd move on just the same...

open your heart...8 months post breakup seems a good point to begin to encourage yourself to heal...sometimes we need to actively push thru it.

you are not alone...but i wanted to answer your question >>"has anyone else gone thru this?">> and say sure...most of us have...and life goes on....

this too shall pass.

honey

    

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 2:12pm

I haven't decided to give up, but I do know what you mean by not truly getting over someone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 2:33pm

IMO, we can most certainly have more then just one love of our lives....

I feel when a love has come and gone, whether it be to our own doing theirs, it's to teach us something about life we would have never learned other wise. Maybe this break-up is supposed to teach you a lesson for your next relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Thu, 06-21-2007 - 11:19am

> I knew in my gut right away that he was "it" for me; he said the same.

Right away ??? In your gut ???

You meet some guy whom you find physically attractive (I am guessing) who also happens to stoke your ego by being nice to you, calling you nice things and looking at you a certain way ('flash in his eyes' ?)..and that's it ? He is IT for you ? (well to be fair who has ever said "love" results from rational thought processes..)

A good majority of people who think who are in love are not in love at all. They are into mutual ego building but they don't realize it, and its only a matter of time before at least one tires of it and parts ways. Do I have a pessimistic/cynical view of love ? Not at all. I am a realist. I see things as they ARE and not how we imagine them to be.

I wrote a post about this recently -

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsinglelovi&msg=7879.59

>We were together for 2 years and not once did those feelings go away. Fast forward to >about 8 months ago; he dumped me somewhat out of the blue, broke my heart, and we have >not really spoken since(I attempted a few nice civil messages which he ignored so I just >stopped). I have done everything a girl could do to get over him, but the feelings never go away or lessen.




Edited 6/21/2007 11:53 am ET by fruitedplain
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Thu, 06-21-2007 - 12:08pm

I only read the original post and tallgirl's reply and not the others (yet), but I just want to share this little ditty.

When I was 22 until I was 26, I had a boyfriend I thought at that time was "the one." It ended because he did not want to marry me (even though we'd lived together for over 3 years) or have kids and we just weren't compatible as far as finances and housekeeping go (which wasn't a big deal to me, but it was to him).

For about 2 1/2 years, I dated, even had another relationship, and then when I hit a dry spell towards the end of last year, I started to think maybe he really was "the one." I'd heard from him again for the first time since he'd moved away over two years before, and I kept thinking maybe we were supposed to be together.

But then, this past December, I met my boyfriend I'm with now. While we've only been dating a short time, I feel like he's the closest thing to "everything I've ever wanted" that I ever thought was possible. He's a lot of things I've always wanted in a man that I thought I wouldn't find, and we're on the same wavelength on a LOT of things.

When I met him, I'd decided I was going to try to see if I could handle a casual FWB thing with this guy I'd met online a week before that, because I was *this close* to giving up on trying to find someone. I was trying to change my mindset into more of a "go-with-the-flow" and kind of "give up." Then I met C., my current beau.

Now, me and C. aren't married or anything, like tallgirl's friends, but when tallgirl said what she did about people giving up then they find something great, it made me think of how my love life had been going before I met C. And, now that I've met C., for the first time since me and my ex, D., broke up, I don't think for a minute that D. was the one who got away. I had no idea how much better what was waiting for me up ahead could be.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 06-21-2007 - 12:39pm

>>I had no idea how much better what was waiting for me up ahead could be.<<

:) ...and that is what keeps me going. I trust that God, the universe, whatever has something better planned for me than I could ever imagine.

I also *finally* buy into the idea of "just let it be." It will happen when it's the right time.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Thu, 06-21-2007 - 12:54pm

I'm on the fence. I consciously exited the dating world about three years ago and I haven't missed it enough to re-enter yet. I ended things with my soul mate(?) well over seven years ago. He then moved several states away.

I know he's married with a couple of kids but we haven't remained in contact. It's tough because with him, there was an instant connection. I haven't experienced that since. Also, it's difficult not to keep asking yourself why he deserves the marriage & kids and not the other way around. He bounced back SO very quickly. He was engaged inside of a year from our break-up.

After I found out he was engaged, I dove back into the dating scene. I was online and it seemed like two or three years in a row was just one endless string of dates. I stopped dating because I realized I needed to do some soul searching. I realized that I couldn't be happy with someone if I wasn't truly happy with myself. That is the mission I am on now.

Have you been dating? I'm guessing you haven't. I think this period is different for everyone. I think some benefit greatly from dating but some, I believe, benefit from some genuine "me" time. I don't mean taking long candle lit baths and watching what you want on television. I mean finding your passions. Finding out what gives you purpose and meaning. I don't know you, however. You ARE 29, perhaps you have this already figured out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Thu, 06-21-2007 - 2:55pm

Brilliant. One of the most enlightening posts I have read here . You are not only on the path to real happiness and enlightenment, but also on that to finding the person you were meant to be with.

>>I realized that I couldn't be happy with someone if I wasn't truly happy with myself" <<

That is exactly right. No person or thing can bring you happiness. If you think they can or they are, you are deluding yourself. What people mistake for 'love' is actually the act of relying on another person to acknowledge their presence and making them feel important by showering them with affection. It's not love, not even close. It's an addiction.

I did not understand this when I was younger. But now that I am in my thirties, older and wiser, and as I reflect back on the past, I realize the women I thought I was in "love" with or who I thought "loved" me turned out did not do so at all. They hung around till the time I made them feel special. When they stopped feeling special around me, they walked. Sorry, but if you love me then you do so for who I am, not because of what I do to you.If it's the latter then its YOU,you really love. This is not to mean I won't do things to you if we are in love, but our relationship is not *defined* by it. Real love, is selfless- like the love of a mother for her child. What we see around ourselves - the seemingly happy couples walking in hand in hand, is not love. What it is is a temporary non binding contract to make each other 'feel special'. The flowers, the cards, the handholding, the sex, the romance -- just as they are idealized in the movies. Once the oxytocin levels start to drop, the "love" quickly disappears. The couple breaks up, hooks up with new people and begin the cycle all over again. One group of people who are incapable of bonding and with which this happens all too often is the serial dater, the serial relationship hopper, and the serial bed hopper. Repeated flings/ romances/ relationships/ sexual-encounters desensitize them to the whole process, so they have to continually feed off new love interests to maintain that high. You will find them not just in Hollywood, they are all over including these boards.

The good thing about all this is that now I know exactly what type I want, and I will state that very bluntly in my ad when it goes out. It's either that or nobody. Choose carefully and avoid the heartaches later.




Edited 6/21/2007 4:44 pm ET by fruitedplain
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2006
Thu, 06-21-2007 - 4:29pm

OMG! I actually agree with this post. You made a whole lot of sense!

*APPLAUDS*

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