Don't You Love It When . . .

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Don't You Love It When . . .
13
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 10:19pm

. . . you are all set for a good sulk but then that always rational inner voice starts chattering inside of your head, telling you that you don't deserve to sit around feeling sorry for yourself?  LOL.

We had a large family gathering tonight and met my brother's new GF for the first "official" time.  She's perfect.  No, seriously, there is nothing wrong with her.  She's like a size 2, she's incredibly sweet, drives a BMW is a successful competitive ballroom dancer and business manager (she actually runs five businesses).  Plus, she is helping raise her two nieces, one of whom, has a disability.   

I'm not perfect, I have my flaws, trust me but why is it that my brother gets to have two daughters, a 20 year marriage, then turn around and have this fabulous new relationship, post divorce.  I'm not jealous, don't get me wrong.  I'm quite happy for him.  I just can't believe that here, I've not had any of this, ever, and it seems to be coming around a second time for him.  It's hard not to ask myself why. 

Then that d*mn voice starts in on me.  Well, you don't do this and you don't do that . . . you could be doing more of this and  more of that . . . stop feeling sorry for yourself.  The thing is, I know the voice is right but I still don't want to hear it.  Nor do I want to ring up a friend and cry on their shoulders because I know they'd say the same things.  "You could have X, Y and Z if you would just fill in the blanks, you know you could!" 

Do you ever wallow or do you also have an irritating inner voice?

 

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Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 10:38pm
My voice just tells me there's obviously something wrong with me since I don't have those things and everyone else seems to get them easily (except us here). If only I lost 15 pounds, or were nicer, or bitchier, or more demanding, or less demanding, or... On and on.
Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 10:51pm
See? My voice doesn't do that . . . My voice tells me that I'll be fine, that I have my health, my friends, family or that it could be much, much worse oh and, that I'm just experiencing the grass is always greener phenomenon . . . that all those coupled up people w/ kids aren't really all that happy anyway. I'm not even allowed to cry . . . Can we trade?
Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 11:03pm
I think most of the reason why my voice says those things is because actual people have told me those things. Not necessarily in those words, but when a coworker comments on a person's weight or my mom talks about how much my older sister has gained, it's like they're talking about me. And when people give advice here, I hear them talking about me even if they aren't posting to or about me. It's like I only hear the negative things around me and apply them to myself regardless of if it fits. I think...well, that could be me. I try to keep an outward positive attitude, but my inner voice is almost always negative.
Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 8:15am

You sound pretty healthy to me. I have sought out therapy a number of times in my life, partly to figure out "what's wrong with me." I thought for years if I could just find this elusive flaw, I could fix it then life would be good. But you know what? I think our culture beats it into women that there is something wrong with them and that they need to fix it in order to be happy. I think this feeling of being flawed is especially hoisted upon single women, and upon women without children. This is not to say that there are women who do have things that "need fixining" but I don't think you are one of them.

I too have a hard time wallowing, unlike in my past. However, I have my various therapists' voices in my head. One of the best therapists I ever had was a big believer in cognitive-behavioral therapy. She felt it was best to put a time limit on wallowing, like an hour. Go ahead, wallow and wail for an hour, then you have to do something else, could be anything. She said it was OK to sometimes take a whole day if you really needed to.

I'm not so sure that there is much you can "do" in order to meet a man. Yes, of course you can do online dating and meet ups and blah blah blah. Hey, and there plenty of us out there "doing" just that, but it's no magic bullet. I think all of the "doing" can become rote, when what you really want is meaning and connection.

I think you might get something out of the work of Brene Brown right about now. She's just written a new book called Daring Greatly. And she's a great Texas gal, you'll like her. 

And I'll bet Miss Size 2 BMW ain't all that perfect.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 9:06am

I have these moments too, just the story is different.  My daughter and her husband came into town this weekend and I was alloted a whole hour just to be informed that they are going to India for Thanksgiving and won't be back for Christmas.  I spent my life making sure they had the best holidays,  I guess divorce does this but I look at other families and they make an effort to keep holidays intact.  So I always feel like I failed miserably when we get together and it takes a day or two to get back on tract.  I really feel bad when one of my friends call when I'm having one of those days. 

 

 

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 9:11am

Thanks for your vote of confidence but sometimes I just want to cry it out.  The tears won't come. 

I definitely don't think there's as much of a stigma attached to single, 40-something men.  Men get away with a lot more than we do . . . being overweight, b*tchiness, robbing the cradle, being overtly sexual.  It's no wonder they get a pass on this as well.  I wonder if this is something women have imposed upon ourselves, to be fair.  The social stigma, I am referring to . . . not that it really matters because it definitely exists.  Maybe by the time my youngest niece is my age, she won't feel as much pressure to conform.  I hope that's the case.     

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 9:17am
That has to be difficult. I hope you won't be completely alone for the holidays.

My brothers girls take T-giving with their Mom and Xmas with our family. That's the way it had been throughout their marriage though because her parents lived a couple of hours away. Thankfully we are used to it.

I can't imagine being a parent, sometimes. I'm just an aunt and It's hard enough watching them grow up and become so independent.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 11:05am

I think that's always been true.  Just look at the old words--"spinster" for a never married woman--you just think of someone dried up, unpleasant, non-sexual while "bachelor" is carefree, fun, maybe having too many women to settle down with just one.  Of course it could be that the guys who are 40 or 50 never got married because there is something big wrong with them too.  But I know a couple of middle aged guys who never got married & it doesn't seem like they are sitting around worrying about it all the time--they have jobs, own their own homes & basically just do what they want.  If they want to travel alone, they do it--they don't worry about what people will think.  If they want to go to a bar & have a few beers & watch baseball, that's considered fine.  If I did it, I'd feel self conscious, like why is that woman at a bar alone?  Is she looking for a guy to pick her up?  I know a few men who will go to the local dance place for middle aged people alone and of course they meet women there & dance.  I'd be too scared to go there totally alone (I mean without a friend for support).

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 5:09pm

I'm done with trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I see plenty of women with plenty of things wrong with them who get men (that I wouldn't mind having) all the time. I really think luck has a lot to do with it.  YOu can say that you create the luck by doing things, i.e. going out more, get online, get involved in activities, any number of things people have found to work for them. I've read plenty of books on the subject ad nauseum. It appeared you did too.

I do see the value of CBT. It's hard to pull yourself up by the bootstrap. I did mention in another post, medicine may help you gain some energy and feel better so you have the engergy to do the CBT for yourself. At this time, I'm doing a bit of CBT, by not doing things that are harmful to me emotionally i.e. comparing myself to other women, feeling sorry for myself. Instead do things for fun. I know fun does not equal happiness. But, it does prevent me from wallowing. As with any habit, the longer you stay away, the more likely it is to go away. Now, along with stopping myself from negative self-talk, I also do more things. I'm fortunate I'm blessed with good health, can afford the gas, and recently become involved with a group of friends that occupy my friday night. The rest of the weekend, I usually work one day. the remaining day, easily occupied with a meetup activity. when I'm tired of that there's always shopping or other friends I can visit with.

What I need to work on is to be happy and content alone. It feels as if I need to have somebody around all the time, even when I'm doing things around the house. That's why I don't do things around the house b/c I'm not motivated by myself.

I'm tired of doing things with the purpose of meeting men. I don't have much luck with men so whatever I do will make me feel even worse. It feels as if these activities are like competion, with my luck, I always come out on the loosing end.

Oh, and BMW's are overated :smileyhappy:

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 4:14pm

I think you made a good point about doing activities w/o the purpose of meeting men.  If I just go out to have a good time, then it's all good.  Yesterday I had a meetup lunch in the city and it turned out to be 6 women--not that men couldn't have come, just that they didn't.  In a way it was better cause it was relaxed, people were talking about their kids, their jobs, etc.  So I met some nice new women, had a good lunch, it was a nice day out, etc.  I've gone to dinner meetups with a mixed group (but mostly women) and didn't care.  In fact that last dinner I went to it happened to be a large group, like 18 people.  Since we were all sitting at a long table,  you couldn't really talk to the people at the other end.  I just happened to be surrounded by women except the one man who came late sat at the end.  Believe me, I was enjoying myself talking to the women--the man happened to be so boring and full of himself.  So normally as long as I'm doing something I don't care.  Unfortunately one of my favorite activities is ballroom dancing--you have to have a partner for that.  Tonight I'm going to a dance and I know if there aren't many men there or the ones who are there ask other women to dance more than me, it will bother me.  I haven't reached that stage yet where I am totally ok with being single.  When I hear about other women's success with men, I feel jealous, even if I'm happy for the particular woman, I still think why not me?  I think some people are just happier being alone so for them maybe it doesn't bother them.  I don't need a partner all the time but it just would be nice to have some male companionship & affection sometimes.

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