Do you see it happening?

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Do you see it happening?
33
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 11:09pm

I kinda realized today....I can't actually picture "it" happening for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 2:45pm
I definately know that you aren't the type to wait around for a guy so hopefully with my post didn't imply that. I know you were just expressing a thought and that's it, and wondering what others thought about things. I do tend to give a lot of advice/support etc etc but sometimes it's not what the poster is looking for.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 8:26pm

Thank you, TG.

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Registered: 04-25-2004
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 9:41pm

Sometimes I do think it will happen, other times I get that sinking feeling that I'm just not the right "type" for a lot of men. I think that way because a good number of my relationships, from college forward, have ended with, "you're really great but..." but they are in love with someone else, but they don't feel the right connection, but they don't want to get married. I almost feel as if I'm becoming resigned to the idea of just always being the "really great, but no thanks" girl. That's why a few days ago I posted a message about feeling uncomfortable at work with all of the married people. It's like all of the women there at some point were told, "yes, you're exactly right for me" and that's why they're married with kids. I know it's not a good way to read into the situation and all, but it's as if I'm surrounded by all of these people who found someone who said to them, "you're just right and I'll stick by you and you're worth my time." I never really felt that from a man I wanted and it leaves a real empty feeling inside of me.

So many of my relationships have left me only feeling worse about myself. I have no idea what it's like to really trust in someone, in a future with them, to have a feeling of stability and that the man I'm with has my best interests at heart, not just his won.

I don't know what's going to happen in my life but I think that I have to expand my horizons by moving out of state at some point because my personal life here is just not panning out and I've given it a real honest try. There's a part of me that feels if I stay in the city forever I'm definitely going to end up all alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 11:01am

I don't think it'll happen for me either. I just can't picture it. Partly because I can't find a man that is actually emotionally ready and willing or who wants a real relationship.

Its been 3 years now of constant dating. Not one yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 10:48pm

Wow, Nancy, I have to say your post hase realy resonated with me and i feel the exact same way. People often ask me when finding someone is so important and why its sucja big deal. Truth is to corss paths with someone who otherwise does not have any other need to be apart of my life, stay, learn about me, experience my world and decide that I am the one, the love they didn't even know they were looking for; to be invited into their world and life, for good, is an incredibly, wonderful and honorable thing to me. More sacrad than money and material possessions and I'd be so honored to recieve someone's love like that. It's not about having someone to sleep with and spend holidays with and Friday nights with, its about having truly accept me into their heart which is an amazing thing to me.

I also look at people who have found love as the 'chosen ones'. People who possesed something special that made someone fall in love with them. Me having not found that yet 3 years after my last breakup makes me feel rejected and dejected and that I don't really have anything special that anyone else can see. That doesn't make it true but it sure feels that way when you contiually hear "you're great but...", which I hear all the time.

I don't know what else to say except thanks for your honestly. I also feellike if I want this to happen, I may also need to relocate and start anew in a new city as i keep running into anti-love, anti-relationship men.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 9:51am

I have been reading some of these posts and now felt the urge to reply. Don't feel as if you HAVE to have someone in your life (because that's the impression I'm getting here, but I know it it not that) just to be happy at some point.


I know 2 people, both friends, who were on a mission to get married. One would end up living with each guy she dated. The relationship would be great, and then fizzle for one reason or another. She found her Mr. Right, got married, had a son, followed a few years later by twins (they will be 1 in August). She has since left her Mr. Right because he showed his butt in times of stress, and she left him for hers and the kids' sake. It became a safety issue. So now she has 3 children, no job, no child support and if it weren't for her parents she'd be in a REAL pickle.


I can't help but wonder that if had she waited, someone would have come along that "stuck".


I had my life all mapped out as a single person. I wasn't going to date anyone after the Ex, and I was going to adopt a baby girl from China when I turned 40 and be a single parent. Then Mr. Pooh showed up and upset my plans. He also gave me better ones.


Basically, like twoscoops said, be content with what you have. Someone else's grass may be greener, but they have higher water bills.



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Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 10:31am

Pooh, it's not about what we feel like we have to have.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 9:02am

'.. be content with what you have'

Apologies but in most cases where someone desperately wants and needs something that is missing from their lives this is simply impossible to do. You cannot be 'content' as a single person when each cell of your body is crying out for a partner to love and to share live with. I barely even lived when single - I knew myself well enough to know that no amount of girls' nights out and book clubs and movies and drinks with work colleagues would ever come close to having a loving and loved partner. I didn't deceive myself ( or others) by claiming to be perfectly happy single. I hated every miserable second of it (about a year) and refused to accept it and be content with it. I made some major changes in my life and met my bf literally 10 days later. Had I not made the changes I am referring to, he would have become one of those 'you are great but..' men who dissapear and of whom I've had my share.. We have now been together for over 3 years, living together since December last year and..I'll stop here not to jinx.

My bottom line is, being content with not having what you NEED to have to live the life you want to live is sticking your head in the sand and hoping that the problem will either go away or sort itself out. If you don't have a job, do you say to yourself: well, I will just be patient and wait till one comes along? Nope, you go out and look for one. Wanting a partner and having to make an effort to look for one is no different.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 9:58am

Couldn't have said it better myself! By the way, what changes did you wind up making in your life? (If you don't mind sharing.)

YG

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 10:49am


Ok, I am ready to be flamed for this, but you have asked, so I will answer your question (disclamer: applies to this particular situation and may not be relevant for many others): I've been doing all I could to pair myself up with someone I felt things for, and failed time after time after time, and then decided to simply: 1 - loose over 35lb and 2 - get some vital dental work done. It was as simple as that. Really. I am not saying that all of my personal disasters were due to these two things. But I am absolutely convinced that if I just sat on my backside reading books about how to love being singe and told anywone who would listen 'he has to want me just how I am', I'd still be single to this day. My bf would have gone out with me a few times (if that) and then did the 'you are great but..' speech. And I would be left cursing all men on the planet and agonising and wondering why. Sometimes it is as simple as that. Luck comes into it BIG time, absolutely. But luck alone isn't always enough. I am convinced that 'nothing changes if nothing changes'. This is only my humble opinion and again as I said, applies to MY situation.

Anyway, thanks for your post...