Emailing an ex from years ago

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2012
Emailing an ex from years ago
8
Mon, 06-24-2013 - 9:10pm

I know the answer is not to do it. And I know I'm not *really* going to do it. But I just need some rational women to give me more reasons why I shouldn't do it because these forums always help me stay strong :)

So I dated this guy back when I was 23. He was perfect in every way, but I kept breaking up with him because I felt he was too good for me. He kept fighting for me. We were only together for 5 months, but it was an intense relationship. Finally he had enough and the last time I broke up with him, he didn't want me back. 2 months later he started dating someone else. In the months following our breakup, I messaged him once in a while, and finally he reponded saying "don't message me" and blocked me on facebook. This was almost 3 years ago - I believe he is still with that girl. 

I've been in 1 serious long term relationship since then. I've also dated several guys in between. I've never been able to forget him though. Even though I don't believe in soulmates, no other guy ever made me stop in my tracks the way he did - even to this day, I know if he walks into a room, I won't be able to breathe. Don't get me wrong, I am totally functional and don't spend everyday moping. I'm just saying I haven't found anyone who has yet to make me feel the way he made me feel. And I so badly want to experience that feeling again. 

So the question is, lately, I've been having thoughts about emailing him - to find out if he is single and if he would be interested in talking. I wouldn't dream of talking to him if he's still with his girl. I just want to test the waters I guess. I am not the same person I was 3 years ago and a part of me wonders if things would be different if I met him today, and not 3 years ago when I was so insecure about being in a relationship. 

Emailing him would most probably be a home wrecker move, no? Especially when I'm 90% sure he's with that girl? What do you think? So ladies - tell me what I already know.... Please don't be mean. :(

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Mon, 06-24-2013 - 9:52pm

I had an ex email me out of the blue about two years after we broke up. It took me a long time to get over him. I had just gotten to where I wasn't really thinking about him. Getting that email tore me up. It brought back every hurt feeling he caused when he broke up with me (then wanted me back, then broke up again, then wanted me back...). Then he revealed he was married- to the girl he dated immediately after me- and that was like he'd ripped my heart out all over again. I cried a lot that day. Why would you want to do that to someone else?  Leave him alone. You'll just end up causing more hurt. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Mon, 06-24-2013 - 10:49pm

I agree with Shywon. I dated a guy for a year. He broke up with me, which devastated me, even though I knew we were incompatible in every way possible. When I got distance from the relationship, I was glad he ended it, but it still took me a while to get over him. Six months later, he texted me, which really pissed me off. How dare he intrude in my life? It's like I had to start the grieving process all over again.

I don't believe in a person having only one soulmate. There are an unlimited number of people who you can feel chemistry with and share the same life goals with. No, they don't drop in your lap everyday. You basically have to date a boatload of men before you find the right one. Continue dating and cutting loose guys if you feel you're settling. People who aren't happy in their present usually look to the past for their happiness because the future doesn't exist yet. Put a stop to your thoughts of this guy from your past. Delete photos. Delete his contact info. He has moved on and you need to as well. You won't be able to emotionally connect to your future Mr. Right until you let go. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 06-25-2013 - 3:48pm

The guy told you not to contact him, he blocked you and he's probably still with the girlfriend.  what do you think the chances are that he wants to hear from you?  I'd say between slim & none.  Sometimes it happens that the person you think would be so great for you doesn't feel the same way & you just have to get over it & move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Tue, 06-25-2013 - 7:56pm

I agree with other two ladies.  Don't do it!

Let me tell you a true story.  Once upon a time I had an exboyfriend who was notorious (all the time) for popping in and out of my life.  It's like he had radar.  He knew when things were going good in my life and when I had moved on.  I hated when he'd do that to me.  I finally told him to leave me the F alone.  

Honey, leave the guy alone.  He's not the only one out there.  The more you dwell on this, the more it will eat you alive.  Find something to occupy your time.  Do something that takes your mind off of him.  Regardless if he's still with this girl or not, don't reach out to him.  Especially when he told you prior to not email him anymore. There's other avenues out there for you to explore.  Please don't spend your energy trying to rekindle what is no longer there.  

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Tue, 06-25-2013 - 9:11pm

Can't relive the past my dear, that's what memories are for ;)  Now, go out and make some new ones :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2012
Sat, 07-13-2013 - 7:45pm
Thanks for the reply, everyone. I am seeing other people... and I don't try to compare anyone with him at all - but at the end of the day, the regret of not working it out with him kills me... and to make things worse, like I mentioned, I've never come across anyone who makes me feel the way he does. He sort of set the bar. I tried to ignore it for the past 3 years saying there are plenty of eligible men out there, but somehow it's been worse than ever over the past few months. I know I sound foolish.... I found out that he is recently single. He lives on the other side of the country from me... I know your advice was that whether he's single or not, I should just move on.... do you think maybe, just maybe I should give it one last shot? He has't been single since we broke up.... what if I waited a couple of months (to make sure things really are over between him and his ex) and send him a linkedIn add to test the waters? We work in the same industry...
Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 07-14-2013 - 12:24pm

The only problem with doing so is, you could be the rebound if he is feeling a little bruised from the recent break-up.  On the other hand, if it's going to eat at you, I don't really see the harm other than the potential that you could get hurt.  Although, that is a risk with any relationship.  

Sorry, one more thing:  I didn't go over your original post again, but didn't you indicate that he asked you not to contact him any longer?  I may have you confused with someone else, but if that is the case, I would recommend that you respect his wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2012
Sun, 07-14-2013 - 8:53pm
Yes he did ask me not to contact him. But that might have been because he was with his then gf. Around the same time, she had also made some public posts online calling me crazy and how I should stay away from his man (even though I've never met her, and all I've done was send him at most 4 or 5 late night drunk text messages right after me and him broke up, which was when he started seeing her as well). But long story short, I don't think the reason he asked me not to contact him because I was hurting his feelings.... I don't think he was as burnt about the breakup as I was. I'll wait a few months and see if I change my mind before contacting him. Plus I don't want to come across like I was waiting for them to breakup...