excluded by coupled up friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2006
excluded by coupled up friends
29
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 11:10am

just wondering if anyone else is in a similar situation..

i'm 23 and currently single, which i'm happy about because i always fall for the wrong guys and i think i need a break from the confines of bad relationships. i'm also back living at home while i get an advanced degree which means i'm in the same town as my 2 best friends, one who got married over the summer and the other who is now engaged. i expected that we'd all hang out a lot but i find that they don't have time for me or when they do hang out it's the 2 couples. now i don't have a problem with being single right now like i said so i wouldn't mind hanging out with the 4 of them. but they usually leave me out unless we do something that's just the girls which are few and far between. i've known them both for many years and it kills me that our "3 musketeer" type friendship is dwindling because of guys. i'm so ready to just move to the other coast when i finish my degree but i feel like that will just separate us more emotionally.

does anyone else have this problem? and if so how do/did you deal with it? do i say something?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2006
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 5:27pm

i just need to vent a bit more about this...

i don't know how old everyone on here is and who has myspace and who doesn't, but i use it to keep in touch with friends and old classmates. so anyway, the two friends i've been talking about who are excluding me, posted on one another's myspace pages the past couple days and basically my friend and her fiance are going for the first time to see my other friend and her husband's new house that has just been built (they haven't moved in yet) and then going for pizza. to me this is something so important, it's my best friend's NEW HOUSE and i'm so completely excited for her because it's been a long process for them but i can't help but feel dejected and really hurt that she doesn't want to include me in this special time for her (showing her new house to friends for the first time).

and i have to admit, i texted the friend who's engaged to ask what she was doing tonight and if she and her bf wanted to go out as i haven't seen him since he got back from a military thing, but instead of telling me what she was really doing she just said they couldn't because they were broke. now i know she didnt lie and i feel bad for trying to get her to spill it to me but still it hurts to be sitting here at home on saturday night waiting hoping that they'll say HEY we forgot to mention to her to come join us! i know that's not going to happen and i should just go out with some other friends around here who all happen to be guys. they're a fun bunch, but i miss my girls :(

thanks for allowing me to vent that

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 4:22pm

Oh, WOW.

I guess this really proves it. And you know, these women were once single too....why don't they realize how HURTFUL it is?

I don't get it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 6:36pm
I just recently met someone and now recently a part of a couple so now I'm kind of on the other side of this. I have a good friend who is having difficulties with me finding someone. Read my post "on the other side of the friendship thing" I want to try my best to include her even when there are couples outings and I don't think she's going to be ready to do that anytime soon. How do I help her out and encourage her during this time that I'm still there and still want to include her even with me wanting to go out with my new man too? Of course I want to do only girls things and not invite him all the time but I want her to be able to go out with us and his friends sometimes and also be able to bring him along with our firends outings. I just don't think she will be ready for this anytime soon though. Maybe she just needs to adjust to things and that's all but I'm hoping to get our friendship back at least close to the way it was before I met this man.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 12:44am

Are you assuming she wouldn't be ok with it or have you asked her and she's said so?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 1:14am
I'm assuming that she wouldn't be ok with it because of a couple of comments she made in the past of feeling like a 3rd wheel. Before making assumptions I should ask her and see what she says, actually invite her out with us. Sometimes I think that I will know what someone will say or how they will react especially if I've known them for a long time but I know that I can't make assumptions and I have to find out from the source.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2006
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 12:27pm

ok, I only managed to get through the first 15 replies. What about a girls' night out? It's important to maintain yourself and your friendships, and these engaged/married women should appreciate that opportunity with you.

You might discover though that you 3 have grown apart in different ways and may not quite connect the same as before. If that is the case, then you won't feel so bad to feel so excluded from their lives.

good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 1:09pm
YES!
I have the same problem you do. I am recently single back in my hometown where my good friends are in relationships. It does sucks to be excluded most of the time. Its kind of sad that your two friends entire existence revolves around their men. Don't they have lives of their own? Anyway the truth is that they will continue to exclude you... You might want to get out there and meet new people. You can do this by getting yourself involved in hobbies such as scuba diving, book clubs, meeting people on myspace, school, yoga classes... Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 11:53am

Time to make some new friends.

I've been married and single. And I still maintained friendships with all my friends, coupled or single. So it can be done, it's the effort you put in that makes friendships special. If your friends are not willing to put in the effort now that they are married, well than there is nothing you can do about that, you can tell them how you feel and they may try to include you more but my experience is that there are people who recognize that you need to maintain friendships even when coupled and those that don't. I suspect despite talking to your friends, they will still continue to do a lot of things with their "coupled" friends and further exclude you.

I have let go of several friendships through the years, it's a difficult thing to do, I have had friendships since grade school, but when you figure out that the only time you talk to someone is when you pick up the phone, or when you send an email, etc. What kind of a friendship do you really have??? I mean it's more of an aquaintance friendship at that point and you are most likely maintaining it due to the history. I had a friend that I've been friends with since I was in jr. high, she was my best friend, her and her husband have financial issues. Constantly having their phone shut off, I cannot ever just call her because when I do the phone is shut off, so it will take about two years before she'll finally contact me again (even though my parents have had the same phone number since we moved into that house when I was 3, 30 years ago!!!) so it just got to the point of why am I putting in all this effort to maintain a friendship when it obviously is just not worth it to her. She puts in no effort and I have plently of people that want to be included in my life that really make the effort. SO I wrote her a letter, explained my position, gave her all my contact info, my home phone, my mom's phone, my cell phone, my work phone, my email address and my mailing address. I told her if I didn't hear back from her at all I would take that as my cue that she was no longer interested in a friendship and I'd be on my way. She never did a thing. So that was it. I washed my hands and I don't feel bad about it, this was probably in the spring, just two weeks ago I got an email from classmates asking me to add her to my network. HUH???? Give me a break.

I have a friend who I met here on Ivillage, she is married and has 3 kids, one who is a little older but one that she just had last month and another that is turning two in February, she makes time for me, we email each other, we talk on the phone and we visit when we can. It's not difficult to maintain friendships. YOu just have to have the desire to and put in a little effort.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2006
Thu, 11-23-2006 - 5:11pm
ooooooooh, I understand how you feel. I felt like my best friend abandoned me as well when I broke up with my bf, and I did all those same things, too, for her, more or less!!! Ooooooh, makes me mad still and it's been over 2 years. The last straw or the extra nail in the coffin was that after Katrina (I live in New Orleans, and it was a year and a half since she had moved out and gotten married), she rambled on about the difficulties of making a career decision because her baby was being born in the near future. I had to tell her that my entire life changed in 48 hours and she had had 9 months to prepare for her life change! That sucked! And, needless to say, she has never called again in over a year to check up on me and my recovery in New Orleans.

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