Do we Sabatogue Ourselves?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Do we Sabatogue Ourselves?
11
Sun, 07-21-2013 - 6:32pm

I was thinking about what Music said on a post a few days ago about the fact that she kinda knew a few men already and at some point most of us on here have come across some single men and women in our years of being single..

Someone I knew from H.S. who happens to be a man (married) said to me I bet you have run into a few men and not even noticed they were looking at you or they could have been a potential mate.. you probably just past them by.. I had to think about that and thought hey that could be true.. I have run into and met many men in the past few years but I always thought none were for me romantically.. Like we say the ones who liked me I didnt like them or the ones I liked didnt like me but maybe that is wrong thinking ...

Lets face it we are all aging and complaining there are no eligible men or women but there has to be and maybe we are just passing them up. Lets take this new guy I  just met.. He isnt so bad and not bad looking and we have been talking on the phone here and there. I am going to see him wed. night at a meet up group he signed up for . I signed up first and he said he saw me on the list and signed up cause i was going.. Now he does live about an 50 minutes away but hey maybe he could be a potential ? I think maybe looking at men or women as potentials seems to be alot better than complaining there are no men or women for us..... I mean if you do go somewhere anywhere you are bound to meet someone along the way.. So he or she is not perfect but there is potential there somewhere.. We are not perfect so why do we expect others to be..I am not talking about liking a hot mess or anything but noticing more and keeping the eyes peeled more.. Does this make sense?

Maybe its time to open our eyes and look around at what is out there when we go grocery shopping or walking or the park or whatever.. I mean there is a whole huge world out there and we must be missing something....My cousin met her husband at the gas station.. He was pumping gas and they started talking and then dating and then got married. This is an example and not telling anyone to marry a gas station guy.... But you guys know what I mean and getting at???

Well just some thoughts for the day....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 07-21-2013 - 7:13pm

What did I say?  lol  I can't even remember.  Well I do think that sometimes we are going about our business and not noticing people.  For ex, a lot of times I would go out to lunch by myself just to get out of the office, not to any place fancy, but I'm typically reading the paper so if someone interesting sat next to me, I probably wouldn't notice.  But it's also kind of boring just sitting there eating alone with no one to talk to as well.  But I do remember reading some kind of magazine article I think about taking advantage of opportunities and that was one experiment they did--sending someone to eat alone and noticing who would talk to him.

I do agree that up to a certain point we should give people the benefit of the doubt and not judge to quickly if they are for us or not.  Maybe someone is not the best looking or whatever but if you got to know them, maybe they would be nice.

Now what I have enjoyed doing lately much more than looking for potential dates is going to events and just meeting people and not looking for dates at all--it really takes so much pressure offf and if you aren't looking at people just as potential partners, you get to enjoy meeting a lot more people.  Just last night my friend & I went out dancing and it was not a big crowd--there were probably 2 middle aged men there and it seemed that one of them was going through all the young girls to dance with them first--finally I did get to dance with him.  The other one was kind of by himself so I ended up asking him to dance too.  But this young woman in her 20's asked if she could sit at our table and we ended up talking to her a lot.  I think she came alone so maybe she felt more protected sitting with 2 moms.  There was also a group of young people there who took lessons together and were excellent dancers--both my friend & I danced with these 20 something guys who didn't seem to mind since we are also good dancers and know what we are doing.  Now none of the men I danced with was interesting to me in the sense of trying to get a date with them--but just interacting with them as people was fun & I ended up having a good time.

Now when I go somewhere I don't look to get a date because I'd end up being really disappointed, but if I look at events like can I dance a lot or can I meet some fun people, it's a lot more interesting.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sun, 07-21-2013 - 8:06pm

I get what you're saying, but I don't think I'm passing up large numbers of eligible men. I also don't like to always be thinking about trying to meet someone---if I'm at an event, like Music, I want to meet people, not just men. I think we can try too hard when we put ourselves under pressure to look at every man in the room, evaluate him and try to meet him. Of course we can look, but it can become like a part-time job.

I've said for a long time, that a lot of it is luck.

And as far as the grocery store goes...once a few years ago I saw a man at the grocery store who seemed to be looking at me. I thought there might be potential there, so when we met face to face on the next aisle, I spoke to him. He acted nervous and walked away without really saying anything. I even went back to the store at the same time the next week (I'd read once that men can be very routine in their shopping) but I never saw him again. This is just one example, but it's like going to Home Depot to meet men--how do you really do it?

I also don't think we should try to talk ourselves into wanting someone who we're just not connecting with. If you're not attracted, you just aren't. Trying harder will not make it happen.

I don't think we are "missing something." I just think there is a dearth of available, normal men as one ages. You can't get blood from a turnip, ya know?

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 07-21-2013 - 8:18pm

  It is more difficult the older one is. First because we may have our own agenda's for the day shopping, errands,etc.  When we were 19 it would not be unusual to drop everything.  But now, we would think of all the reasons why not.  2nd,our standards have changed.  We recognize incompatibility factors,looks,money,class,perceived intelligence,embarrassment, trashed abode etc.

  

dragowoman

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sun, 07-21-2013 - 9:34pm

Like Music and Florida, I don't go out to meet men. That just makes for a very disappointing night. I do think I'm pretty observant, though, even when I'm out shopping.  Most of the guys I notice at the grocery store are on the phone, obviously with their wives trying to figure out what exactly they're supposed to buy. If that's not the case, they're with a wife/girlfriend.  Guys I notice when I'm out quickly prove they aren't my type. For example, last Thursday a friend's husband brought a bunch of his coworkers with him. I noticed one immediately and thought he might be about my age. It took about half an hour for him to become obnoxious. I found out later that he was sleeping at work (his dad's shop) that night because he was in the doghouse with his girlfriend. There's a single guy who lives across the street from me. I work with his aunt. I think he's 28. She swears he's a nice guy with a good head on his shoulders. I know his house is the party house on the block. 

I've posted about 75% of the men I've met here in the past 6-9 months. I am always given the "he's not into you" response or something else is found wrong. So maybe there is something to what Free is saying. I know I'm a lot more forgiving than a lot of people, but I do think we need to remember that men are humans too. If we want them to give us a chance, we've gotta do the same. (Within reason, of course.)
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 07-21-2013 - 10:29pm

Could it be the belief system?   Do you think you are entitled to a romantic life?  Now what do you really want if you could have the ideal life what would it be?  Are you worthy,entitled to the life you think you want.  What are your belief system saying to you?

dragowoman

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Mon, 07-22-2013 - 7:26am

i don't know if sabotage is the word (Beastie Boys are now on repeat in ma brain) but I know there are times when I am in my own head or am focussed on the tasks at hand thus, not always in the moment or paying attention.  I shared with y'all how much attention my friend got in Chattanooga.  She kept saying: "I don't get this kind of attention back home."  Well, she has two jobs and three kids back home.  She's probably more focussed on that instead of trying to figure out why the guy in the blue shirt keeps smiling at her.  

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 07-22-2013 - 1:22pm

I do think there are people who sabatogue relationships.  Generally someone who always finds the faults in the other person, or makes excuses on their end, or what have you.

I haven't been single in 8 years, but my experience has been, in a nutshell, that I made my self available, yet I wasn't looking.  If that makes sense. 

I did do OLD for a brief few months and although I don't regret it, that is not where I met my DH.  I just wanted to date, and that is what I did. 

I think Music's story hits the nail on the head.  Do what you enjoy and be available. 

I met my DH through I guy I was seeing.  I was talking to my now DH about his friend I was in a LDR with.  Things didn't work out with his friend and here I am 8 years later, married to him. 

You just never know! 

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 07-22-2013 - 2:32pm

Serenity.. You are very blessed and lucky and been in right place at right time.. Most of us on this singles board are doing what we like and havent met anyone yet.. I am 59 and female and the reality is that we all believe the dating pool is shrinking for the aging woman.. Some days I believe that and others I am more positive and I dont believe it.. I have no idea what to believe anymore..

I do know that since 2008 I have like many on this board been online dating and meet ups and dances and singles events and set ups and run the whole gamut of the singles scene yet we are all still single or I  think we on this board are all single. Not sure

We cant say sabatogue a relationship because we on this board are not in any loving SO partner relationships or I dont think so because its a singles board...

I have gone hiking, walking, clubs and golf and do what I like but so far not in a relationship... I have dated on and off over the years and met plenty of men but nothing ever stuck..but they were mostly one date and then I was seeing a guy for four weeks in 2009 but that was just for fun.. That is about it since my divorce since 2008.

After studying Laws of Attraction and starting to practice it and its pretty challenging and watching Abraham Hicks videos they say that one can meet someone anywhere even just walking out the door or to the mailbox but only if the vibration in the person is at a good level and the energy levels of both of the people are at a good point. So if my vibration is good and energy levels are up there and I am positive which is pretty challenging for me since I am a Debbie Downer at times then I should be able to meet someone at the dollar store.. according to this theory...

KWIM??

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 07-22-2013 - 10:28pm

Well I only believe in the Laws of Attraction up to a point.  I think that we can put out negative energy and make ourselves unattractive.  I remember going to a dance and there were people from a meetup group there.  There was one woman and we did say hi to each other but I guess she was extremely shy or something because I don't think she danced, she basically sat in the chair along the wall, didn't talk to anyone--if you want to meet people, that's not the vibe to give out.  The guy who is the head of this group is very friendly, will take turns dancing with all the women and seems to go out of his way to introduce people who might have something in common.  But she should have been doing her part too--if she was too shy to talk to the men, she could have talked more to the women.  Everyone likes to meet someone who is open & friendly and has a good personality.

But it also doesn't always work and you can't blame yourself--you can go to something and say that your'e going to be open and positive and still not meet anyone and you just never know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 07-22-2013 - 11:01pm

Music. I know what you are saying but if you check utube and check out "Abraham Hicks" videos and watch them you will be fascinated by what it is.. I cant explain on here but according to Esther Hicks she believes whatever is in our vibration is what we are going to attract.. That woman by the wall could have met someone even if she was just sitting there and not dancing.. because lets say her energy and vibration were high but she was shy then she would attract someone no matter what.. A man's vibration at the dance  and her vibration might have matched no matter what.. and they wouldnt even have to be dancing...

Its different than saying someone is just not outgoing or friendly or whatever and cant attract anyone because they are quiet.  I know alot of introverted people who never go out who find other mates by other means..

It is a practice the laws of attraction and I am having a pretty challenging time with it because at times I can be so negative I attract negative.. so maybe we are all lucky in that its better not to attract something bad into our lives..According to the theory one must stay in a positive state alot of the time and that is pretty challenging.

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