excluded by coupled up friends
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| Mon, 11-06-2006 - 11:10am |
just wondering if anyone else is in a similar situation..
i'm 23 and currently single, which i'm happy about because i always fall for the wrong guys and i think i need a break from the confines of bad relationships. i'm also back living at home while i get an advanced degree which means i'm in the same town as my 2 best friends, one who got married over the summer and the other who is now engaged. i expected that we'd all hang out a lot but i find that they don't have time for me or when they do hang out it's the 2 couples. now i don't have a problem with being single right now like i said so i wouldn't mind hanging out with the 4 of them. but they usually leave me out unless we do something that's just the girls which are few and far between. i've known them both for many years and it kills me that our "3 musketeer" type friendship is dwindling because of guys. i'm so ready to just move to the other coast when i finish my degree but i feel like that will just separate us more emotionally.
does anyone else have this problem? and if so how do/did you deal with it? do i say something?

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You know way more about the Golden Girls than I do!
I agree that having a talk with the friends might help things... But I don't think it will change anything though, sadly.
My experience with girls who get married are like this..... There are those who don't change when they get married. They still make time for all their friends, no matter if they're single or coupled. These girls are to be cherished, because they are few and far in between. Then there are the girls who are friends with you, until they get married or coupled up. I've had a couple of really close buds who basically dropped me as a friend when they got married. One even made a pact with me to never become "that girl" who forgets about her friends. Now, she is the worst of all of them. I am 31 and it gets to become a point where you just need to start weeding out those who are worth your time and those who are not. My friend that made a pack with me has admitted she has become a bad friend. I called her out a couple of times on her flaking out and he just comes up with ridiculous excuses. So my point here, is that you can have a talk with them, but that does not mean they will change. Most likely they won't. Those who are truly your friends will never leave you out of things for something stupid like being single in the first place. To me, being a real friend is somebody who is there for you, regardless of your single status. So start making new friends and start relying less on those who don't give you the friendship you deserve. From my experience, they will never change.
The said thing about this is that there is more then a 50% chance their marriage won't work out. When or if it does, they will find themselves very lonely when they need a shoulder to cry on. So in my opinion what comes around, goes around and they too might feel the pain one day of having friends who are no longer there for them. It's because they made their own beds.
It's sad that in reading your post, I could COMPLETELY identify. It was almost as if I were reading something that I myself had typed. I guess it just goes to show that some get it and some simply don't.
However, maybe not all of them are selfish people. You never really know what's going on in someone else's life. Some are probably content w/o their female pals but some may be experiencing some loneliness themselves. Perhaps marriage/motherhood hasn't turned out the way that they had imagined. Perhaps they are even a little jealous of us and our freedom. Maybe they just don't relate to their single friends any longer. Maybe they don't know what topics to discuss because their daily lives are so different. I admit, it doesn't seem like it would be too much of a stretch but I find that it's easier to comprehend situations such as this if I try to put myself in their shoes.
In any case, if someone clearly doesn't seem to be interested in your life, single or no, it's probably time to get back out there and meet some new people.
"However, maybe not all of them are selfish people. You never really know what's going on in someone else's life"
I agree to this point, however not whole heartedly though. I feel this way because I do feel there is a bit of selfishness involved when a friend conveniently gets married and forgets about you. I was that girl who made sure my friend's bachelorette party was fun when nobody wanted to do the things she wanted to do. I made sure we stuck to her plans after she had an emotional meltdown that night. I was the friend who got on the dance floor with her at her wedding when everyone else either left early or just sat at their tables. I was also that friend who reminded her that she was dating a great guy when she wanted to break up with the guy would later end up being her husband.
I have gone through my own hell these past six months and guess who was NOT there for me when I needed her crying one evening?? She also forget my birthday a couple weeks later. So I guess I get a little offended when we say they're not selfish. I understand that they probably have things going on in their lives that we're not aware of, but so was I when she needed me. But that did not stop me from being there for her, when everyone else flaked out on her.
I'm sorry. I guess this post brought up some un-resolved anger for me... :)
Edited 11/8/2006 4:19 pm ET by bbw_26
I do agree with the rejection ideas from some people here. I find it almost a disease to be single where I live.
People either think that you are a lesbian or after their husbands. And they don't care about the truth.
It can be very ugly. And, yes, I too, will look at that book.
If your "friends" are judging you this way then they aren't friends and should be ditched so you can have more time to make friends who are worth your time. I really dislike people that can't think for themselves and who constantly make assumptions
Thanks so much for your compassion. I gave up those friends a long time ago. It's just one facet of our society that isn't real likable.
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