Ending it before it starts

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2005
Ending it before it starts
4
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 5:56pm

I met this guy on New Year's eve- we spent the night together. He called and we've now been on 2 dates. I told him I don't want to have sex again for awhile and would like to take it slow (we discussed this on the first date).

The 2nd date last Saturday went okay-still great chemistry there and I'm getting to know him better. I like him, but am wondering how much he really likes me. Our date ended quickly because we both realized it was almost 8 o'clock- he had a hockey game he had to play in at 8. So he called a friend and had to run to the game. I asked if he wanted to do something after his game- to which he said he thought he would just go home.

I asked then if what his schedule was like for next week- his reply? "I'm a fly by the seat of my pants kind of guy." Wow, i just looked at him and didn't know what to say. I felt totally dismissed by that comment. He looked concerned and then said "you like to plan and organize things don't you." And I said "well, not organize, but yes i do like plans."
He then said he had Wednesday and Thursday off and wanted to do something then and would call me. I said ok and i'll talk to him then.

My feelings right now? I don't want someone who thinks he can call me on the same day he wants to see me. I want someone who actually wants to be with me. If he calls this week, I plan on telling him that. Or, should I arrange to do something with him and then talk to him in person about how i'm feeling? Any advice? I haven't been in the "first dates" stage in a long time (ended a 4 year relationship about 5 months ago) so I'm not sure how to communicate things.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 11:34pm

The two of you obviously have different styles: you're a planner, he's not. He's obviously run into this before as an issue from his comment.

It doesn't mean he doesn't like you or want to be with you...it's just how he is. He's unlikely to change...he might be able to compromise a bit and you might compromise a bit...but he's not going to all of a sudden turn into a planner. If that's important to you, then he's not a good match for you.

If you do decide to see him again, I would definitely talk about it in person, but I'd acknowledge that you have different styles and see if there's room for compromise, rather than making him feel bad or wrong for being different from you.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 12:45am
Not to be harsh, but maybe he was after a New Year's fling rather than a relationship and now he's backing away from the situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 9:07am

It has been my experience that even the most spontaneuous person will be willing to plan a date with someone he/she truly wants to be with.

That said, the bottom line is you two are handling this differently and it's up to you to decide what you're willing to live with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2005
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 9:58am

Thanks! I think what you said was exactly what I was trying to tell myself and exactly how I want to handle this situation.

Last night I was talking to the girl that introduced us and she said that her boyfriend (who is close friends with this guy) commented that "he always messes things up and if he's not careful he'll mess this up too." So I think he has had some problems with the communication thing in the past (which isn't uncommon).

Anyway, I do plan on talking to him about what his expectations are in this "relationship." I know he's a lot shyer than me- he did say the other day when I was asking him what he looks for in a woman, that because he is shy he wants a woman who is more outgoing than him. So well, ha, he's got that in me for sure. I think if he calls I'll see if a date gets made and then when we see eachother we'll talk about these things that are bothering me. Maybe he has some things that are bothering him also and yes, there is always room for compromise.