Envy/bitter/jealous/sad
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| Fri, 06-01-2007 - 11:02am |
I'm sure we all experience some form or another of those above feelings, and others, when we are sitting here, wondering if/when we are going to meet some great guy, and hearing about our friends or other people we know, some that have been single for a while and they meet someone amazing, or those others that we can't help but kind of hate sometimes, who seem to go from one relationship to the next, or have a few guys to choose from.
I try not to harbor any bad feelings, I try to be genuinely happy for them, but deep down, there is always that nagging feeling of "why isn't it happening for me?" and "what am I doing wrong or not doing that is making me unapproachable or unattractive or just not interesting enough to the opposite sex".
I can't remember the last time I was approached by a guy. Granted, I've spent the last several months exuding this unavailable vibe because I kind of was unavailable but I want someone in my life, I am open to the idea of someone in my life, so what gives? I have pursued guys for so long and I'm done, I want a guy to chase me for once, I want to meet a guy that isn't from online, I want a guy to tell me how he feels about me before I say it to him, and just once, I would like to be that girl that gets envied by her friends because they have this awesome boyfriend. I guess that's a tall order though.




All I can say is, "me too." :)
I have been pleasantly surprised lately, though. I was on a six-month hiatus from dating, and needed it. Since I decided I was ready to date again, I have met three guys at different places in the **real world.** (Like you, I really want to avoid the online thing for now). I've had casual first dates with two of them -- one alreay ghosted, and that's a bummer.
My point is that I do think there's something to that "vibe" you mentioned. When you put out the unavailable vibe, I think people pick up on it. When I made the conscious decision to start dating again, I think I started putting out the available vibe or something. For me, it also takes a conscious effort to make eye contact, smile, etc. I can be in my own little world a lot, and it's hard for guys to break into that if I don't give them an open door of some sort.
From what I know of you from the board, you are plenty interesting and you are definitely cute. Sometimes, I think our hearts protect us after we've had a break up or something and just need some downtime to heal. I think your time is coming, though. :) Spring and summer are the perfect opportunity to be out more and I think it's easier to meet people this time of year.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
Geeze I could have written that post. I feel ya.
I so agree. It's very hard to be happy for someone else when they have what you so desperately want.
I have some co-workers who are getting married next year. (They *are* two very nice people, BTW - don't dislike them or anything). He did the old-fashioned thing, dropped down on one knee, asked her to marry him, wrote her a poem, bought her flowers, etc.
They invited everyone to a happy hour celebration - to which I didn't go. And I felt guilty about it but I just couldn't bring myself to do so. Because I so wish that someone would do that for me... and I also know it will more than likely never happen.
I have all these feelings of resentment and bitterness of things that I never got to experience and probably never will. I was never a pretty girl - never got asked to any dances, never got asked out on any dates, etc. Boys never liked me at all. In later years, my mother always told me that "boys will change and they'll see you for what you are," but the boys didn't grow up and that never really happened either. Most guys that went out with me I had to beat over the head to get them to do so. And that does absolutely nothing at all for my self-esteem. Even my current BF - as great as he is - I still only feel like I'm his Bronze prize. He wasn't *sure* about me, didn't do backflips to go out with me...
My current classmates - some of them are married and their husbands take care of things so they can not work and concentrate on school. Not me. I'm trying to work a full-time job and do the school thing.
I know we shouldn't look at others and envy what they have, but that's easier said than done. And I know we're supposed to have a positive attitude and exude confidence. Yeah yeah. I wish I knew where I could find some confidence and some self-esteem. It sort of all got squashed out of me.
>>They invited everyone to a happy hour celebration - to which I didn't go. And I felt guilty about it but I just couldn't bring myself to do so. Because I so wish that someone would do that for me... and I also know it will more than likely never happen. <<
Ugh - I have a very hard time with bridal/baby showers, engagement parties, etc. these days. I rarely go, unless it's for a truly close friend. It's not that I'm not happy for the people celebrating, but it just makes me so miserable. I feel like I stand out as the sore-thumb single one.
I also didn't go to prom, etc. It's been 14 years since I graduated high school, and I still have a twinge of regret when I see those kids dressed up for prom out on the town. I feel like I missed something. Weddings, showers, etc. all fall into that category. I always feel like I'm celebrating for someone else, and I would love for it to be me one of these days.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
I was never a pretty girl
What you talkin' about Willis?
"From what I know of you from the board, you are plenty interesting and you are definitely cute. Sometimes, I think our hearts protect us after we've had a break up or something and just need some downtime to heal. I think your time is coming, though. :) Spring and summer are the perfect opportunity to be out more and I think it's easier to meet people this time of year."
Aww, thanks :) I'm trying to get excited for this weekend, I'm going out tonight for drinks/dinner with some friends and my one friend is more then willing to go wrangle a guy I might think is cute ;) and Sunday my friend is having a bbq for a friends b-day and she made sure to say "there will be plenty of single dudes there"....it just gets so frustrating when I can chat it up with a guy and they always tell me how cool I am, yet they don't ask me out!
Me too, I didn't go to my prom either. I feel as if I've been programmed or something from day one to not be one of those girls with boyfriends from age 13 forward. I feel like I've always been watching everyone else succeed in that area and I'm just stuck waiting for my turn. the other day I saw a friend of mine who has always had boyfriends ever since she was a teenager. guys throw themselves at her all the time and you'd think that she radiates the unavailable vibe because she's so pretty and she always has a man, but even with that, she still has that special something that draw men to her like bees to a hive.
Sometimes I just feel like I'm missing that THING, like I'm just not that interesting enough to the right men. I mean, don't get me wrong, I do attract men but they're always ridiculous, like once I was walking through a parking lot and the supermarket cart collector who looked like a thuggish kid and was definately not what I'm looking for approached me for my phone number. i mean, it's laughable. Or once I was walking at the beach and a man who must have been at least 20 years older than me hit on me. And then there are the married men. It's always so off base.
I don't know how these other women do it, but they seem to attract the right kind of guys-- even if they're not totally right for me, they're right for them and at least they're single, respectable, decent looking men who want relationships. I feel like I'm always left with the big joke, like that old game show where you choose a prize from behind three curtains and one is a ridiculous joke. I keep getting that one thrown at me.
>I feel like I'm always left with the big joke, like that old game show where you choose a prize from behind three curtains and one is a ridiculous joke. I keep getting that one thrown at me.<
Geeze I could have written that one too. I'm one of those women too. I get the absurd date offers.
The best one was the one about three years ago (I was 32), and this guy was doing his darndest to hit on me, asked me out to lunch, wanted to trade phone numbers, etc. Guess how old he was?
... Give up?
He was 72 years old. I know this because he was turning in a written column at my work (I work for a newspaper) and this column had his personal information on the title page.
And I generally get a lot of these. Either that, or I get the 20 year old guys who want to "date" an "experienced" older woman.
But nice men my age, men who are appropriately in my league, with respectable jobs, fairly well educated, etc., and not crazy, well... they just want to "be friends."
We could be the same person...I've been single for three and a half years and semi-unavailable for the last eight or so months (but totally available now), so....I'm in a rut that needs breaking out of. I also lived in a city that was completely populated by the over 35, 40 set (nothing wrong with that, but it was mostly older families and I'm 22) and worked with the same people. So far, I've moved, which has helped my social life ENORMOUSLY and dyed my hair. :) Has nothing to do with much other than it was some concrete form of change that made me feel better about things.
Anyway, I've gone out on one date, hooked up with one guy (who was from across the country) and been pursued by a couple I have no interest in (the latest was an ok-looking guy named Thaddeus that I met at a bar and in my tipsy state, gave my number to....he got in touch a couple days later and called himself "the unbelieveably attractive man" I met or something of the like....I'm sure he was kidding - or I HOPE he was - but I wasn't that interested in the first place) and that's IT. Meanwhile all of my friends seem to have paired off in the last year, BUT they're mostly in weird, semi-disfunctional relationships, which kind of make me wonder how many people are settling. SO, I figure, I'd rather be single and not settle or deal with people cheating on me or being general a**holes...I can wait. :)
Yeah, I was the ugly duckling, too. I was ok in high school, but stereotypically awkward and kind of out in never-never land, not knowing who the hell I was or what I was doing (I flirted with so many weird fads it's ridiculous). I graduated with close to 800 people, so it was never really about "fitting in," since there were never really the popular kids, the jocks, the freaks, etc., everyone just kind of blended and coexisted, which was nice. If you wanted to be anonymous, you could be, and save for my close friends, I was. I actually enjoyed high school, but I didn't date until the very end of my senior year.
Even then, I still kind of felt like my boyfriend at the time was the best I could do (which sounds mean to both him and myself, and it sort of was, but we both did a LOT of damage to each other in that almost two year relationship), and even into college, when I finally started coming into my own (and not looking like a ten year old...I'm both 4'11" and 95 pounds and look at least five years younger than I am, which is great when you're 30, notsomuch when you're 18 and get mistaken for a freshman all the time...I swear, I'm 22 now and could still walk through a high school unquestioned), I was always shocked when a guy liked me and dated here and there, but not a whole lot. During my senior year, I met a guy who was unavailable, but that I had a thing for for a while, and we'd flirt back and forth, but harmlessly. I eventually got over the crush and we're good friends now, but the one thing he did was jack my self-esteem up like crazy, haha. :) Not only due to him, of course, but I finally feel good about myself and have that confident attitude, which was something the last guy I dated (who is a semi-pro athlete, adorable, and nice, someone I never thought in a million years I could have attracted in high school) said he really liked about me (more specifically that I'm little, but that I walk big :) ).
The belabored point that I'm trying to get to here is that I think being the ugly duckling really serves people well in the end. I think we're usually the down-to-Earth girls who, even if they're confident, are never snooty about it or think we're above everyone else. I can't remember if someone I know said this or if it's from a movie or a book or somewhere, but I remember hearing/seeing somewhere that the girls who were ugly ducklings (a guy's point of view) tend to have a better sense of humor, to be more fun, and are more able to be playfully self-deprecating and laugh at themselves and at life.
*sigh*
Don't get me started on this one.
BTW:
"what am I doing wrong or not doing that is making me unapproachable or unattractive or just not interesting enough to the opposite sex".
...I doubt you are doing anything wrong.