Do I have a chance? What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Do I have a chance? What should I do?
Fri, 10-17-2003 - 12:52am
My situation is a confusing one, I need help to decide what I should do. If he likes me, or could like me... If there is more I can do... Some way to break the ice... I care for *him* more and more each day, it scares me. I do I want to be with him, I want to make him happy... But, I never win the guy. I never do. It's mostly my personality, I'm not like other girls. I usually get the lines "Your too good of a friend." or "I thought I liked you... But, I'm sorry... I tried.". I like going for complicated guys, because, I like to be intrigued, due to the fact, I'm the same. I'm going to explain it, so you can understand it more... Understand my view...:)

I'll try to explain this shortly as possible. It may be difficult though...

A year ago, I met two people on seperate occasions. A guy named let's call him Seph and another named Ashton. I met Seph first at a party I went too, but, didn't get his contact information... Then, the next guy, Ashton, I met around 3 weeks later before another party, outside a pizza shop. We ended up talking and sitting outside the club talking for around 1 1/2 hours before, I couldn't help but think his eyes were familiar. I felt some little connection, but, I didn't think much of it.

Well, 1 month later, I meet up with Seph again... We begin to have a relationship, or what seems to be one, more of seeing each other... It lasted 2 months. He didn't like me, he tried too, but didn't feel the *spark*. I had fallen pretty baddly for him, as well.. I'm picky and find it hard to like people, but, when I do I fall hard. We are now friends, I will always have a place in my heart for him. But, during that time. I found out... Ashton was his brother.

Now, last march... I went to a house party, Seph invited me to it. Since, we are very good friends. I drank and such that night. Then, Ashton showed up. I didn't think much of it. Ashton, intrigued me. When I first met him, he did intrigue me. He just, was an all around very nice guy. Ashton is so highly intelligent, interesting, his voice... you can't help but fall for it. Both brother had that intellect. I see the differences in them now, which, I don't think either knows. Or, perhaps they do.

But anyways, Ashton shows up... And states how I love his brother, a very true statement at the time. I must explain myself, I don't want to seem too pushy and eager. I don't like people knowing how I feel, I'd rather not know, then get rejection. And since, I still felt love for Seph around 2 months after we broken up... I didn't want him to know, I had to hide it. I denied it, but it's the whole, Ashton could see through it. Through my denials, I eventually admitted the truth. Just, he always knows what I mean... Just, I'd rather people not know my emotions/feelings, because once they do, I always never win the hearts of them. Why,I always try to hide how I feel... Even, if I do a bad job at it. When he *told* me I did, even when I denied it. I guess that led to the first attraction. But then, I had to deny it. For I felt it was wrong, in some way... Mostly, due to him being 5 years older then me, and older then Seph... And, being Seph's brother.

It wasn't just that, before I slept that night, I claimed the couch to sleep on. I got up and returned to see him claiming it. I told him I had to have it or else I'd have no where to sleep, he finally said we could share. My head was on one end, his on the other, our legs touching. I used my large coat as a blanket. People we knew were having sex on the floor in front of us, we couldn't sleep, but we pretended too... But then, I felt something, my foot... He massaged my foot, and feet. For 5 hours it basically went on. I still remember the thoughts in my head... "You can't. He is Seph's brother. No. He is doing this to mess with your head." I massaged his foot back at one point. I remember telling some people about this situation, and them, not knowing what it meant. It confused me, and lasted around 5 hours... I massaged his foot at 4 hour mark, I got my courage up, but, my face was burning hot and blushing...

After that, just no one knew of it. And since I rarely see him... I tried to throw it out of my head, tried to turn what happened into him try messing with my head. I made myself dislike Ashton, or, tried too. I thought I did, but... I did not... It was not until recently I realised it was bottled up emotions... I'll get into that now...

During most of this time, Seph moves away, but I hang out with his friends still. I still keep my friendship with Seph as well, and try to keep in contact through e-mail. I start going to a club to go drinking on Thursday. Little did I know, Ashton went too. Little did I know, I'd realise how I felt.

September 4th of this year rolls around. I head to the club... Ashton sees me and pokes fun at me, as usual. When we first met EVER, he was so kind. But, he had now become non-stop making fun of me. Telling me to leave, and no one likes me. He isn't a bad person, though. He just jokes. I know. I know he was joking though, which he reasured me. Just, the type of person he is. Well, we get drunk... And it leads to some how, me in his arms most of the night. Myself with arms latched around him, and him hugging me back. He could of pushed me off, or told me no, but he didn't... Maybe, just because he didn't want to hurt me? No one ever expected that to happen. It led to nothing, he had to go home... That night, I found out he had a girlfriend from my friends... My heart sunk, because, I knew how I felt.

September 11, I go to the Club again... Hoping, just to see him. Knowing, I could only talk to him, if I drank... The courage I lack... At the beginning, as usual, he pokes fun of me and says how much I love his brother. He seems to always bring him up, and all I want him to see NOW, is it that I do not see his brother in him, now. I care, and have fallen so deeply for him...

Ashton and I had this childish, almost flirtacious nature that night. He slapped my butt, and I'd do it back to him... Back and forth, he threw his drink on me, I did it back, he spit his drink on me and I did it back... Just, I longed for him. Doing that, just tempted me more and more... Just, the whole playfulness amused me. I'd tell him I hated him and he'd tell me "No, you don't", then I'd glare evily at him.

I didn't know how to show my emotions, and doing that, I could at least have some contact, and I enjoyed it. It was amusing. And at one point, we sat on the table together. He told me that night something, about his girlfriend, I am one not to repeat things if told something important. I cannot repeat it, but, he is stuck, he doesn't want to hurt his girlfriend... He can't leave her yet. Mostly, I don't think he knows how to either. He isn't a player type guy... I know many people who have known him awhile. Just, he doesn't want to hurt anymore...

He told me to go dance... And then I just looked up at him... We then looked at each other, I knew what was next... We moved in closer, the kiss... My heart raced... By the end of the night, he gave me his phone number... I called it 2 days later, and he said he forgot giving it to me... Which he probably did, but then when I said that, he said he remember giving it to me then.... I didn't bring up us kissing... I didn't bring up anything of the sort. He probably remembered it a bit, due to people telling him, but, it was awkward... Just, I found it odd that we talked for 1 1/2 hours on the phone.

September 18th, another club night I go too... In high hopes to see Ashton... I ended up going home, though... This guy I know, who tends to lie told me Ashton was going to come see me and I shouldn't have left. Which caused me to really regret everything and I sent an e-mail to this person. He ended up showing Ashton. Just to proove I wanted him... The person who did this, thought it'd scare Ashton...

September 25th, I head to the club again, hoping yet again to see the one who catches my heart... Ashton is there, and already drunk... I can only approach him after I drink too... That is what I notice, we tend to only approach eachother and flirt, and such when intoxicated... For me though, it's my deep feelings coming out, and it's like, I can blame the liquor, if it came down to him rejecting me... I don't know... Just, I'd rather him not know how I really feel and have a definate no.

We ended up talking for around 2 hours... He then said how insulted he was that I didn't call him again, then he said he knew about me wanting him... But then stated how he still was talking to me, he then told me his e-mail... And got my phone number... That night though, we ended up sleeping together... I did initiate it to happen, *sighs*...

The happiest moment ever... It meant so much to me... But, after, he did say "I'm bad. Frig." He didn't leave early in the morning either... I woke up half-way during the middle of the night and he had latched himself cuddeling me... But, when he had to go to his job interview that morning, he got his stuff... And, proceeded before he left to say "Aww, how cute..", in his natural sarcasm tone when he saw me latched up in the blanket... Just, I analyze things so much, the analyzation of the moments I hope to mean more... :(

A couple of times, I'd see Ashton out and about... Just, I couldn't let him know my feelings... I do put out this confusing aura to him, well, just... I have too... I don't want to scare him by being too pushy... One day he saw me all dressed for my job... He then said "My... aren't we looking mature today." I replied with "Blah!" Which really didn't help me to look mature. I can never tell when he is serious, so I just take everything he says as a joke/insult. But, I don't get mad. :P He then, basically got up to go to his job... But, first showed off his new earrings he put in. I just looked up and applauded, with a odd smirk. Trying to seem like "oh... that's nice, yah..." Ugh... I don't PLAY head games, except, this is the first time ever... It seems it... But, I'm not... Just, I don't want to get hurt again.

On October 4th, I was at my friends' drinking. I was drunk. Ashton showed up drunk, and yet again he slapped my ass... We begain to do it back and forth... People told us to stop flirting... We both denied we were. I wanted to tell him to stay... We continued to be hitting each other... He would pat my face lightly, and I'd get him back. Like, maybe all this is just due to him drinking liquor...? :( I don't see him do it to other girls... But, still... Blah. I'm confused. I just want to know if I have a CHANCE with him. Or how to talk to him without scaring him... *sighs* Finally, he just left, without staying... *sniff*

Seph knows about Ashton and I, for Seph called and I explained it to him, he does not mind at all... But, thinks I just like Ashton because I see himself in him. It is not the case.

October 12th was Ashton's birthday. I headed to the party at the club. He spoke to me before we all went in... Then, at one point during the night, I was sitting down. And someone from behind covers my eyes. I didn't know who, I asked, but to no reply. I then moved the hands and turned... Ashton... My heart... He spoke to me and told me he was dressing up for a party Halloween, and then said he worked at 8am... It was brief... I took a picture of him... I saw him one more time later, and I got a picture of me and him together, my arm around him. He stated after "I feel like Seph." He constantly says that, either it's because he thinks I only talk to him because I miss Seph or just doing it to annoy me, or a mixture of both... I just want him to see I care for him...

So, that is the most recent. I don't ever call him, I'm too afraid. I did once... And, just... What would be my excuse to call him now? I really care more and more every day for him. When, I DO see him, I care more and more. See, it's bad I care this much. I don't want to scare him and this would SCARE anyone.

Is there any hope for us to be together? I know if he did like me, he would dump his girlfriend right away. Just, I feel bad enough that that happened and he has one... He doesn't like her, and just, the situation he got himself into... Just, if he did *dump* her right now, I don't think she'd be taking ANYTHING well. I wish I could say why, but I just cannot. Even, if this is annonymous in a way anyways... But, gah, he'd never go for me... Just, I'm lost. I found out from someone that he is not the type to have flings... But, for the most part, most guys after they have someone, they don't really want them in a relationship, in my past experience... Just, I shouldn't have done it, but, I felt, if that was the only way I could have him... Then... ya. I know. It's lame. :P I probably screwed any chance of us together for the future by doing that, if by SOME miracle I could of gotten him.

And, I WOULD trust him in a relationship. I don't know who to turn too, or where to go. I just want to be with him and make him happy. He keeps me interested, he is good at heart, intriguing and very intelligent. I'll wait, I'll just be a friend. What do you suggest? What can I do for now? I'm falling more and more for him, I'm scared, I just want to be with him in a relationship... I don't know if he likes me, he still talks after what happened... He isn't like most other men, not at all, why I'm so intrigued. He is complexe. I'm sorry for the length, I had to get get it in detail... Thank you so much for your time for anyone who read through it all.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 10-17-2003 - 8:23am

I'll try to respond the best I can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-17-2003 - 8:31am
It sounds like you like the thrill of the chase - it's not about men who are complicated as in healthily complex - iintelligent, with varied interests and points of view - you simply like the bad boys and you are trying desperately to dress it up as if they are simply complex - you love falling in love with love and you probably get clingy/needy or at least very forward early on and this typically turns men off especially in the beginning - when you truly decide you want a relationship and not a sexual fling or a pining away sort of thing, you will find that you don't want "complicated" - you will want the man who is there in the morning, who calls you in advance for a proper date rather than knowing you'll show up and be ready for sex at the club and they probably don't even have to buy you a drink - you will want a man who treats you with respect - of course - find a man who intrigues you - my last long term relationship - several years - he still intrigued me and challenged me with the way he looked at life and his artistic talents - but he was Mr. Reliable from the first day.

For now, enjoy the drama - it seems to keep you feeling alive - at some point you will tire of it. However, please make sure to use excellent birth control, get tested often and hope that this guy's girlfriend does not know where you live - and also - realize that the women who would be close friends with you will tire of hearing all the drama and will not want you around when they meet a wonderful man because you might be a little overly flirtatious. be careful with that - women friends are worth their weight in gold.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Fri, 10-17-2003 - 8:57am
The thing about me, I'm not flirtacious at all. My friends do trust me beyond words, I'd NEVER go for a friends ex. They do tire of me going on and on about this, though. I tend to really get way too obsessed. My personality sucks in that aspect. For most guys, they ARE complexe and jerks, this guy really is not. Why, I'm so intrigued with him. I know how jerks are, some of my guy friends are. Ashton is, very deep, so is his brother, Seph. Why I took notice to both, both have this weird sense to life and thoughts. They like to come off as they are, but, there is more too it. I ended up learning so much from Seph on lots of things. Just, I know it seems he is a jerk, but, infact, thankfully isn't. Just, he likes to come off as one, because he has figured in his head, girls like it. Like, he is a nice guy. I do want a long term with a guy, I've went for super nice guys who wouldn't even tease me, they'd lose interest or not like me. but for Ashton and Seph, It's more because they are on a downward spiral... I can't help but want to be there for them, even if I have no way to help them. They are really good friends and care a great deal...

The advice you gave is excellent. I know, but, it's weird. It's like I went for the *nice* guys and got rejected by them too, I don't know. It's like I can't settle down with ANY guy. The thing is, there is more to it, he could easily dump his girlfriend. I, myself, in his situation, would not do it yet. Like, usually, as soon as I'd realise I do not care for someone... I'd tell them. But, his situation is different. She needs all the emotional support right now that she can have.

I do enjoy drama, I do thrive on it. Just, it does make my life interesting. I tend to draw, and I love just having such a thing happen. The weird thing is, I think he would go out with me, if he was single, like he'd atleast give me a chance... But, I have zero confidence, thus, making me do nothing.

Just, for friendships, they are my life, and I'd never destroy one. :) I really care for my friends more then some do for me, but, I don't care. I'm just overly caring, I get walked over alot and used... But, I think, if it makes them happy, then that's good. But, trying to sort of get a bit out of that... Ashton doesn't use me, if anything, I really didn't help him out, I got drunk and turned into someone I'm not usually...

I feel bad about his girlfriend, though, just there is so much to it... I don't think she'd come after me... But, ugh, just can't wait for when ti will be safe for him to dump her, because, not liking her won't help him in the long run. But, even when he does, I won't be with him. Ah well. It's the experience. I don't know, just, I want to find someone so bad, and I find it hard to like certain people. And when I do, I come off way too strong.

The sad thing is, I may have had a chance. Just, he gave me his number, e-mail and all contact information. And even after, stated he was insulted that I had not called him. But yet, I didn't call him. Like, he got my number too, but stated he doesn't call people. Neither did his brother, ever. Until recently, like 2 weeks ago to tell me he is coming home in 4 weeks. Just, they have neat views and ways of doing things. I know I have more in common with Seph. But, Ashton is more likely to have a long term relationship, and I don't know, during this tiem, I feel for him. It all goes down to, I could of tried to talk to him more, and I could try to approach him, normally. But, I do not... I just don't want to scare him off.

Edited 10/17/2003 9:05:09 AM ET by sunkensunsamurai

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Fri, 10-17-2003 - 10:39am
Let me guess. His girlfriend is pregnant - right?

Whatever the situation w/ his gf is - she is still his gf. He is being disrespectful to her by going out to clubs and cheating on her. So whatever good traits he may have - he's also dishonest and a cheater.

"For most guys, they ARE complexe and jerks, this guy really is not."

I suggest that you try hanging w/a different crowd. Sure, there are guys who are jerks (as there are women who are jerks) - but I totally disagree w/your statement that MOST guys are jerks. That simply is not true in my experience.

I know you didn't ask this, but I would also suggest that you think long and hard about your drinking. It sounds like a lot of this stuff happened when you were drunk and I think you even said something about not having the courage to talk to him until you had a drink. Not a sign of a healthy relationship. Sure, I like to have a drink now and then - but I am perfectly capable of talking to my bf sober, and in fact I prefer that.

As far as his statement that he 'doesn't call people' - I get the feeling that this guy likes having you running around in circles over him. Probably makes him feel like a stud that he has a gf at home and you (and who knows how many other women?) also chasing after him. You deserve better than that. There ARE nice, respectful men out there who will treat you kindly and with respect, who don't cheat, who will call you and take you out on dates. I think you would be much happier and have a lot less drama in your life if you found a man like that. What do you think?

I wish you the best. :-)


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Fri, 10-17-2003 - 11:49am
"They do tire of me going on and on about this, though. I tend to really get way too obsessed. My personality sucks in that aspect."

You have no idea how much I identify w/the obsession you're just becoming aware of. In my case, it took 2 yrs of therapy to realize why I obsessed: b/c, while still the "fat girl who never had a BF," I tended to look at each r'ship as My Very Last Chance (something my mom also tended to do). Once I became aware of that and why I did it, I stopped that thinking and the obsessive behavior, and now I'm much better about it. I still have some moments, but I'm way better than I was.

Perhaps if you focused some of that attention on yourself instead of these men, then you'd find some answers that you seem to be searching for here.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-17-2003 - 11:57am
When a man is truly interested in a relationship with a lady, he calls her in advance, takes her out on a proper date that he mostly planned, and then calls her again within several days for another date. After a few months, he introduces you to friends and sometimes family with pride and respect. There are few squabbles about calling, etc because he calls you consistently and regularly and you feel comfortable calling him back. As far as sex, you have sex when you are ready and exclusive and his girlfriend (at least, that's what I do) - when your friends ask you how it's going, all you can really say is "fine" with a smile because while it is exciting it is quiet excitement, not drama.

As far as loyalty to your friends I can bet at least one of them would feel uncomfortable leaving you alone at a party with a boyfriend - it's just natural. Practice from now on having 80% of the conversation concern either your friend's life or something other than your life - it's a habit - just practice it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Fri, 10-17-2003 - 12:23pm
I'm going to guess that you are in your early 20's here. Most women that age do look at men as the one. Every guy they meet has the potential to be the one. It's an age thing and we all get passed it (I'm still working on it) Cut him off. Cut off his brother. Get a healthy set of friends that you can go out with and not drink. Find other hobbies. What you are doing is not healthy and you are going to destroy another persons heart. He is with her for a reason. He can say he's not happy all he wants but if it were true he would leave her, would have left her a long time ago. You are obsessing and soon no one will want to be around you because that's all you talk about. Would you want to be around people that wouldn't shut up about the warts on their toes or the way the mailman delivers mail? Its a boring topic after the story has already been told. He will hurt you because you are letting him. If he really wanted you he has your number. He would call. I know that this hurts hearing it and its not what you want to hear but it will help if you follow the advice.

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