do you ever get tired of searching

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
do you ever get tired of searching
9
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 12:06pm

But at the same time you feel like you want to give up? I never thought it would be so difficult to find someone to connect with and share a life with. I suppose it should be difficult when you're searching for someone to fill the role of 'life partner' but how come it always seems so easy for other people? Some people meet someone at a young age and that's it, they're with them for life. I'm 28 and always thought i'd have at least one child by now...well I stopped thinking that at 25 when my ex and i broke up...but then i guess i never thought i still wouldnt have found that person by now.

Sometimes i dont even feel like a whole person...it's like, who am i to even be searching for a possible mate right now? I guess it's my bio clock...i want to have kids. I know i have until i'm about 40 to have kids, but that's even pushing it.

Do you think maybe we arent supposed to search? Maybe things like online dating should not exist? Perhaps we are meant to just let it happen and not be looking for it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 12:29pm
Well, I don't feel like I'm not a whole person, but I know what you mean.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 1:05pm

That phrase, "it will happen when you least expect it" is a pat answer from people who don't know what else to say when you tell them you're tired of dating/looking/being lonely, etc. It's better than them saying, "phew - glad it's you and not me - I'm so happy I have a great husband/boyfriend." :)

Yes, I am mostly kidding when I say that, but sometimes that's how it feels.

So, if we're not supposed to look - are we supposed to wait at home and hope the UPS guy turns out to be the love of our life? I think you DO have to look to some extent - - at least enough to get out of the house among people. Yes, even if that means OLD is what gets you out. Just look at it as one more place to meet people.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 6:43pm

LOL, I think you're right about that! Thanks for the chuckle.

And seriously, I don't get how you're supposed to "not look" if you want to meet potential dates. I work from home...how am I supposed to "not look" yet meet someone? Not gonna happen...

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 4:17pm
I completely agree with the other posters. If you feel like making an effort and looking for it then by all means look for it, because it can increase your chances of finding it big time than if you just sit and wait for it to happen. I do think it's easy for happily coupled people who have never been single for any length of time to say this as well. They don't know what us singles have to go through to find that one for us. They just can't put themselves in our shoes. A lot of the times I think people settle because they don't want to have to make the effort and keep the faith to keep looking for that great fit for them. It's easier not to go through the turmoil and look. It will be all worth the trouble and efforts when you do find that one and then you'll know that you took the road less travelled and challenged yourself. Besides it helps you gain strength and grow. They say good things come to those that wait and when you do find it, it will be even more special and meaningful to you because it was a rough road finding it.
One thing I have to say about looking too hard though from experience, you can get burnt out so it's a careful balance of getting yourself out there and making an effort but knowing when to step back when it gets too much or too disappointing.
Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 4:59am

Well, Corbeach, I can really relate and I've been single WAY longer.

Have you ever noticed how contradictory these two messages are: "Find a man!" and "You'll only meet him when you stop looking!"? Does anyone ever say to men "Find a woman?"

It's quite a conundrum. But I agree with some of these other posts: you do need to get out and mingle with people. It doesn't mean you have to only focus on the men...just try to meet people you find interesting. Chances are, you'll meet someone through someone you know anyway. And obviously, if you're out doing activities you enjoy, you're more likely to meet a man who shares your interests, plus, you'll at least be out having a little fun.

I've been through many phases of being single, from feeling completely hopeless, to feeling like I need to just get used to never having anyone, to feeling very optimistic. It's a big cycle. But I can tell you that being positive about it is really the only way. This doesn't mean you won't get discouraged, because you will, but a positive expectation will make your life much happier. I'm not saying I always live this way—it can be hard.

Two books you may enjoy: "Expect a Miracle" and "With or Without a Man"

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 8:41am
lol, i was in the video store the other night and this guy in front of me turned around and said, you need a man! I was like, umm, how do you know i dont have one? He seemed really irritated and was like, well he's not taking you out if you do have one, you should fire the one you have if you have one. THen he went on to say he would spoil me if i was his, blah, blah. It still didnt feel good that some random stranger was telling me i need a man...i had a few guy friends tell me that i need a man as well...but this is likely because i complain about being single...and i have single for a while now...the last time i had a serious RL was over 2 years ago...now i know that's not that long in the grand scheme of life...but it's longer than a lot of folks i know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 3:48am
I've disliked the "stop looking, it will happen when you least expect it" line, too. But I think I haven't liked it because part of me thinks it's very true :)
Maybe it's more like you sign up for a gourmet cooking class, then daydream about some hunk who signed up for it, too, and you work up a froth of expectation for the class (aka the guy), which most likely will not have a hunk - and then, while you're standing in line at the post office (where you weren't looking for a man) you meet a nice guy who turns out to be great. And then you tell all your friends that "it will happen when you least expect it!" I've found that most things in my life haven't happened quite as I expected, so I imagine it wouldn't be any different with finding a mate, which is far less plannable than most things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2006
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 12:04pm

I agree about the hopeless feeling- especially when everyone you know is coupled up!!! The thing is, I've also found that relationships come when you least expect them- my last one for instance started when both of us were dating other people, but just clicked so well in hanging out with a group of friends that we ended up breaking off relatioships that were just not making us happy, meeting each other was just the last straw!!! With the guy I had been dating at that time, that was also completely out of nowhere- I had just broken up with someone I was so in love with a few days before, and ran into this guy I had been friends with in high school at a restaurant. So yea, it happens when you are least expecting it.

That being said, now that I'm single again (and its only been a few months so I can't complaint too much) I am seeing how hard it is outside the world of school life - being in the city with only a handful of friends here, all of whom are coupled up, doesn't make it easy to meet good guys!!! I am 27 so pretty similar to the original poster age wise- while when I was younger I had never planned on marriage and kids by any age, within the last few years I have been feeling like I'd like to be married soon so I can enjoy just being married before having kids!! Its frustrating to know there's this timeline - I know I'm going to have trouble having kids so don't want to let myself think I can wait till 40, or even 35, because I know that's not realistic for me

One piece of advice - don't try to date people in the office! sure its convenient but it can make things awfully complicated when it doesn't work out! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 12:23pm

I have the same conflicting feelings, corbeach.

I think that love will just happen when you least expect it to.
I'm a strong believer in Fate so I believe that you haven't found the right person just yet for a reason. It WILL happen.

Online dating sites and all, I don't think they are the answer.

Keep your head up - I honestly doubt God would allow you to suffer the pain of not having a life partner for much longer.

:)