Do I have a chance? What should I do?
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|Fri, 10-17-2003 - 12:52am|
I'll try to explain this shortly as possible. It may be difficult though...
A year ago, I met two people on seperate occasions. A guy named let's call him Seph and another named Ashton. I met Seph first at a party I went too, but, didn't get his contact information... Then, the next guy, Ashton, I met around 3 weeks later before another party, outside a pizza shop. We ended up talking and sitting outside the club talking for around 1 1/2 hours before, I couldn't help but think his eyes were familiar. I felt some little connection, but, I didn't think much of it.
Well, 1 month later, I meet up with Seph again... We begin to have a relationship, or what seems to be one, more of seeing each other... It lasted 2 months. He didn't like me, he tried too, but didn't feel the *spark*. I had fallen pretty baddly for him, as well.. I'm picky and find it hard to like people, but, when I do I fall hard. We are now friends, I will always have a place in my heart for him. But, during that time. I found out... Ashton was his brother.
Now, last march... I went to a house party, Seph invited me to it. Since, we are very good friends. I drank and such that night. Then, Ashton showed up. I didn't think much of it. Ashton, intrigued me. When I first met him, he did intrigue me. He just, was an all around very nice guy. Ashton is so highly intelligent, interesting, his voice... you can't help but fall for it. Both brother had that intellect. I see the differences in them now, which, I don't think either knows. Or, perhaps they do.
But anyways, Ashton shows up... And states how I love his brother, a very true statement at the time. I must explain myself, I don't want to seem too pushy and eager. I don't like people knowing how I feel, I'd rather not know, then get rejection. And since, I still felt love for Seph around 2 months after we broken up... I didn't want him to know, I had to hide it. I denied it, but it's the whole, Ashton could see through it. Through my denials, I eventually admitted the truth. Just, he always knows what I mean... Just, I'd rather people not know my emotions/feelings, because once they do, I always never win the hearts of them. Why,I always try to hide how I feel... Even, if I do a bad job at it. When he *told* me I did, even when I denied it. I guess that led to the first attraction. But then, I had to deny it. For I felt it was wrong, in some way... Mostly, due to him being 5 years older then me, and older then Seph... And, being Seph's brother.
It wasn't just that, before I slept that night, I claimed the couch to sleep on. I got up and returned to see him claiming it. I told him I had to have it or else I'd have no where to sleep, he finally said we could share. My head was on one end, his on the other, our legs touching. I used my large coat as a blanket. People we knew were having sex on the floor in front of us, we couldn't sleep, but we pretended too... But then, I felt something, my foot... He massaged my foot, and feet. For 5 hours it basically went on. I still remember the thoughts in my head... "You can't. He is Seph's brother. No. He is doing this to mess with your head." I massaged his foot back at one point. I remember telling some people about this situation, and them, not knowing what it meant. It confused me, and lasted around 5 hours... I massaged his foot at 4 hour mark, I got my courage up, but, my face was burning hot and blushing...
After that, just no one knew of it. And since I rarely see him... I tried to throw it out of my head, tried to turn what happened into him try messing with my head. I made myself dislike Ashton, or, tried too. I thought I did, but... I did not... It was not until recently I realised it was bottled up emotions... I'll get into that now...
During most of this time, Seph moves away, but I hang out with his friends still. I still keep my friendship with Seph as well, and try to keep in contact through e-mail. I start going to a club to go drinking on Thursday. Little did I know, Ashton went too. Little did I know, I'd realise how I felt.
September 4th of this year rolls around. I head to the club... Ashton sees me and pokes fun at me, as usual. When we first met EVER, he was so kind. But, he had now become non-stop making fun of me. Telling me to leave, and no one likes me. He isn't a bad person, though. He just jokes. I know. I know he was joking though, which he reasured me. Just, the type of person he is. Well, we get drunk... And it leads to some how, me in his arms most of the night. Myself with arms latched around him, and him hugging me back. He could of pushed me off, or told me no, but he didn't... Maybe, just because he didn't want to hurt me? No one ever expected that to happen. It led to nothing, he had to go home... That night, I found out he had a girlfriend from my friends... My heart sunk, because, I knew how I felt.
September 11, I go to the Club again... Hoping, just to see him. Knowing, I could only talk to him, if I drank... The courage I lack... At the beginning, as usual, he pokes fun of me and says how much I love his brother. He seems to always bring him up, and all I want him to see NOW, is it that I do not see his brother in him, now. I care, and have fallen so deeply for him...
Ashton and I had this childish, almost flirtacious nature that night. He slapped my butt, and I'd do it back to him... Back and forth, he threw his drink on me, I did it back, he spit his drink on me and I did it back... Just, I longed for him. Doing that, just tempted me more and more... Just, the whole playfulness amused me. I'd tell him I hated him and he'd tell me "No, you don't", then I'd glare evily at him.
I didn't know how to show my emotions, and doing that, I could at least have some contact, and I enjoyed it. It was amusing. And at one point, we sat on the table together. He told me that night something, about his girlfriend, I am one not to repeat things if told something important. I cannot repeat it, but, he is stuck, he doesn't want to hurt his girlfriend... He can't leave her yet. Mostly, I don't think he knows how to either. He isn't a player type guy... I know many people who have known him awhile. Just, he doesn't want to hurt anymore...
He told me to go dance... And then I just looked up at him... We then looked at each other, I knew what was next... We moved in closer, the kiss... My heart raced... By the end of the night, he gave me his phone number... I called it 2 days later, and he said he forgot giving it to me... Which he probably did, but then when I said that, he said he remember giving it to me then.... I didn't bring up us kissing... I didn't bring up anything of the sort. He probably remembered it a bit, due to people telling him, but, it was awkward... Just, I found it odd that we talked for 1 1/2 hours on the phone.
September 18th, another club night I go too... In high hopes to see Ashton... I ended up going home, though... This guy I know, who tends to lie told me Ashton was going to come see me and I shouldn't have left. Which caused me to really regret everything and I sent an e-mail to this person. He ended up showing Ashton. Just to proove I wanted him... The person who did this, thought it'd scare Ashton...
September 25th, I head to the club again, hoping yet again to see the one who catches my heart... Ashton is there, and already drunk... I can only approach him after I drink too... That is what I notice, we tend to only approach eachother and flirt, and such when intoxicated... For me though, it's my deep feelings coming out, and it's like, I can blame the liquor, if it came down to him rejecting me... I don't know... Just, I'd rather him not know how I really feel and have a definate no.
We ended up talking for around 2 hours... He then said how insulted he was that I didn't call him again, then he said he knew about me wanting him... But then stated how he still was talking to me, he then told me his e-mail... And got my phone number... That night though, we ended up sleeping together... I did initiate it to happen, *sighs*...
The happiest moment ever... It meant so much to me... But, after, he did say "I'm bad. Frig." He didn't leave early in the morning either... I woke up half-way during the middle of the night and he had latched himself cuddeling me... But, when he had to go to his job interview that morning, he got his stuff... And, proceeded before he left to say "Aww, how cute..", in his natural sarcasm tone when he saw me latched up in the blanket... Just, I analyze things so much, the analyzation of the moments I hope to mean more... :(
A couple of times, I'd see Ashton out and about... Just, I couldn't let him know my feelings... I do put out this confusing aura to him, well, just... I have too... I don't want to scare him by being too pushy... One day he saw me all dressed for my job... He then said "My... aren't we looking mature today." I replied with "Blah!" Which really didn't help me to look mature. I can never tell when he is serious, so I just take everything he says as a joke/insult. But, I don't get mad. :P He then, basically got up to go to his job... But, first showed off his new earrings he put in. I just looked up and applauded, with a odd smirk. Trying to seem like "oh... that's nice, yah..." Ugh... I don't PLAY head games, except, this is the first time ever... It seems it... But, I'm not... Just, I don't want to get hurt again.
On October 4th, I was at my friends' drinking. I was drunk. Ashton showed up drunk, and yet again he slapped my ass... We begain to do it back and forth... People told us to stop flirting... We both denied we were. I wanted to tell him to stay... We continued to be hitting each other... He would pat my face lightly, and I'd get him back. Like, maybe all this is just due to him drinking liquor...? :( I don't see him do it to other girls... But, still... Blah. I'm confused. I just want to know if I have a CHANCE with him. Or how to talk to him without scaring him... *sighs* Finally, he just left, without staying... *sniff*
Seph knows about Ashton and I, for Seph called and I explained it to him, he does not mind at all... But, thinks I just like Ashton because I see himself in him. It is not the case.
October 12th was Ashton's birthday. I headed to the party at the club. He spoke to me before we all went in... Then, at one point during the night, I was sitting down. And someone from behind covers my eyes. I didn't know who, I asked, but to no reply. I then moved the hands and turned... Ashton... My heart... He spoke to me and told me he was dressing up for a party Halloween, and then said he worked at 8am... It was brief... I took a picture of him... I saw him one more time later, and I got a picture of me and him together, my arm around him. He stated after "I feel like Seph." He constantly says that, either it's because he thinks I only talk to him because I miss Seph or just doing it to annoy me, or a mixture of both... I just want him to see I care for him...
So, that is the most recent. I don't ever call him, I'm too afraid. I did once... And, just... What would be my excuse to call him now? I really care more and more every day for him. When, I DO see him, I care more and more. See, it's bad I care this much. I don't want to scare him and this would SCARE anyone.
Is there any hope for us to be together? I know if he did like me, he would dump his girlfriend right away. Just, I feel bad enough that that happened and he has one... He doesn't like her, and just, the situation he got himself into... Just, if he did *dump* her right now, I don't think she'd be taking ANYTHING well. I wish I could say why, but I just cannot. Even, if this is annonymous in a way anyways... But, gah, he'd never go for me... Just, I'm lost. I found out from someone that he is not the type to have flings... But, for the most part, most guys after they have someone, they don't really want them in a relationship, in my past experience... Just, I shouldn't have done it, but, I felt, if that was the only way I could have him... Then... ya. I know. It's lame. :P I probably screwed any chance of us together for the future by doing that, if by SOME miracle I could of gotten him.
And, I WOULD trust him in a relationship. I don't know who to turn too, or where to go. I just want to be with him and make him happy. He keeps me interested, he is good at heart, intriguing and very intelligent. I'll wait, I'll just be a friend. What do you suggest? What can I do for now? I'm falling more and more for him, I'm scared, I just want to be with him in a relationship... I don't know if he likes me, he still talks after what happened... He isn't like most other men, not at all, why I'm so intrigued. He is complexe. I'm sorry for the length, I had to get get it in detail... Thank you so much for your time for anyone who read through it all.