Did he just use me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Did he just use me?
9
Thu, 06-26-2003 - 3:07pm
About two weeks ago I met this guy at a party. I gave him my number and from the beginning I just wanted it to be a one night stand kind of thing. He called me a couple of days later and we went out. Every night for the whole week we hung out and we didn't do anything at all. This last Saturday we spent the night together finally. The problem is, since we hung out so much I really started to like him. Now he has called me only twice and I think it's only because a mutual friend of our told him he should. I saw him at a party last night and he would barely even talk to me. I am very confused about what he's doing can anyone help???
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-26-2003 - 3:50pm
Unless you were forced to spend the night with him or he deliberately mislead you about his intentions, there's no "using" going on. You said you wanted it to be a one night stand sort of thing, so what are you complaining about? It's fine that you changed your mind, but that doesn't mean he has to also, or that he's even *aware* that you did.

If you want to see if he's up for someting more, ASK him!

Sheri

Avatar for schnappsers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-26-2003 - 4:02pm
It sounds like you both had the same goal, but it took a little longer than you had planned. You shouldn't be confused about why he doesn't want to talk to you. Neither of you went into things wanting a relationship, so he's making it clear to you that that's still where he stands. Take it for what it was....a one night stand with a week's lead time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-26-2003 - 4:53pm
It's a learning experience - you thought you could handle straight sex, no strings attached, you couldn't, you chose to see him every night risking getting emotionally attached, and you did. Given that the whole relationship lasted less than 2 weeks by next week you'll feel fine and perhaps you'll take a different approach next time. What I would do is a home AIDS test, just to be safe.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Thu, 06-26-2003 - 6:24pm
Seems to me like he wanted the same thing you did, just not the first night. Just play hard to get, I LOVE DOING THAT! Guys always go for what the know they can't have!

Natasha

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-26-2003 - 7:08pm
Okay, so very likely when you wanted it to be a "wham bam, thank you ma'am" experience -you put out that vibe.

As in, the first time you two met you put out the impression that you were going to put out more than just an impression. In today's society, if someone puts out the impression that they want to "put out" - I wait for them to make the first move.

If I'm wanting a one-nighter and they're putting out that vibe as well - I'm unique - and I'll tell them that is what I'm after (yes, I'm female) and they can confer that is what they're after, as well. We proceed to get a hotel room, or go to a safe location - and get it on for about 10-12 hours and that is the end of that. Rarely do I exchange phone numbers or addresses.....and in the distant past, I remember not knowing for sure their name, or giving them mine.

So, I suspect you put out the impression you were going to "put out" - and he hung around waiting for you to rip off his clothes and get it on. A clear signal to him that this was nothing but about sex and he had no obligation to you in the future as a result of this indulgence.

He hung around for a few nights because he thought this was a sure thing, but maybe it would take a little longer than expected, you never ripped off his clothes, or seductively removed yours and got on your back...and so he's off to find someone that is willing to do that.

The "problem" with putting out the vibes for one-nighters and then playing this "seduce me to get it" game....is that quite often you do find that you're dealing with someone that upon second/third/fourth meetings you might have the potential to like as an individual. HOwever, your pursuit of, and your attitude of "this is about sex and physical gratification" has taken them out of considering you as anything but "sex and physical gratification".

If he's ignoring you now...move on. If you want an honest conversation with him to assure that something close to thise scenario is correct....initiate a talk in private when it's convenient for you both. Realize that you're going to be asking a very direct question, or at least a direct implication with a direct statement...and that is "I put out the impression I wanted to get laid and you were a candidate. I found that I might have more in common with you than I thought and now want to pursue dating. Are you interested in that, and are you not calling me and talking with me because you feel like I led you on and didn't put out?"

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Thu, 06-26-2003 - 9:52pm
There is nothing to be confused about, he is just not interested.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2003
Thu, 06-26-2003 - 10:56pm
I'm going through the same thing right now. We can be strong TOGETHER!!! My post may still be here. It's titled "Do you know of anyone who...?"

I'm in agony. I'm 27 years old. My sister got married last year and my friend just got married June 8th. I'm feeling lonely and I assure you, I started to like this guy who was just using me for sex because of this reason exactly: I'm lonely. It may not be the same situation for you, but you have my best wishes.

sambo-chick

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Thu, 06-26-2003 - 11:53pm
Ok maybe I should explain this whole situation better so it doesn't sound like he is just some random guy I want to date. He is the older brother of one of my friends. We see each other almost everyday because we hang out with all the same people. Basically I am just confused because I want to be friends with him still and now it is weird to be around him. I know it's not that I'm not ready for "no strings attached sex", because I have been there, this is just a whole different situation. When I talked to him about it he acted like everything was fine and we were all cool, but last night he would barely look at me. He also gets mad when I flirt with other guys. I don't know, I guess this wasn't really a question, just a huge need to vent.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-27-2003 - 11:03am
Big Mistake! Never choose a guy you see "everyday" for a no strings attached sexual romp. What were you thinking? Sounds to me like you might have wanted something more before and this was your foot in the door. You said originally that the hanging out made you realize you could see a r/ship. Yet, if you saw him so much before - how could you not already know that?

I think you should just talk to this guy. If he doesn't want you, and acts jealous when you flirt with other guys - he's a selfish jerk. If you are merely friends, he shouldn't be trying to restrict your behaviour. If you are too chicken to take doubleblade's great advice - ask him out on a date. Until you resolve this you are going to continue to try to analyze his behaviour (he may not be acting jealous, you may be projecting) and be confused. In which case, you are creating tension and missing out on meeting someone for real...

Go.