ever wonder if you "belong here"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2007
ever wonder if you "belong here"?
9
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 1:01am

Hi All,


First I want to say that this is my first post on Ivillage. I ran across it via a link on the home page of our local news station, and thought that this might be a good place to vent my frustrations. Hopefully I am not out of place here, being that I am a male on a website for women LOL


I am posting here to see if someone can give me their opinion or some advice because I am 29 years old, and STILLL single.


Let me start out by saying, I have NEVER had a girl friend in my life. Not even in jr high or high school. I was one of those "nerd" kids that no girl in their dreams would ever go out with me, and apparently to this day that has not changed. The only exception to this is 7 years ago, a girl I dated for about a month, and knew from the start I was not going to like her and things were not going to go anywhere.


Back when I was in high school getting ready to graduate, I saw in my future meeting someone, and having a family. Having kids, buying a house. Doing family stuff. I had no idea that I would be this age, still single, with no sign of meeting anyone in sight, or even finding someone who will just give me a chance.


Everyone keeps telling me the usual stuff like Be patient", there's someone for everybody", the whole bit. But every year, I just get older, and nothing changes.


What really ticks me off, is that I am a nice person, who would take care of my wife and treat her with respect. I see so many other people out there, who treat their wives like crap by

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 7:17am

Thank you for your heartfelt honest post.

I was a late bloomer myself and also didn't feel like I fit in during high school. I've since learned that just about everybody feels that way!

You are obviously a man of high moral standards and principles, and that's a good thing. When other young men were out sleeping indiscriminately with women, you were sticking to your beliefs. The downside of this is that you now lack experience dating and connecting with women.

As to how to meet women: there are the usual things you could try like sports and hobbies, volunteer work, professional organizations and church. Anything that would get you out and meeting people, hopefully ones that you have something in common with, either men or women. A more robust social network always helps. I would also advise that you not try so hard to meet women—don't put yourself under so much pressure when you go out to meet "the one." Instead, concentrate on having a good time and just talking to people and being friendly.

I have to be honest with you, and I mean this in the kindest way, but your weight really could be holding you back. You know it keeps you from looking your most attractive and it is a tremendous health risk. If for no other reason, your health should be your main motivation for losing weight. OK, I know it's hard. But why not make that your project? I think it could open up an entirely new world for you.

And finally, I think you could probably benefit from some counseling. Maybe a life coach, not necessarily a therapist. You may have some baggage you need to unpack, and a professional could help you with this. I know a lot of men aren't too keen on seeking counseling, but no one has to know you are doing this. Do it for you. Make yourself a priority.

And listen, 29 is young.

Please take care and I wish you all the best. --FG

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 8:51am

I completely agree with FG. While there are women out there who would highly value your morals, and good guys with your morals can be hard to find these days since we live in a go-with-the-flow kind of society where high school and college kids just do what will make them fit in and feel good, unfortunately women will still take your weight issue into account when they meet you. I've always been told that when you meet someone, people immediately judge you based on two things-- how you speak and how you look, and it's rough when you're already down one of those things. If you're a poor speaker but you look like a model, people will probably let you slide, but in our world, when it comes to weight, it's going to be even tougher.

I've found that a lot of men out there assume that women just judge them according to their bank account and interest in family, but I for one will say, yes, looks do count. It's just the way we are designed by nature. As FG said, maybe make it a project to lose weight just for your health if anything, THEN focus on meeting women. Make a plan and try to stick to it. Even go to a weight specialist and outline a plan to lose weight. A life coach is also a great idea and would be a good investment for you I'm sure. Whenever I've met people who've lost weight they've said it has been life-changing. Years ago I dated a guy who showed me pictures from a few years earlier when he weighted a lot, and wow, he really changed for the better and turned heads everywhere he went because beneath that weight was a totally hot guy who could be an actor or model if he wanted to.

So go and find out who you really are beneath all of that weight. Ask yourself just that-- are there things that you'd really like to do but you are kept away from doing because of your weight? Maybe you would like to try various activities that would help you meet women, but physically, it's too challenging right now. We can often be held back from our true selves by various challenges, not just weight, but fears, abusive people, financial issues, we all have our own crosses to bear, you just have to find out how to handle them better, and, no pun intended, make them lighter, in order to get the most out of our time on this earth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 11:28am

First of all, not all young people do whatever they want and what makes them feel good to the detriment of everyone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2007
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 2:52pm
The other posters to your message did a great job of responding, but I'll add my two cents. It is unfortunate and unfair that weight can hold you back in the love area. But on the other hand, there is a biological element to love that plays a big part in attraction, and people cannot help that. I would agree that you should definitely look out for your health. On the upside, weight is definitely not the lose-all, kill-all for your love life. Personality does ultimately trump appearance. For me, it does not matter if a guy is the most attractive man I've ever seen- if he is a jerk, I lose all attraction. I also agree that you definitely are putting a lot of pressure on yourself and women in general to emphasize marriage right out of the chute. There is nothing wrong in wanting to get married, and there is nothing wrong with not wanting to be a player (kudos to you!). But I do agree that thinking along the lines of dating around without having such elevated expectations can increase your prospects. You may be surprised by who you find if you relax a bit. I also agree that getting involved with new and interesting social groups or activities will help you meet lots of different people and enhance your life. Best of luck to you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 3:22pm

Thank you for posting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2006
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 5:52pm

I think sun makes an excellent point. Sadly, nice does often equal dull. I would love to meet a nice person and live happily ever after, but whats the problem? Often nice people have very limited interests, aren't very social, and want to be someones entire life rather than just complimenting it. This doesn't make for a happy relationship. We all have to enjoy being by ourselves in order to enjoy being with someone else. Do you enjoy yourself when you're alone? Or do you avoid doing things that you would enjoy because you're alone? We're all guilty of the latter and it is a long process to overcome that, but eventually we become better people when we like ourselves and like being with ourselves.

Right now I agree with everyone when I say you should focus on you and being the person you want to be. Whether thats working on your weight, social skills, or a hidden talent put all of your attention on making yourself happy and complete. You are definitely not alone =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 9:59pm
Just to let you know, you're not alone. I'm 29 and have only had one boyfriend my whole life. I'm not unattractive, but deeply insecure and solitary. I may never get married. I just wanted you to know you're not alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2007
Fri, 10-12-2007 - 1:10am

Thank you all very much for your replies. It was nice to at least be able to open up and vent a little, as I have virtually nobody that I fell comfortable with that I can open up to and have them either make fun of me, think I am nuts, or just simply not understand.


Florida Girl hit it right on the head when she said that I might have some baggage to unpack. You couldn't have said it any better FG. I have a lot of issues with my family, mainly my sisters, that stems waaaaaaaaaay back to when I was very little. Mainly because they have never really made me feel very accepted. It is to the point where I have though about calling the hospital where I was born to see if I could find out if there is a possibility that I could have been adopted or switched at birth.


But again, I just have no one to talk to about things like that, so I've pretty much just kept it inside. You are probably right about going to see a life coach, I've just got to get the confidence to go I guess.


Sun and carly G pretty much described me to a tee (unfortunately LOL) I do kind of have limited interests, and I am not a real sociable person, mainly because my social skills are, well, let's say I don't really have a whole lot of social skills LOL


I'm not shy by any means, but really just don't know how to be in a conversation. I could go to a bar that is packed, sit there at the bar for hours and not really say much because I don't know what to say. But on the other hand, I've been known to go out to dinner at, say, Chili's, by myself, and sit at the bar and have a conversation with the guy sitting next to me that will last the entire time I am there.


What it comes down to, is that I can react just fine with people that are by themselves, but not people who are in a group. Now, if I myself am in a group with other people, I don't have nearly as much difficulty interacting with other groups of people.


I really appreciate all of your replies. You all made me feel welcome here, and now that I am comfortable here, I will probably post about some other things, or just hang out with Y'all :-)


Just be prepared, because when (or if) the day comes when I do get a date, I will be asking you many questions about what I should or shouldn't do LOL


Take care, and thanks again.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Fri, 10-12-2007 - 9:50am

>>What it comes down to, is that I can react just fine with people that are by themselves, but not people who are in a group. Now, if I myself am in a group with other people, I don't have nearly as much difficulty interacting with other groups of people.


I COMPLETELY get it...I'm exactly like that and people don't get it.