Ditching a leech?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Ditching a leech?
8
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 5:12pm

I haven't had a true leech situation in awhile, but I feel one coming on...

Here's the deal. I went out with my friend R. a few weeks ago. Her guy friend (A.) had another guy friend (G.) in town, so they met us out. I played wingwoman and talked to G. for most of the night while R. and A. hung out.

Well, apparently, I made quite an impression on him (according to R.). He hasn't dated since his divorce, and I guess I caused some spark he hasn't felt in years. SIGH - I was so just being nice. He lives in another state. He was a nice enough guy - but there was zero interest on my part. Now, he says he's thinking of moving to Denver, and I think he's hoping to start something.

Anyway, he got my e-mail address from my friend and has sent me two multi-page e-mails peppering me with questions and asking to see me when he comes back to visit. I have replied, but didn't answer any of the personal questions and said "when you come to town, it would be fun for the 4 of us to get together again."

I also know that he reports back everything I say and don't say to his friend, A. He got all stressed when his first e-mail landed in my junk box and he didn't hear back right away. He e-mailed me again, then googled me and e-mailed me at work about two hours later to make sure I got the second message. He also has told his friend that I take forever to reply. {{eye roll}}

Today, he asked for my number, and I *really* (really!) don't want to give it to him. The snag - I don't want to offend my friend, so I want to be careful about how I proceed on this one. My friend thinks I should give him a chance. {{again, eye roll}}

So, how do you tactfully ditch a leech?

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 5:23pm

Don't give him your number. Tell him your friend can set up "outings" when and IF the time comes.

The worst thing is he is likely a nice guy, but fresh out of marriage not accustomed to "real life" yet. (-: His might get a stubbed toe and a slightly bruised ego if you cut him off now, he will get hurt if you remotely let him get his feelings involved. Talk to you friend, explain things. (-; That should be a resolvable issue on that side easy enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 6:58pm
Oh, he's not fresh out of a divorce. It's been five years. That's another reason I feel bad -- I guess I'm the first person (supposedly) who has made him want to start dating again.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 7:08pm
Ouch. (-:
Don’t you just hate it when you don’t really want to hurt someone, but must. )-: I’ll leave the method to the girls. I have said it before however, if someone tells me to walk, I am gone. I never want to be . . .in a place unwelcome. When it comes to women . . why? Why would anyone want that? Hopefully you can say it sweet and nice, might even salvage a friend in the long run . . .but . . .got do what needs doin kid. (-: No easy outs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 8:39am

Oh, I hate being in that situation!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2007
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 8:43am
Perhaps you can ask your friend to run interference? Since G has no qualms about talking to A about his attempts to woo you, than you can use the same system. Possibly mention to R or to A that you aren't interest in G in a romantic way, and that you're trying to be a stand up person and not stomp on his feelings, but all his attention makes you uncomfortable. They might be able to steer him gently away from impassioned requests for marriage and such. If not, then the direct approach might be the only way.
Cleary, the man has good taste, but is lacking in social skills. ;)
I find that the guy you're least interested in is always most interested in you. Sigh.
Best, Heather

~Heather~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 9:48am

I think it's REALLY creepy that he googled you to find out your work email address when he didn't hear back from the email he sent to your personal address. That would annoy me so much, I wouldn't even want to see him in a group setting.
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I have to agree, that should set of more than a few alarm bells. Creepy might be an understatement. I tell people to run if BF or GF even checks the cell phone. No trust, to controlling . . .and this guy sees no boundaries . . .he "expects" . . hmmm . .words I consider ugly.

You might even be a little blunt and bring that up . . .and tell all involved that was way over any reasonable line. Done and over, killed any interest period. If the guy was just not thinking . . he might learn a lesson from the experience. Me . . .never in a million years would I have done that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 12:31pm

Tee hee. I was considering telling my friend to date him if she thinks he's so great. I hate that she's trying to get me to consider dating him -- she feels sorry for him. I don't owe the guy anything, and going out with someone out of pity is just sad and wrong. I really want to date people who have real potential, not just to boost someone's ego.

It WAS creepy that he Googled me and e-mailed me at work, and that was a big red flag for me. I am listed in the phone book, so he could find my number if he wanted -- at least he asked for permission instead.

Thanks for the advice Stacey, Elwood and Heather. I really appreciate it.

Heather - sigh - yes, it's always the ones I don't want who pursue the hardest.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 4:20pm

I would be direct, to the point, and be kind but not sugar coat it. He's a man and a grownup so let him take care of his own feelings. I think if you say the usual, "you are nice guy but..." tells me that's BS and phony.

I rather be told than be strung along. I always want direct, compassionate honesty from people especially from women.

You can tell your friend that you are sending it and leave you alone about him.

Mark