excluded by coupled up friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2006
excluded by coupled up friends
29
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 11:10am

just wondering if anyone else is in a similar situation..

i'm 23 and currently single, which i'm happy about because i always fall for the wrong guys and i think i need a break from the confines of bad relationships. i'm also back living at home while i get an advanced degree which means i'm in the same town as my 2 best friends, one who got married over the summer and the other who is now engaged. i expected that we'd all hang out a lot but i find that they don't have time for me or when they do hang out it's the 2 couples. now i don't have a problem with being single right now like i said so i wouldn't mind hanging out with the 4 of them. but they usually leave me out unless we do something that's just the girls which are few and far between. i've known them both for many years and it kills me that our "3 musketeer" type friendship is dwindling because of guys. i'm so ready to just move to the other coast when i finish my degree but i feel like that will just separate us more emotionally.

does anyone else have this problem? and if so how do/did you deal with it? do i say something?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 12:42pm

I think you should gently tell them how you feel.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 4:44pm

I agree with the previous post...maybe your friends aren't aware of how you feel. But...

I hate to be pessimistic, but I feel like, in general, couples socialize with couples and singles socialize with singles. I've also noticed a drastic change in friendships when one of you becomes a mom. In a way I guess you could say that you are in a different phase of life than your married friends...you know, they're buying sofas and having their in-laws over to dinner. Same with moms...they're all about diapers and day care. And I can understand wanting to be able to talk about these things with a woman friend who is going through the same thing. But still.

I'm one of those "make friends for life" kind of people, and it has really saddened me in the last few years to have my single women friends dump me—like, completely—out of their lives because they met a guy. And I thought we had a really good friendship, more than superficial. I was married a long time ago and have been single a really long time, so I have really counted on friendships. I do have one really good friend, but she's not very available due to having a disabled child (we've been friends since we were both 7....we're 52 now. Quite amazing). I still believe in friendship and hope that I can make new close friendships, but I suppose I've become a bit wary now. I expect friendships to last maybe a few years and then just dissolve.

A really good book about all of this is "What Did I Do Wrong?" by Liz Pryor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 6:02pm

>>I've also noticed a drastic change in friendships when one of you becomes a mom.<<

Very true. Just today, I got an e-mail from an old coworker/friend. I asked her to send pics of her one-year-old, which she did. She then asked about another friend of mine who has new twin girls and said, "Tell her I'd love to get the kiddos together." She never suggested that she and I get together. I was a bit miffed - after all, she and I shared an office for two years, and now she wants to hang out with MY best friend who she met ONCE simply because they're both moms. It made me feel like I have no value as a friend if I am not married and changing diapers. (he he, but yet, I don't have to change diapers - so the world isn't all unfair).

I do agree that there are times in life when you have to make an effort to make new friends. My married/parent friends still will do things with me (with the exception of the one mentioned above), but I have made an effort to seek out single friends recently.

Sometimes, you have to decide who is worth keeping in your life and who isn't.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 6:43pm

Yep, I've noticed the same thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2006
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 10:44pm

thanks for all the responses... and i will check out that book, sounds good.

i guess i will have to talk to them since they don't seem to realize on their own. i've known them both since we were so young and they just mean too much for me to let go of in my life. maybe they'll come around when i have another guy but i hate to wait until that happens. i can only imagine how much worse it will be when one of them has kids and that makes me sad because i'm nowhere near wanting to settle down w/ a guy and get married, let alone have kids, so we may only drift further apart if i don't say something soon.

thanks again everyone

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 10:19am

"Now she's worried that we're going to end up living in a house with our parents in Florida like the Golden Girls!"


I always thought it would be fun to live like the Golden Girls!

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 12:14pm

I don't think the Golden Girls had a bathroom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 12:57pm
I'm 35 and have been "single" for 9 years now, so I have actually been thru what you're talking about several times. So I know how you feel. I have 2 really good friends that we married when I was and we all did cpl stuff, then when I got divorced I was all alone, odd woman out so to speak. Then one of them got divorced, we became running buddies again, she got into another serious relationship and remarried.... no time for me anymore. (Actually we've done this 3 times now.) The other friend got divorced too, same thing. They no longer call on a regular basis, we'll go wks without talking. I don't fit into their lives anymore. I have tried to date men that I think they would like, so we could go back to doing cpls stuff... that doesn't work. You can't date someone just to fit in..sigh. It's hard. Most of the time I understand, but you can't help feeling left out and abandoned sometimes.

Sarahjo

"A discussion is an exchange of intelligence, an argument is an exchange of ignorance."

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 4:35pm
I know how you feel. I've felt the same way being single. I do have a married friend though who would like to hang out with me and my single friends more often and I just assume sometimes that she doesn't want to hang out but she has mentioned before that she really does want to. So I'm making an effort to include her more in the outings.
The times I feel it the most though is when I go to visit my sister who is married with a child and all her friends are married and a lot have children (we are close in age so I get along with her friends too). It's like I can't talk to my sis about single stuff anymore or we can't vent to each other about boyfriends or dating situations because now she's happily married with a child and it basically happened in a few months. Her and her friends talk about their children and things that I just can't relate to anymore. She just doesn't understand my frustrations I"ve had this past year and a half with dating because she is so happy.
So yes, it stinks sometimes feeling like the singles world is separated from the couples world. I recently met someone who I am dating exclusively now. I'm not sure what are title is since we've only met a few weeks ago. I'm thinking this has great potential so far but I don't want to allow this to get in between me and my single friends. I'm going to do my best to balance my time with both him and them even though it's hard sometimes. Friendships are very important. MOst of the time men come and go but your girlfriends are there for you no matter what.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 9:43pm

I am in a relationship, but we are long distance this year. Most of my friends are coupled up, but I still hang out with them. Sometimes I'm the fifth wheel and sometimes the third. But I don't feel awkward about it, and as a result they don't either.

I was sitting here trying to think of why it's worked. I'm not sure it's anything other than luck. But, with all of those couples I get along well with the guys too. So sometimes I get invited because the couple will be talking to each other about me, which will prompt them to call me up and ask if I want to go do something.

I would invite your girl friends out for lunch or coffee -- perhaps one-on-one -- and talk to them about how you don't see them much anymore, and you'd love to go out with them. And let them know you have no qualms about the men going too, and you don't feel weird not having a date, so you hope they don't either.

Hopefully they will come around. It may just be that they think you might feel weird, so they are hesitant to ask.

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