Every time I forget about him, he reappears

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Every time I forget about him, he reappears
14
Wed, 01-09-2013 - 7:40pm

I first met this guy G maybe around 1999 on OLD.  We went out a couple of times, it was ok, but he seemed to work a lot and then I met 2nd DH so I kind of forgot about him.  After I was married (so maybe around 2004 or so) G hired me to do some legal work for him, so he knew I was married at that time.  Another time, I remember he referred a friend for a divorce.  Didn't see him for years until about 2 yrs ago, after I was divorced--again he referred a friend to me for a divorce and I was also doing some legal work for him too--it was all over the phone/email so we never saw each other in person.  I suggested that maybe he could drop by some time to meet for lunch if he was around--we ended up having dinner together (he paid).  I thought we had a good time at dinner, very easy to have conversation--it seemed like he enjoyed it too.  He said he'd call me again for lunch--never happened.  I actually would be fine not dating him and just being friends and going out every once in a while for dinner or hang out.  He's a workaholic and I think it would be too hard to have a relationship w/ him, but I never got a chance to convey that message since we never met up again.  So a while later, I decide to go on EHarmony--guess who one of my first matches is!  I wrote him a little note like "isn't this funny?" because it'snot like you can pretend that you didn't see the person's picture or didn't recognize it--he didn't even write back.  I was mad and just figured ok, I'll never see him again, we won't be friends and I'll just forget about him totally.  I really hadn't thought much about him until today when he sends me an invitation to connect on Linkedin.  What?  So yes, I know it's a business site and not even as friendly or personal as Facebook so I am not thinking that he wants to be friends but he's obviously not avoiding me for life either.  Someday I expect to get a call from him to evict a tenant or to do another friend's divorce & he'll act like it's just normal to call me after a few years and it will be like we never went out to dinner or anything.

Now this guy is middle aged and never been married so there's probably a reason for that that he is avoiding relationships, yet if he's on OLD, he obviously wants to date.  I just wish I could get a guy like this and say "do you know how lucky you would be to have me?"  lol  I mean we obviously get along quite well, we're both Italian, so similar family backgrounds, he's a couple of years younger than me, he doesn't live too far away--he has money, always a plus--and I would put up with the fact that he is NOT GOOD LOOKING!  How many women does he think are going to get past that fact to get to know him on OLD and not be superficial?  I don't even remember now why I took a chance on him on OLD--maybe he didn't have a picture?  Oh well, what can you do?  His loss.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2002
Fri, 01-11-2013 - 3:58pm
Great! You go girl!! :) lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 01-11-2013 - 11:57am

I went out dancing last night & talked to & danced with a nice good looking guy--funny how I didn't think of G all night.  lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2002
Fri, 01-11-2013 - 9:28am

Hi Music,

I feel for you on this one - although you seem very confident in the attributes that you have to offer, you seem to be beating yourself up a bit that this guy (who should consider you a catch) seems uninterested, even on the level of friendship.

The best thing that I can say is don't take it personally......easy to do I know.......but it seems like the "rules" out there have changed so much in the last few years.  Both women and men seem to want different things and frankly (sorry in advance to the guys on this board) - single men do NOT want to seem to bother maintaining a friendship or a relationship.  He is probably on OLD thinking he will meet a supermodel or something.........

I think also the fact that you're a highly educated professional comes into play.......as he is also in your realm, so he seems that much more suitable.  I actually have a friend here in Toronto and he is a professional (senior) engineer......a woman who was a principal of a school was pursuing him but he felt that although she had a good income, she only wanted to hook up with him because he also was a professional with a good income (???) - I would be more wary of someone having a low income trying to hook up with a professional.....but obviously his take on things was different. 

Things have definitely changed.......I know when I talk to my dad or aunt periodically they ask if I have a boyfriend.......boyfriend (??) who really wants to be a boyfriend nowadays?? lol.  I don't mean ALL men, but definitely a lot of them want the "FWB" experience or just to fool around and call whenever they please.  As much as I would love a relationship, I don't see it happening right now......

I guess in short.......hang in there........it sounds like this guy has his own deal.......keep looking and I'm sure you will find someone who truly appreciates you.

Mel :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 01-10-2013 - 10:44pm

Hi;

Oh; It is nice having a guy as a friend because there isnt a whole lot of pressure to be together and its less work than a real relationship. With my guy friend N there is no attraction and we dont have much in common romantically but we do hang out and go out and have fun. It is kind of nice to atleast have that. We even talk on phone.. He is just not boyfriend material but he makes a good guy friend.

Me and N have made up the term surrogate boyfriend and gfriend. Someone who for now in this moment is taking the place of a real love interest...

I would think its very rare though to find this as people tend to either want all or nothing................

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 01-10-2013 - 7:24pm

I didn't mean to come across as that negative about him.  Actually except for his looks, I think everything about him is good--he's very smart, nice, good at his job, very interesting.  What I meant about saying that I would be fine with being friends is that I did want to date him, but since he didn't seem interested in me, that I could accept just being friends if that's what he wanted--but it seems like he didn't even want that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Thu, 01-10-2013 - 6:08pm
I guess I'm a bit confused on one part - a guy who would be with a woman who describes him in caps as not being good looking, she "took a chance on him", thinks he works to the point of an addiction, and is fine being friends with him - doesn't sound like a woman a guy would be lucky to have to date. Not hearing huge romance here, it sounds like you have a very low opinion of him. He definitely wasn't into you either due to the lack of contact after dinner nor to your online dating email. I get Linkedin requests from people I barely know, it seems worse than one of those viruses that raid people's address books. So in other words, this whole thing with this guy is a wash.
 
Anyway, I get the point of the story and your frustration at not meeting anyone or the chance to have a guy continue to pay attention to you. Someone may even have a book for you to read about it. But clearly this situation wasn't right for the either of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 01-10-2013 - 1:16pm

I definitely agree with you & LBW that he's not interested in a relationship w/ me--I know that contacting me on Linkedin is really only a business networking thing--he didn't even send me a message.  At least if it was Facebook I would consider it more a friendly thing.  and if he does ever contact me for business again, I'd keep it professional but friendly--we always chat about what is going on in our lives but I wouldn't make the first move to ask him to get together or anything.  When we went out to dinner, I didn't really consider it a "date" but it definitely wasn't a business dinner either--I considered it more like friends getting together.  First of all when I met him on the street before going into the restaurant, he did give me a hug & kiss on the cheek which is very awkward considering he's more than a foot taller than me.  We were at dinner at least 2 hours--no business talk, we just talk very easily, none of those awkward silences even though I hadn't seen him in a long time.  It would have been nice to be able to convey to him that it would be fine to be friends who only saw each other once in a while.  I assume that most guys would think that a woman would be mad at you if you only called to get together every few months, which I would if you were supposed to be in a relationship, but I would actually be fine with that--I know there aren't romantic sparks going on.  But apparently he didn't even want that.  

Oh yeah, there was one other time he contacted me after we went out for dinner (and I think it was after the EH debacle)--now I remember he emailed me to say that he had referred a woman client to me for a divorce (for all I know he could have been dating her).  So I wrote back thanks, how are you and he wrote back that he had been very busy fixing up his house in the last 6 months & even sent me a picture of his house--so it's kind of this weird thing--in one way, only business, but if we ever do talk, then we discuss our families, what's going on in our lives--everything but dating it seems!  When we went out to dinner, I was actually wondering at that point if he even knew I had gotten div from 2nd DH--I assume he didn't when we made the plan, but I wasn't wearing a ring and I mentioned being divorced but didn't give him any details--maybe that in itself freaked him out!  See, now I'm back to thinking about him--I was much better off when he wasn't in my consciousness at all!

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Thu, 01-10-2013 - 8:44am

I know it's frustrating, but I have to agree with Ladybookworm. When you went to dinner, did you feel that it was a date? If so, perhaps he didn't feel like it was, that it was just business. I also think there is a phenomenon where one person on a date has a really good time and is really attracted--and the other person acts attracted, too, but really isn't. They just don't want to hurt your feelings. I don't really know wy people do this, because it is confusing.

But, you say you'd be happy being friends. I get that, too. But something is obviously holding him back from becoming friends or becoming romantic. It, of course, doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you or that you don't measure up.

But I get being kinda ticked and feeling like, "Well what am I--chopped liver?" I've mentioned a guy before that I met via OLD who I would want to date and feel we would very likely be a good fit. But for whatever reason, I just don't do it for him. And I find I do feel angry about it. I'd never express that to him of course. We actually went on a date, although it was during the day, and now I'm not sure if he looked at it as friends hanging out. This was three years after we had met via OLD. We had seen each other at events throughout that time, I was quite excited when we finally went out. Then--crickets.

I agree with the book He's Just Not That Into You. If he ain't calling to ask you out, he ain't interested.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2011
Thu, 01-10-2013 - 4:47am
"Where have you been?? Hanging out with Marina??" How can I hang out with Marina when I *am* her...or so I was told. Remember ? :) "it's best to let [old flames] die and move on". In most cases probably so. But there are some that just refuse to die..
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 01-10-2013 - 2:27am

Hey Rishi

Where have you been?? Hanging out with Marina??

long time no see nor hear..

so why are you contacting this woman?? Do tell...........Is it because you are lonely and there is no one else around? I find that when I want to contact an old flame its because I get nostalgic and start only remembering the good things and not the bad.. I think as humans we have a side that makes us vulunerable to the past and all the memories and the good ones only... but we know deep in our hearts they are ex;ex for a reason.. I think of my ex H here and there and not because I want him back or anything but because it was a big chunk of my past and for 11 years he was a big part of it and I tend to remember the good times.. Sorry went off on tangent,

I have learned and read that although we go back alot in time and want to rekindle old flames its best to let them die and  move on..

Yes; I should take my own advice also..

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