Decision to be Permanently Single?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Decision to be Permanently Single?
26
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 1:53pm

Hi, I was just wondering if anyone else is going through what I am.

Im 29 and a few years ago I met the love of my life; I knew in my gut right away that he was "it" for me; he said the same. We were together for 2 years and not once did those feelings go away. Fast forward to about 8 months ago; he dumped me somewhat out of the blue, broke my heart, and we have not really spoken since(I attempted a few nice civil messages which he ignored so I just stopped). I have done everything a girl could do to get over him, but the feelings never go away or lessen.

Recently, a close girlfriend of mine who had broken up with the love of her life FIVE YEARS AGO confessed to me that she too, despite trying so hard to move on, has never gotten over her ex.

Hearing her tell me this really struck a nerve, because it makes me realize that I might never get over my ex either. So, Im toying with the idea of just giving up on the whole relationships/love stuff and deciding to be single for good. Not saying I'm going to be celibate or dateless, but just more acknowledging that "the one" has come and gone, and so might as well face that reality.

Has anyone else decided to do this/gone through this? Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Thu, 06-21-2007 - 10:39pm

I agree that the codependent "addiction" you describe is, in a lot of ways, mistaken for love. I have been in a relationship like that before...sure, it feels great at first, and then much of the time afterwards. But as time goes on, there can be huge lows as you lose who you are. I would disagree that it was not "myself" I truly loved...but I was reliant on the validation of another person for self-worth. Your sense of self slips away too much for any real "self-love" to occur.

My other question (sort of a devil's advocate one) is...you have said a lot on what love ISN'T, but what IS it? I've spent the last 4+ years in a relationship where affection and physical touching dropped off FAST after the initial dating. The fact that I am a sexual being was barely acknowledged. He was a great listener, supportive, conversationalist, kind, humorous, we saw eye to eye on many things...in other words, all the characteristics of a good FRIEND, my best friend in fact. However, without those things that you describe as being "done TO the other person," the relationship felt very empty in lots of ways and I was often left feeling miserable and alienated.

How does this fit into your view of addiction vs. real love?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Sat, 06-23-2007 - 12:05am

> I would disagree that it was not "myself" I truly loved...but I was reliant on the >validation of another person for self-worth. Your sense of self slips away too much for any >real "self-love" to occur.

By self love I did not literally mean as in "love" with oneself, the way we commonly understand love. You relied on HIM to validate your self worth. The focus was on YOU. It was about YOUR desire to feel a certain way and he just acted as a facilitator.

------------------------

>My other question (sort of a devil's advocate one) is...you have said a lot on what love ISN'T, but what IS it? ......
>However, without those things that you describe as being "done TO the other person," the relationship felt very empty in lots of ways and I was often left feeling miserable and alienated.
>How does this fit into your view of addiction vs. real love?

I have been thinking about it which is why I didn't respond earlier, and I have got some more thinking to do. But what I have found is whichever way you look at it, it invariably comes down to the object of your love making you feel a certain way. It doesn't have to be a person, it could be anything -- a piece of music, your car, blue skies, a painting, a thought, or even something as abstract as watching people getting tortured (Saddam's sons). I know this goes against what I said earlier because if you think about the example that I cited yesterday, even a mother's love for her newborn results from her baby giving the mother a sense of pride, wonderment, joy..etc. So is it really about the baby or is it about the mother feeling good about having her baby? Is there any such thing as truly selfless love? I will have to think about that.




Edited 6/23/2007 11:47 am ET by fruitedplain
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Sat, 06-23-2007 - 10:26am

Thanks for your reply! I too have been thinking on this lots lately, as the breakup I mentioned is still only a few weeks old and still rather raw. I appreciate the dialogue.

Perhaps real love is the right combination of taking and enjoying those things that make you feel good, but also doing the same for the other. This includes the selfless acts and support we give to those we truly love. The whole relationship can't be entirely selfless on your end, all the time...but happens in moments. Or, perhaps for a longer period of time if you must support someone through a rough patch, but you are confident and have faith that he or she would do the same if the roles were reversed. The two relationships I've had were way out of balance on either end...one was definitely more of an "ego-stroking," taking sort of contract...in the other, I put myself forth too much. I have yet to find the proper balance between the two with somebody.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 06-23-2007 - 11:51am

I am curious what type do you state what you want bluntly in your ad?

For me, my beginning criteria is for my partner to be self aware. All my friends are that way for I find that is the only way I can be close to them. Self awareness is the foundation for intimacy and it usually comes with a lot of personal inner work. I figure the rest can be discovered or discussed if there is an initial connection such as being positive, happy, caring, etc.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Sun, 06-24-2007 - 3:21pm

>I am curious what type do you state what you want bluntly in your ad?

Still working on it. I have some random ideas but haven't put them together yet. The type I want would be mature, responsible, intelligent, articulate, witty, well read, have more than a passing interest in world affairs, comfortable in her own skin with a strong sense of self worth that does not need validation from others -- plus she should be from a stable family background with strong ties to both her parents both of whom she should dearly love,have solid family values, no history of slutiness (it matters), Church attending would be a plus but not essential, physically fit and be of normally cheerful and good humor. Just your typical wifely woman. Not a lot to ask for really.




Edited 6/24/2007 6:32 pm ET by fruitedplain
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 06-24-2007 - 9:48pm

What I find whenever I see on people's want-to-haves or must-haves are this list of what they want or don't want. I take those lists with a grain of salt because most of the population does not have the self awareness to know if they really are those characteristics or not plus most of those are subject to a wide interpretation anyway. Such things as must be honest, have a sense of humor, able to communicate, blah, blah, blah are qualities that most everyone think they have.

I believe it really takes a creative ad writer to frame those must-haves questions to screen in/out the person who actually have those characteristics.

Good luck.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Sun, 06-24-2007 - 11:22pm

Cfk - I just wanted to respond to your post since when you said that 7 years has gone by and never have you met someone since that you felt that kind of connection with; well, thats something I've heard now not only from you, but from TWO of my girlfriends who like me are in their late 20s. Both had boyfriends who left them years ago, but they have never met anyone since who they have had the same connection with/felt the same way about. Luckily for them their exs are still single; mine is dating so I pretend in my head he is already married with kids so it doesnt come as a shock when the news comes someday.....how did you deal with that? Did he call and tell you? You must be a real trouper!

In response to your question, I tried dating about a month ago (many months post-breakup) but I did not meet one single person I was even remotely interested in, and the process is so exhausting its not worth it. Im almost 30 years old and ready to throw in the towel. I never thought I'd end up alone, but maybe Im just one of those women who is meant to be alone for reasons I just don't know. I'm trying to get used to that idea; in a way its freeing because I dont have to think about finding the one anymore, but its also sad because I always wanted a baby with someone I loved. I guess I just have to work towards accepting long-term singlehood more. Thanks for your thoughts and insights (you and everyone else)

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 12:28am

I heard the news from his friend, indirectly, whom he was here visiting when we initially met. His friend befriended a good friend of mine and they remained in contact over the years. That's how I found out that he was engaged. I learned that he was married with children from myspace.

So much time has gone by that I really was not surprised and honestly, was not very hurt. I'm happy for him. However, I still ask myself why him and not me. I wouldn't say that he's a bad person, he isn't. However, he wasn't prince charming either -- far from it. Maybe he's changed? Who knows.

Leave your heart open to possibilities while simultaneously working on yourself. I think men are attracted to happy, secure, solid women. In turn, I think we, as women, seek out the same. I think if you focus on finding happiness on your own there's a very good chance that you will attract your soul mate.

I believe that like attracts like. If you are bitter and scorned, I truly believe that's what you'll attract. However, if you have achieved happiness on your on accord, how can you not attract a wonderful individual?

Good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 1:20am

>However, I still ask myself why him and not me .......

That's the second time you have asked that question and it's the wrong question to ask. For the most part, people MAKE their own fates. He chose to cut ties with his past for a fresh start and he ACTED on it. You didn't. It's as simple as that. ( I know you dated just to forget him, but that's not good enough.)

The United States of America did not become the greatest civilization in the history of civilization because fate had decided it should happen that way. It happened, because people got off their butts and *made* it so.

People have a LOT more control over their lives than they realize. Instead, they choose to go with whatever comes their way for the least amount of effort and accept it as their fate. If you really wanted it, and I mean really really wanted it, you could get up tomorrow morning, step out of bed and just tell yourself , 'enough with it ! Goddammit, I know there are men out there I could connect with, be happy with and have a family with.. and by golly I am going to go find one! It may not be easy, but I will still go find him.' If that was your attitude sooner or later you would have gotten what you wanted.

On the other hand, if you are content remaining in the comfort of your comfort zone accepting the status quo, that's OK too. But just be aware, you are where you are because YOU choose for it to be that way. Not because of some hand of fate.




Edited 6/25/2007 2:11 am ET by fruitedplain
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 5:40am


I have two things to say to you in response to your post..

1 - If this person you are referring to had been 'the one' he would not have dumped you out of the blue - you would still be together. It took me agest to really and truly grasp the fact that just because you adore someone to death and feel that they were made for you and they are 'it' for you it does NOT mean that that's the case - simply because they DO NOT feel the same for you. Again, your 'one' will feel for you exactly what you feel for him, and will want to be with you, indefinitely.

2 - When you meet the person who WILL be the one for you, i.e someone who will love you just as you love him and with whom you will establish a happy relationship, all thoughts of 'what could have been with such and such' will go out of the window and this 'love of life' you are referring to now will become a distant and not unpleasant memory. You WILL get over this experience when you meet the man who will truly be the one for you. It is hard to believe now, but it will happen. You are 29 - that is very young. You are obsessing about the man of the past because there is no strong romantic focus (who returns your feelings fully) in the present. This will change, and all will be forgotten. Trust me.