Everything is Played Out

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Everything is Played Out
11
Fri, 05-03-2013 - 6:00pm

Hello everyone;

So me now being 59 years old and been to enough meet up single events and some dating and single dances and all of that scene its all played out for me.. I do not enjoy any of this anymore and all I want is to be in a relationship and live in the country ... I cannot stand another single event or being single another minute...

This weekend there are so many things for couples going on outdoors and although I have asked a few people to go they all declined so I will be going by myself.. That I dont mind but there will be plenty of couples and kids at these outdoor venues...and that is going to be very depressing...

So now what?? I know we have talked about this stuff before but its getting on my nerves.. I really need a Plan Z now like maybe moving to Belize or a deserted island and take up fishing...

I mean what now?

My best guy friend Nick passed away in March and it really hurts alot... He was my age.. Now there is another mutual guy friend of ours who wants to sort of hang out with me but I dont like him very much as he is such a pain.....

So there it is and I know I should be greatful and on a good day I am but feeling so down and out .. Oh; I even ordered a concert ticket for the group Train just for myself... How depressing is that??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2002
Fri, 05-03-2013 - 6:28pm

Hi Free,

Unlike some people here who may offer really positive advice on things to do......I can just say that I feel your pain.  I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your friend - that can't be easy.

People always say "join meet ups" and "go to things in your area" "take classes" and "volunteer".......unfortunately for me I haven't found any of these things fit my lifestyle (although these are good suggestions).  I know you have to "try" but frequently, it seems the harder I try, the more difficult it becomes to meet and be accepted by people.  I live in an apartment building and a new (single) woman moved in.......I thought maybe her and I might hit it off (we talked for quite a while in the laundry room).  I was thinking of asking her if she might want to go out one night for a glass of wine or hang out......but every time I've seen her since then, she is quiet and standoff-ish, so I haven't asked.

Meeting people is difficult and frankly only becomes more difficult as we get older (generally......I don't mean to be negative).  I find sometimes acceptance comes in the form of enjoying your own company and knowing that really, being on your own is much better than being in a bad relationship.  Also, we never really know what's coming around the corner for us in life......I watched a documentary about marriage last year and it showed a few women 40+ getting married for the first time......I like to think that if it's meant, maybe it will happen.......

From your posts, I can tell that you have a lot to offer.  Hang in there........I think (surprisingly) many people feel the same angst about their lifestyles or situations (married/divorced/kids/exes/widows & widowers, etc.......).

I hope at least knowing you have some company brings a little comfort :)

Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 05-03-2013 - 6:39pm

Hi ;

Awwwwwwwwwww.. thanks Mel and nice post.. I appreciate it..

You know I have gone out alone all the time and I have been out with others.. Maybe I am sick of myself but what does that mean?  I dont know..

Yes; Nick and I would atleast go out and hang out and be best buddies.. We didnt have a physical relationship but it was good for going out on weekends.. I know God will open up another door as he always does but this new guy T if that is the door God has opened i dont like it... He is okay and I have gone to line dancing with him and a concert but he is not really a favorite of mine.. His ego is too large for me and he is annoying... so I can just tolerate him ..... He called me tonight and I said I was busy because he always wants me to be a wing woman..

 

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Fri, 05-03-2013 - 10:00pm

Aging is a catch 22 for me.  I don't mind the being alone thing as much as some, I mean, of course it would be nice to have a partner in crime but it's all of the things that come along with aging that scares me.  I mean, most are on a limited income and if you're single like us, that means living on even less.  Ugh, I am really reaching here because aging actually scares me.  I don't want to depress you even further.  I will say that I hope maybe our generation can make a positive change with how the elderly are regarded in society.  By the way, I don't think you are elderly.  I  suppose I am skipping through my own youth or what's left of it and am getting right down to the gritty of it.  Isn't it in Asian culture where they hold such high regard for the aged?  I hope that everyone here is blessed with mobility into their golden years, along with a good strong mind and decent health.  I think if you at least have those basic things, you have a little more control over your quality of life.  Hey, as long as I have my good girlfriends for right now, I'm good.  I realize that as the aging process grabs hold, those feelings may change.  I'm sure that lonliness in your 40's is vastly different than it is in your 70's.  It's almost unfathomable to me that someone with your personality and vigor, in a place as heavily populated as NY can find herself in this predicament but here I sit just a few years younger and basically in the same boat.  If I could even attempt to offer any type of advice I'd say that maybe if we stop and take the time to help out the elderly or the lonely, the down trodden, perhaps some day when we need it the most someone will be there for us.  

You talk about moving a lot.  Have you ever seriously considered it?  On a side note, I'm very sorry to hear about your friend.  I think I recall your mentioning him in the past.  Hugs.

P.S.  I applaud the fact that you bought that ticket.  I wouldn't have the balls to do that in a million years.  Go, and have fun.  Who knows, you may even make a new friend or three while there ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 05-03-2013 - 10:06pm

I think maybe it's the combination of losing your friend Nick and maybe not having a lot of friends in your area to hang out with--maybe if your sister was nicer & not absorbed w/ her BF and you could hang out w/ her it would be easier.  I mean my mom & her sisters are in their 70's & 80's and they still have fun hanging out.  So it could be a little depression from losing your friend--that makes it harder to get out and make yourself do things.  I go in phases.  A while ago I decided that perhaps I'd just be without a man forever (not that I want that, but I'm being realistic that it might not happen) so I try to make the best of what I can do--and I'm lucky cause now I have a lot of single friends so it's pretty easy to find people to go out & do things with.  Most of the time I don't care that I don't have a man--although it's annoying sometimes because the kind of dancing that I do is partner dancing.  I can go out & do nightclub kind of dancing with the girls but not ballroom.  But I'll tell you last night, I don't know what came over me, but probably cause I wish I knew where I stood with the guy I've gone out with a couple of times recently--I'm still wondering if he likes me just as a friend or as more and whether we'll go out again, and I really felt an intense longing for being in a relationship--I definitely miss it.  Luckily I don't feel like that every day or I'd go out of my mind  Then again, I saw my 2nd exH tonight cause he came over to get some things from my house--he went back to looking like a biker, grew his hair & beard long and all I could think of was I really can't belive that I ever found this guy attractive--he looks more like a blond Santa now.  lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sat, 05-04-2013 - 12:37am

Wow you guys are so right on and said some very valuable things..... its like you read my mind and I couldnt even think of those things..I so appreciate it..

A few things I got from the posts were that yes aging is probably a big thing and not so gentle or graceful here in a big city or anywhere for that matter.. It does feel unaceptable and it is not for the faint of heart (lol)..I think if I lived in Manhatten which is a fortune to live  it would be more acceptable but here in suburbs there are way more marrieds with children. and I am a bit fortunate in that I live in a touristy area where there are more singles than the other  surrounding areas.. . The singles especially the senior group are scattered all over.. Its like being stuck in the middle of the teenager, young moms  and the bridge club.. CFK..You had that right on the money .... It is also the fact that my friend did die and yes Music you had that right about sis also.. So I am thinking its a combination of all of these things that are weighing me down ..especially the money , health and the process of it.. Like I cant do the things i used to .. I am much slower and my reflexes are slower...and trying to accept it all..

Yes CFK throw in the limited funds and no second income and there are more challenges.. It probably would make more sense to go on a singles bus trip than to go to a maritime festival where there will be a bunch of families but that does cost money.... Well with the ideas you guys gave me I better start revamping my lifetsyle to fit accordingly.... whatever that is like the bus trips or the senior community center or whatever.. I just have to figure that out....

CFK.. As far as ordering the concert ticket I will be going alone and actually that kind of stuff doesnt bother me anymore because when I go out alone I have learned to just attach myself to whomever is there.. People are way more receptive to either one single person or a couple. for some crazy reason..

Besides this way I bought an orchestra seat and I dont have to deal with anyone else.. I can just sit there and enjoy the music.. I also dont mind going to movies alone as there is no one who talks during the movie..

thanks guys

thanks everyone

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sat, 05-04-2013 - 8:59am

I will be 59 in July, and I too wonder "what will become of me?" I never dreamed I would be uncoupled for this long, and I don't have a Plan B. It is harder to make intimate connections later in life, and very difficult to lose one.

Yes, so many people say "Join a few meetup groups, do online dating, volunteer, etc., etc." All very well-meaning advice. But when you are lonely, you are not longing for just any company--you long for intimate connection. Yes, of course you can meet people by doing these activities, but often times, you don't. Perhaps you have nothing in common beyond a love of dancing, or needlecraft or you-name-it.

I have worked very hard to form friendships, especially with other single women. But last weekend, I had no plans (no one available), and I was really wanting them. But this weekend, I have plans all three days. I know what it's like to call everyone you know to try to set something up and no one is available. I long to have an "automatic sprinkler system" in place where I didn't have to work so hard at creating a social/connected life. But it is what it is. And luckily, I do have people who will invite me to do things. Not as often as I would like, but often enough. And I applaud you for doing things by yourself. There are many people who just couldn't imagine going out alone.

Unfortunately, there's no way to "'think" oneself out of this. I find that I need to break the chain of negative thoughts, and that can be accomplished by simply going out to buy a magazine and then go to Starbucks to read it. Or, go to a movie. It's not so much what you are doing, but of changing your environment for a while. And sometimes this is not enough either. It is in those times that you need to be extra gentle with yourself--don't beat yourself up just because you can't instantly solve the problem. And sometimes when you break your thought pattern, it's enough to get you through to a better time. Perhaps you'll come home from the movie to find a message from a friend. 

I know it's not much, but it's all I've got.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sat, 05-04-2013 - 9:07am

(Well, sorry I got off on the aging topic. My teacher keeps talking about Obama care/how those 70 & over are doomed.  She has us scared to death.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sat, 05-04-2013 - 9:51am

Florida.. Yes I know what you mean and yes I do get stuck with the negative talks.. What I do for that is everything humanely possible like the EFT and accupressure and meditation and walking and also lately listening on utube to Abraham Hicks and trying so hard with all of my might to believe in this stuff.. Sometimes I do and sometimes I dont.. Its all so very challenging and laws of attraction does work to a degree with practice ... I Know life is a journey and each one of us has our own journey and path we take..

CFK.. No you made some good points about the age and its all true and that could be part of it.. I mean aging is going to happen or not and we all need to be prepared and talking and venting helps alot and to see what others are doing and feeling give sme ideas... but getting stuck in the future is probably more harmful than good because we have no idea what it will bring.. Yes being prepared is good but worrying and dwelling on it is no good.. I should take my own advice but since I am older than you my golden years are already here (lol).. and trying to fit  myself in to this society at 59 is challenging.. but yes it is what it is..

Its like some days I feel like getting botox or something done to make myself look better but its expensive or doing something for my looks to help me along the process but I dont like needles..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Sat, 05-04-2013 - 9:47pm

@cfk:Sigh.  Your aunt will be just fine.  Obamacare has nothing to do with Medicare. It is those of is who are under 55 that will probably lose our Medicare if a certain failed VP candidate  gets his way.  Now I know that this is not a political venue, but it drives me nuts when I see all the misinformation spread by Murdoch's kingdom. Please let her know that there news sources much more balanced than Faux Noix. 

 Rant over.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 05-05-2013 - 10:46am

Thanks Gleannfia.  Both of my instructors are staunch republicans.  If it's not healthcare, it's gun control.  I grew up in a household with, though more conservative, registered independents so I'm not used to well, I'll just stop there ;)

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