eHarmony...what a waste!

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
eHarmony...what a waste!
Thu, 04-03-2014 - 4:25pm

I think that ultimately, success in the OLD world depends a lot on the demographics of your area, and who has actually signed up. Pretty much every single guy eH has sent me comes with the caveat "James is a great guy who happens to be outside your settings." Well, what does that mean? Many of my "matches" are from other cities (also outside of my settings). Am I that big of a freak that there aren't men on the site that are a match for me?

I did start the question process with one of the guys who contacted me on the first day. I didn't really feel anything looking at his photos or reading his profile, and I didn't notice that he was yet another who was "outside my settings." I had thought he was "inside my settings." But I thought, "Well, if eHarmony thinks we're such a great match, OK" plus I wanted to see how the process works. One of the excercises is to choose items from a list "Relationship dealbreakers" and it lists things like "lying" and "financially irresponsible". Well duh. Who wouldn't find that to be a deal breaker? By the time we got to "open communication" (we can write anything we want to) I felt no closer to knowing anything about this guy than in the beginning. Plus, the profiles on eHarmony are very structured and not nearly detailed enough.

I never thought I'd say it, but is way better. Even though it's sort of the wild west, at least you get a better sense--both good and bad--of who the guy is.

I stopped corresponding with the guy, I'm just not very interested. I'd love to cancel, but I can't. I'm on the hook for the whole six months. In addition, they rig it so you can only cancel the auto-renew in a very specific window of time. They really want to trick you into auto-renewal. I've read some really bad things about their customer service. So, my advice to anyone thinking of trying it is to wait for a free weekend, or a really, really good deal.

I know there are many people who have met on eHarmony, maybe even some of you. What has been your experience?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 04-03-2014 - 11:17pm

Well you already know that I thought it was a huge disappointment and I also think that match is better.  I think that when people can just write whatever they want in their profile instead of just answering a few canned questions, you get a much better sense of who they are.  I also didn't like sending someone pre-written questions.  When you say what are the demographics, think about this--I live 15 miles outside of Boston--on match, in my age group and location (w/in 25 miles) there were literally 800-1000 men to pick from--of course not all of them were compatible, but I'd rather start with the big group and then exclude people.  I don't assume, for example, that I'd only want to date college grads.  So if the problem with match was that there were almost too many profiles to search through (and there are also many on POF or OKCupid), then why could EH only find a few guys before they also went "outside" the boundaries--and the big ones for me were age & location?

The only people I know who met (& got married) through EH were my cousin's DD & her DH--they were in their 20's and also lived in a pretty big city.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Fri, 04-04-2014 - 2:01am

I tried eHarmony too when I was single. I also found it to be a waste. Yes, the ostensibly scientific matching sounds good initially, but there are more variables eHarmony doesn't take in account. For instance, the site didn't distinguish between Reform and Orthodox Jews--a humungous difference in lifestyle and phiosophy. Also, I recall not being able to see the photos of women I was matched up with. I am not overly fussy about appearance, but I did need to be physically attracted to a woman to want to follow through.

BTW, my best results in online dating weren't from any general interest sites, but from websites that catered to a specific niche group.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Fri, 04-04-2014 - 8:48am

Yeah, Music, I know you hated eHarmony. My thought was since I hadn't tried that pool of men yet, and it has a reputation for more relationship-minded men, that perhaps my luck would change. And who knows? Maybe it will. I'm stuck with it now for 6 months. But I agree--why so few men when match has so many? Of course, match has many unsuitable (for me) men but I'm not thrilled with all these "just outside my settings" men either. They're just the guys that I wouldn't have responded to on match. Oh well, it's not like it's a fortune I've had to pay.

I am seriously considering firing up match again. Despite not meeting "the one", it really is the only way I have met men in the last five years. The only dates I have had were from match. And trust me, I'm not sitting home eating chocolates and hugging my cats.

I haven't paid yet, but I've already updated my profile and added a new photo. It's hilarious, because I'm already getting all these emails saying "Someone liked your photo!" and "Someone just emailed you! Find out who!" I'm kind of hoping match will offer me a discount. But again, it's not like it's a lot of money (cheaper than eHamony!)

One good thing about having done OLD for a long time is that I already know what to expect. Been there, done that, got the weird emails and gross photos.

Stay tuned for the hilarity that will surely follow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 04-04-2014 - 3:43pm

I think if I tried it again, I'd just put my profile up there for a month and see if anyone contacted me.  Although who am I kidding?  I'd be too tempted to read all the new profiles and contact someone and then I'd feel bad about someone not contacting me back.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Fri, 04-04-2014 - 8:19pm
I did a "free communication weekend" several years ago. I went through the personality quiz, only to find out that apparently, only 3% of men like women like me. Awesome. I really don't think I could ever go back online.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2014
Sat, 04-05-2014 - 8:46am

Oh my yes! I joined EHarmony and every match they send me is "Outside My Settings."  I find that I am not liking the communication process either.  I joined about a year ago, and I've had no luck on finding anyone.  I'm starting to wonder if internet dating really isn't for me. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2001
Sat, 04-05-2014 - 9:10am

I am currently on eHarmony and we know that my one date led to late-night frat texting from a 46 year old man.  All of the men sent to me are outside of my settings. I am guessing that it is because I state "I want children" and they state they "might want children". Some are from states hundreds of miles from me.

I had a lot of men interested the week I joined and I whittled them down and now I have barely any people sending me messages. I guess they match you with more people at the beginning and less as the membership continues.

I am busy at college so their slow communication process works for me. They seem less apt to ask for dates on this site.

The reason why you aren't seeing photos of folks is when you are on the free communication weekend or they are. The photos are never included.

I tried Chemistry which was dreadful, and I have tried Match but there were people even in my large city who recognized me - so I could not even keep that private. I had guys from the gym I go to contacting me!!

Florida - we will have to share our tales of eHarmony. I got a deal for 3 months for like $9.00 per month.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Sat, 04-05-2014 - 10:40am

E-Harmony was the worst site I tried when single and was twice as expensive. One guy only had a small photo and he didn't look appealing. The main thing he wrote about was his deceased wife, so I don't know why he was attempting to date when it was clear noone would measure up to her. Another outside of my settings was a nudist. I met my husband on Yahoo, although I don't think that site is any better than the rest. It was just luck that he and I were both on the site at the same time and are decent, long term monogamous minded people who had chemistry. Had to sift through a lot of sand before finding the treasure.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sat, 04-05-2014 - 12:36pm

Well, I wish I had waited for the discount. I did join again, and I got a 25% discount. I had made some changes to my profile and uploaded a new photo, but didn't pay. Sure enough, by the end of the day, the discount offer came in. So, just a little advice to those thinking of joining. I imagine eHamrony would do the same thing, and with my experience so far, I'd advise paying very little for it.

I never did have a lot of faith in the whole "29 Dimenions" thing, although in theory, it sounds like a great idea. But here's the thing: people don't always answer questions honestly. I don't think some of them are intentionally trying to seem better than they are, but I'll bet a lot of them are. Like one of the questions was "How important is sex in your relationship?" I'll bet there are a lot of people who don't feel it's very important, but would be afraid to answer that way. 

But none of that can really predict if you will be attracted to one another. It can all seem great on paper, but when you meet, despite your 29 Dimensions matching up, it could be a big bust. I think attraction is a pretty mysterious thing, actually.

The experiment continues.