Discouraged..need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
Discouraged..need advice
7
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 9:44pm

Two things. First of all I am a guy...i know this forum is predominantly female so i want to say that now. Second I am not looking for compliments or for anyone to boost my self esteem. Just looking for some insight from some females.

Long story short I met and got invovled with a girl i used to work with. we had a lot in common, everything from what we like to do when we would stay at home in our apts alone during the week all the way to what we wanted for each other later in life with regards to families, getting MBA's, etc. we really enjoyed each others time. but what killed us is we always would wait for the other person to make the move, so there would be these underlying battles of who was going to call who. i know being the guy it should have been me most of the time but whatever. what caused us to break up twice, the second time being last april, was the fact that we wouldnt work on communicating when something was wrong and when we fought, we both had the attitude of "well fine if you think that then see ya later"

in december she sought me out. she had been dating somebody for 9 months but still wanted to go out and catch up. after doing so we both ended up telling the other person who much we think and miss them. when i asked her to try things again, she said that it was bad timing because her current relationship needs to come to a natural end. i can give her that much. i was the one who broke up with her and she moved on. but what goes through a girls mind when she all of the sudden casually hangs out with an ex bf 3-4 times a week with a bf of 9 months, now 10 months? she told me the relationship is what it is and that they do their own thing, but they dont sleep or see other people. me and her though go jogging, dancing, dinner and have scubs nights...all things she really enjoys and her current bf wont do with her, except for dinner. she is 24 and he is 35. he is making 80k a year and is considered to be physically unattractive by society standards. my ex said he is shaped like a pear above his waist.

i on the other hand am very fit. i do UFC style training and am close to having a 6 pack. i have dated and been with enough women to know i would probably be about a 7.5 on a scale fro 1-10, and yes i know being physically attractive is not everything. i dont make 80k a year and am just starting out in life. but i have so much in common with this girl. what gives? how often does having so much in common with someone take the back seat to financial security and status? i tried to tell her that things would be different, now that we are both out of college but she follows this rule of letting current relationships taking natural ends before starting new ones.

i would really like some insight and appreciate it all. a few more things to consider. when her and i got back together the second time, she told me she realized how perfect i would be for her and that she really thinks i am the best man for her. i conveyed the same emotions to her in december after taking time away and dating around to really make sure she was for me. one more thing...when we went dancing one night i casually asked if her bf would ever take her dancing and she said no. and i asked "well why do you date somebody who wont do anything you like to do?" her reply was "well come on do you really expect to find anyone who has everything you want?" im assuming she was directing that at our relationship. my answer to her though was "yes...i am with her right now"

i know some women might find this romantic, maybe not. i do have a lot to offer though. i am a college grad, physically attractive, want to be a family man, open to anything and everyting, respectful, honest, genuine, down to earth, going for my MBA, willing to start a family and want to work to provide for them and i enjoy making people feel good about themselves. where can i find a girl who will like what i have to offer? i dont want to meet them in dance clubs. where can i find a girl who knows what its like to work hard for something but at the same time will appreciate a little help from her man?

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 10:46pm

Unfortunately, the question you're asking is the same question MANY people have.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 11:55pm
Be happy you've at least hooked up a lot. I'm 20 years old. My first date since last summer recently ditched and hasn't called back since. The last and only time I was ever physically intimate with a girl was when I was drunk and kissed a girl at a party my freshman year. I can barely get a girl to talk to me, much less be my girlfriend, go out with me or even just casually hook up with me, so be proud and be happy you've hooked up a lot. If it's true when you say you've "been with enough women to know i would probably be about a 7.5 on a scale fro 1-10," then I'd give anything to be as half as lucky as you.
Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 11:43am
Are you seeking advice about this ex of yours or are you seeking advice on where to meet new girls who meet your requirements?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 7:02pm
i guess i am looking for advice as to where i can meet women who will appreciate what I have and what i can offer and kind of have the same goals in life i do. I want to find a girl that has had to work for the stuff she has in life. I live in arizona and a lot of girls that go to the bars here are stuck up and snobby and physically fake if you know what i mean. i know dating is the game to play to find somebody like that but i am lost as to where to look. I am sure there are some places that will automatically weed out those high maintenance women that are just looking for men with money.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2007
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 9:29pm

I think that we always hope that certain people will come back into our lives and that we will get a second chance with them for happiness and success with them. When you just keep going back, you are just reliving the same situation over and over, which keeps you both in the same place and not moving forward. And you are not moving forward in life, what is the point?

My suggestion to you is when you go out to bars/clubs with your friends, you should try really hard to just go and enjoy the time and company while you are out. I am a firm believer that the things that change our lives are the unexpected. It is a hard thing to wait out (trust me, i understand your frustration) but it is the truth.

Have faith and never lose hope!

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 2:25pm
I would let your close friends know that you are open to being set up with a nice girl and don't be shy about letting them know your requirements. Aside from that, are you involved in church, do you have any hobbies, interests, involved with charity work, sports? Aside from meeting like individuals at social events etc I think one must be open to making friends at the grocery store, hair salon, in line at the DMV, you know? Be friendly and smile while you're out running errands, strike up conversations ; )
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 7:28pm

If you have broken up twice, there is likely a good reason for that. As much as you might want it to work, sometimes the person is just not a good match for you.

It sounds to me like she's stringing you along because she knows you still have feelings for her. For your own sake, I wouldn't give in. We all deserve better than to be kept waiting in the wings like that and to be second best. There will be someone else out there who will appreciate you for you, and will not play these games with you.

AJ, enjoying life with C.