Do you ever LIE to a new date?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Do you ever LIE to a new date?
18
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 8:53am
This is an ethical ? I've been batting about for awhile, since I'll be "re-socializing" again after my knee surgeries are over. But would you lie about: your age, education, job, salary, family, etc?

One thing I plan to do is shave a few years off my age; at 49-to-be, 44 is still plausible. I figure, at this age, if he can't understand and/or accept it, I don't want him anyway--and it's a tiny fib; it's not as if I'm telling him I'm loaded ($$ly, that is).

How do YOU all out there feel about it?

Ash

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 9:40am
If a man lied to me about his age or educational level or marital status or job that would be our last date. Since you are past childbearing years I think it is perfectly acceptable to refuse to give your age but not to affirmatively lie. In that same category, I don't "tell all" about why past relationships ended - but I don't lie, either. It sounds like you just want to date around and not have a real relationship that includes trust - so in that case - sure lie since it's only for fun.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 9:57am
Hi Ash,

I feel that it is wrong and starts things off on a bad note if you lie to a man you're dating. How would you feel if he did the same to you? I'm guessing you would feel betrayed and you would wonder what else he had lied to you about. I know that's how I would feel. I would have a real problem trusting someone if I knew he had lied to me.

If you're not comfortable telling a man your age, that's fine. Just don't tell him and don't answer if he asks ("I'd rather not say" or "A lady never tells her age"). That's how I handle things like this. For instance, I have a family member who has a lot of problems - mental, emotional, etc. - I normally don't tell a new bf the whole story right away - it's a bit overwhelming - but I don't lie about it. I just tell what I'm comfortable revealing at the time, and later will fill in the story.

You had posted earlier about living a complicated vs a simple life. I think that when you start off a relationship with a lie, it unavoidably complicates things. Just my opinion. I hope this helps, and good luck to you as you get out there in the dating world again! :-)

ginger

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 10:42am
Well, let's see.....

People do what they do because they want to do it. Their values justify and entitle their actions, decisions and words. Their reasoning process this is the correct thing to do to get the desired result.

So if a man lied about his age to me.....I'd figure he was uncomfortable with his age/status in life...and he was looking to benefit via an alliance with me...and I'd make sure he didn't have one as a result of that approach.

How could I trust anything he said...if he lied about something so stupid as his age?

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 10:49am
Well I will be. I have a huge house & the first impression people may get is that I am loaded. I am very lucky...I had an inheritance & I managed my money well. I will tell guys that I rent.

I'm 38 & loook younger than that & have met younger guys who don't seem to be bothered my it.

I think it's ok...hey if someone is that fixated ona number (age) you wouldn't want to be with them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 10:56am
If I were on the receiving end of this deception and I found out, then I would always be wondering what else you'd be willing to lie about. Bye bye trust, bye bye healthy relationship.....

Michelle

Fill with mingled cream and amber,
I will drain that glass again.
Such hilarious vis

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 11:39am
Let me ask you this, Ash. What was it your ex husband did to you so that you got into the mess you did? Oh, that's right...he LIED!

I know you know the answer to this question!

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 11:41am
It's not about being fixated on anything, it's about telling the truth! If a guy is fixated on a number (her real age), then she shouldn't be bothered by him. The guy who dumps her b/c she lied- well, that's a guy with character.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 9:31pm
Oh, my lordy, no, that is NOT a "tiny fib" and if someone lied to me about his age (even by ONE year, let alone 10% of his age!!!!), I'd be out the door in a flash.

To me, it's a character/integrity issue. Someone who's willing to lie about the small things will find it a small stretch to lie about the big things.

The only justification for lying is to spare someone ELSE'S feelings, and even then, it's preferable to be as truthful as you can be without hurting the other person's feelings. Lying to benefit yourself is just not ethical, no matter what the subject.

I'm frankly a bit surprised at you Ash! Given what happened to you, I would think that honesty would be a top priority. I'm not saying this to bash you, I'm just really curious.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 11:35pm
<>

What?!?!?

What exactly do you want him to understand and/or accept? The fact that you lie? I didn't realize that lying becomes acceptable once you reach your 40s. If a man lied to me about his age on the first date that would be the last date. If he is so insecure about his age that he would lie about it, I don't want him anyway. I mean really...why would I believe anything else he said after that?

jhooover

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 8:58am
Wow! That was quite a response--mostly b/c it was almost a unanimous NO.

However, this is my thinking: past 45--and especially 50 and beyond--the dating pool does shrink a LOT. That's no exaggeration either; having "trolled the ads" for over a decade before marrying, and from my own experience, and that of others who were older than I, we've all come to observe this. So I was looking to "throw a wider net," if you will.

I'd never quite thought of it like that, but yes, perhaps I don't want a serious r'ship and so don't attach the moral consideration to the "tiny fib." I've always felt that any guy I met, there or anywhere else, was lying to me about SOMEthing anyway, so turnabout is fair play. Alas, I've learned that, more often than not, I was right on that score. Those too were also "tiny fibs," or were so relatively speaking. A guy I met who said he was a physical therapist was actually a massage technician. The same, but different--but I can see where he too was looking to "sell" himself to a definitive class of woman.

Indeed, XH lied to me, and that's why I divorced him. Perhaps I'm "splitting hairs" by saying 1 lie is lesser than another, but true enough, there's an issue of integrity here. Still, what I've learned has been that playing "good scout" hasn't gotten me any points, so why not shave those years off my age and give myself a bigger pool to fish in?

Actually, I think it's a game peculiar to women, especially those of us who want a Committed R'ship. The fact is that there really AREN'T that many worthwhile men out there for all of us who don't have some form of permanent baggage attached to them, and the older you get, the smaller that "pool" of eligible and/or desirable men becomes. I think some of the topics on this and other, related boards bear that out.

As a result, there may NOT be a man out there for all of us, and I'm probably one of them. Not b/c I'm so special (or even so "old"), but b/c more often than not, I've encountered competitiveness and not a lot of resentment for what I've achieved and/or overcome (nevermind that it took WORK), and therefore come to expect from a man I'd want to share my life w/. Not every man we encounter is so enamored of expending that effort--or they'd sooner allow a woman do it for them. My therapist has told me of many women patients she has who literally "saved" their BFs/Hs (or exes of same) when they got together; it was the WOMEN who were the "knights on the white horses," not the guys--and some of them were perfectly willing to LET them do it. Is it fair? Well, I'd expect from a man what I myself am willing to do (or NOT do).

So when you apply the "numbers" (ie, age), the ratio of men who want a younger woman is going to be much greater than those who want an older woman, or one closer to their own age. (And let's not forget that a younger woman is easier to fool than an older one who's been "around the turf," IF that man is so inclined; I'm not saying they ALL will be so.) Hence, you'll find more "numbers" at age 44 than at 49 or beyond--or that's my theory.

Anyway, it's a moot point for me right now--I can hardly walk from the parking lot to my office as it is--but I do appreciate the "food for thought." As for what I'll do--I'll share when the moment arrives!

Ash

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