Do you think this request is reasonable?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Do you think this request is reasonable?
Sun, 06-08-2014 - 11:16pm

I have a friend who just started seeing this guy  long distance (about 5-6 hour drive).  He is from the area that she grew up in and her uncle & aunt actually introduced them.  They are late 50's.  So they met I think in April because then he came to visit her (with his grown kids, which is another story) on Mother's Day weekend.  Then I think she visited him one more time.  They have decided to be exclusive.  Since I haven't seen my friend in about a month, I was dying to hear how things were going with this guy, so we were talking this weekend.  She was saying many positive things about him, how they got along so well, easy to talk to, etc.  Plus he's handsome.  So everything was sounding good until I asked her why she hadn't come to our school's monthly dance on Sat night and she said "oh well he doesn't want me dancing with other men.  I'd probably feel the same way about him doing that"--but of course this is a guy who doesn't know how to dance but is interested in learning with my friend so he is not really giving up anything.  My friend has been taking ballroom lessons for over 2 yrs and was even going to do a performance with the teacher.

Now my first reaction was that if a guy told me to do that, I would wonder why he didn't trust me.  I have to explain that we aren't talking about regular nightclub drunken guys who might grope you and want to pick up women for sex, or even a singles dance.  I do think it would be odd for someone in a relationship to be going to a singles dance where the object is to meet someone to date.  We are talking about ballroom or swing dances where there is no alcohol served and the most important thing is whether you can dance, not what you look like or how old you are.  Some of the guys that my friend dances with regularly are very old and some are good friends but not interested in her.  In fact the only guy I have known who has ever tried to ask her out was an African American guy who is about 20 yrs younger than her and she just laughed him off cause he was like her kids' age.  My feeling is that there are people of the opposite sex all over and if someone wants to cheat, they are going to do that and if someone is in love with you and doesn't want to cheat, it doesn't matter where they are or how many cute guys are around, they just won't do it.  

I guess I am upset for 2 reasons--one is that I know my friend loves dancing more than almost any other activity (except maybe going to church) so to ask her to give it up (apparently she can't even take lessons any more) seems to be inconsiderate if he really knew how much she loves it.  The second is a selfish reason on my part.  I know if she ends up marrying this guy, she will move and we will never see her again--yeah, I know people can stay in touch but realistically I know we might send some emails but that will be it.  So I feel like I am already losing a friend.  Most of our weekend activity is going out dancing.  She doesn't like to go out to bars anyway (which I don't do that much unless there is a good band--but I guess this will be banned too since there are men there).  I like going out to movies also but for some reason she has never come with me so basically I guess that leaves the occasional dinner or something.  My group of friends generally doesn't shop together.  I would certainly be open to doing other things if they came up but I feel like she is going to be one of those women who is just going to center her whole life around this guy now even though she has only known him 2 months--because she really really really wants to get married and is someone who won't have sex without being married, so I can even see this happening pretty quickly. :(  Yes I know I am supposed to be happy for her so I'll try to be mature about it.  I guess in our group I was close to her and now our other friend even said "I guess she dropped you like a hot potato" when this guy came along.