Discouraged about relationships...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2003
Discouraged about relationships...
5
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 10:49am

Lately, I've been really discouraged about realtionships. I'm a 30 year female who has not had many serious relationships in her life...i've always concentrated on finding "the one", since I've never had a problem being alone and would rather find that special someone rather than just be in relationship for the sake of being in relationships...I date a lot, but find relatively few people I am *really* compatible with and have true chemistry with.

Yet, it seems today, not many people feel the same way...it seems like people can say they are in love with someone, break up, and in a relatively short time period find someone else. It seems like people care more about being in a relationship, than finding that right person. Since I believe true love is rare, I have always really tried to take the time to make sure someone likes "me for me" rather than is just wanting a relationship before getting serious...yet the only three men I have ever really cared about, who have professed to care about me, have bailed as soon as things weren't easy and have ended up married to the VERY next girl they have dated. Either they are all EXTREMELY lucky...(I mean given the rarity of true love what are the odds all three of them fell in love with the very next person they dated if they really loved me as they claimed?) or didn't really love one of us. I guess I'm getting very discouraged and cynical...it seems like all the men I know can claim to really care for me, etc., find me special, and they seem to really mean it by both words and actions, but then simply move on when its ove. Is it so wrong to want someone who finds me so special that they want to be with only me and don't just "move on" when the going gets tough? I've always dreamed of finding someone who says "i don't want to be with anyone but you because I think you're amazing and a perfect fit for me"...but I'm beginning to think in this day and age that type of love doesn't exist...especially since I finally thought I had found it, and after a year and a half, my bf just ended it when I said I wasn't sure I was ready to be engaged....and this is a man who was telling me I was the only woman he could really talk to and someone he considered his best friend as well.

I guess it just seems like no one truly falls in love anymore, but just moves on to the next person for the sake of being in a relationship and not being alone...I wish I had more faith, but I don't...how can I keep an upbeat attitude and belief when all around me it seems true, loving relationships, where each person is in it because they LOVe the other person for who they are really don't exist anymore? Where it seems like people don't mean what they say and can claim you're special and just move on? Does anyone hold out for true love anymore? I mean given how rare true, compatible love is, how likely is it that everyone seems to find it in the same age range (ie most people get married these days in their late twenties). It seems like people never stay single very long...either I am the only one who truly holds out for compatible matches, or I have a lot fewer matches than most...but I'm starting to doubt people really ever hold out for true love...sorry, I know this is a bit ramblign, I'm just frustrated and would like to hear other people's perspectives....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 11:16am

While I get what you're saying and yes, part of me is also still holding out for true love, the other part of me wants to have some fun until that true love comes. If that includes going out on dates and hanging with the "wrong guys" just for the fun of it, oh well.

See the way I look at it is that every relationship or situation I encounter with a guy can still provide a fun or interesting experience even if it doesn't lead to something long-term or lasting. Technically, all of my exes were not "the one", but I still had a great time with them and I'd do it again if I had to go back in time. I'd rather enjoy these brief encounters and appreciate them as new expereinces, than to be alone for long bouts of time waiting around for Mr. One. Plus, I may be a bit of a pessimist, but I've also considered that as much as I want true love, it may never come. It doesn't happen for everyone, just a lucky few in my opinion. So I'd rather date and enjoy what time I have with whomever, than completely not date and hold out for something that may or may not come.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 1:00am
I do believe that a lot of people settle for less than true love because true love and compatability is so rare. Some people who settle can be semi-happy through life and others can't. I used to think I was the type to be able to settle for something less than true love but the older I get the more I become the type to want to find true love. I may never find it but I hope I do. I am the type that likes to be in relationships and not single for too long but I also believe that if I'm spending my time in r'ships that are all wrong for me then I also am preventing myself from being open and available for the right one when he comes along. Some men can just move on right away even if they claim that they love you after a breakup because this is their way of dealing with disappointment and heartache, they go for the rebound. Other men like my most recent ex-boyfriend took several months to ponder over things after we broke up and only dated one person for a short amount of time but came to realize that I was very special to him and wanted to work things through. Too bad it was bad timing and I had already moved on. I guess I'm still holding out for my really good fit in hopes that I'll find him too one of these days. So you are not alone, there are others like us out there that just won't settle because we know that we wont' be truley happy inside. I think people like us just can't fake happiness for any length of time because it eventually eats at us, so we have to be true to ourselves and hold out for the right one no matter how hard that holding out may be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2006
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 10:54am

Hello

I totally understand where you're coming from, I feel exactly the same I'm in my 30's and split up with someone a few months ago. He said he really loved me and couldn't live without me and wanted to marry me and have my children. anyway we split up and got back six weeks later to be told he had been out on four dates. I was devastated when we split and no way could I have entertained going out with anyone. Well as soon as i found that out I have called it off yet again. I don't understand it when people say its their way of dealing with it - how can you be so fickle ???

x

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 6:08pm

Hello,

I also have to agree with you about not settling. I am completely okay with being single, but I really do want to get married and have kids someday, but like a lot of women on this message board I wondering if I will ever find the one. I also firmly believe in not settling because if I cannot have what I want then I would rather be single. I also understand about still dating people to get yourself out there, but unfortunately for me a lot of the guy's I have dated lately have been guy's who I definitely knew weren't the one for various reasons, but these were also guys who would have been easily hurt if I had continued to see them even though I knew it wasn't long term, so I ended things before they could be hurt. I finally met a guy about 2 years ago who I liked a lot, but I knew we probably didn't have long term potential, but I figured we could have fun for now, and due to a painful divorce he wasn't really looking for a relationship, so it worked for both us. Well, I am still scratching my head to figure out what happened because we are no longer seeing each other, and I have not a clue as to what happened. We were on again off again for months, and finally last summer I had had it with the on again off again. One of the times we were off with one another he dated another girl for a few weeks until he realized that this girl didn't have a brain (his words not mine), and she had them married after dating for two weeks, so he stopped seeing her, and then we got together again. There was always something that he wasn't telling me - hence the head scratching, and when he told me about dating the other woman I was like I am done. I am a good catch, and it shouldn't be such a hard decision for you to figure out whether or not you want to be with me, so I ended it for good. Now I am back in the lovely world of being single again!!

Good luck, and never settle!!

Leigh

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 10:49am

Yeah, I'm 26 and at a point where I can't settle. I'm at a point where I'm ready to come home to someone, and I don't have to worry about him. With my ex, I worried about everything, from female friends constantly calling, to him making plans w/o me in it. I couldn't be disrespected anymore, and hurt by his selfish actions. I got out of the almost 4 year RL with no commitment, and dealing with the same BS, plus he had some growing up to do and had a lot of life in him before he will be ready for that stage.

You go into a RL with hopes and dreams and wishing he will do certain things, but when reality sets in, you see the big picture. I held out hope for so long with this guy, that in the past few months I was preparing myself for what I needed to do. I had to put my foot down, and make myself say the things I needed to say, and put myself in a position where I wasn't going to be miserable anymore and unhappy. Granted I'm loosing my best friend and maybe other people I met along the way, but I need to do this in order to move on.

The hard part over the next few months will be to not have any contact with him. You'll miss a lot of the little things and the good times, but things that need to be asked within yourself is does he make me happy, would/is this RL going anywhere, do we have the same common goals with this RL, does he complete me and make me a better person. For me, there was a short time where I could say yes, but mostly...no.

People that you meet in life serve a purpose, and once that purpose is filled, they move on. The one thing that I've learned from my RL, is to let it go and not be angry anymore and waste my energy and time on something that isn't going anywhere. The one thing that hurts about letting go of him was I wanted something out of him that he just couldn't be right now. Being single sucks because you don't have your best friend/partner there with you. For me, I'm just going to go on and try to forget about my ex as best as I can, find someone that is on "my level", and just be happy.