The Exclusivity Talk

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
The Exclusivity Talk
30
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 11:51am

So, I've never had to have this talk before (never had the opportunity as most guys didn't last past a few weeks) but things have been going really well with the guy I am seeing now. We've been dating regularly for almost 5 months, seeing each other every week, staying over each other's places and communicating in between with plenty of reciprocal 'miss yous' and 'cant wait to see you's' and 'thinking of yous'. Where I wasn't sure before, I'm getting more attached to him and thinking of having the exclusivity within the next month or so.

I've never done this before and I'm not sure how to broach it so it seems less pressured and doesn't put him on the spot. Any suggestions or stories to share?

Just thinking of this is making me incredibly nervous, but I am prepared to walk and say goodbye if he doesn't feel the same.

Suggestions, please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 9:08am

I know, I'm being a total wimp. I just feel that there is a good chance he won't want to be exclusive and that means I'll have to end it and I so enjoy being with him that I'm not ready to walk yet (yes, I'm a punk). Then at least I could have had my fun with him for the whole summer.

But yes, Sept. is 6 months and that is it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 9:11am
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2005
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 12:08pm
I would probably not say anything. A lot of them feel smothered when they hear things like that. I would make sure that you are monogamous. Don't assume anything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 8:13pm

wondering how it went , if she's asked the guy yet?

i've done it differently with each boyfriend. but, with all my bfs, they have made it clear they want exclusivity... but its usually been me to ask , what the heck is up w/ us?
almost every bf i've had, after ive asked it, they are like "duh, we're together"... most guys seem to assume that if they haev been with you that long (i.e. a few months) then your it. Now, i know its not every guy, but that is what ive experienced.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 9:02am

Nope, haven't asked yet. I'm waiting until September. He is performing at a show then and I'd really like to be able to go and if things didn't work out, I wouldn't be able to, so I'm waiting for a few more weeks.

Sheepish, I know, but I really do enjoy his company and I'm not ready to walk away just yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 10:29pm

I've been "dating" someone 5 months or so and he's said little things that have skirted around the official "talk". He's said as much to me in little ways such as the "L" word and saying he couldn't want anything more and talks of wanting to marry and be together "full time".

Maybe he's already expressed his desire in his own way. I think his behavior says it all. The guy works 2 jobs and still has time to be with you and is making the effort, that's pretty good!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 9:38pm

Ok, so I think I am am going to have the talk with him the next time I see him, which may be tomorrow. I'll really nervous, scared and a little hurt because I'm feeling really discouraged right now.

We tried to get together twice this weekend and both times it didn't work out, but he seems very concerned and still very much interested in seeing me. He always follows up with 'miss you' texts and lets me know he's thinking of me.

I sent him a text today letting him know he was on my mind. His response- your on my mind as well, what are you thinking about though? I responded with 'sometimes I wonder what you're thinking, feeling and doing etc. He then asked what I meant. I said I just feel like I know so little about you and I wish I could learn more. He then responded with 'I wish you could too, I wish I had more time' I didn't think much of it initially cause I think he's being realistic, but now its hitting me: his lack of time is going to prevent him from getting very close to me and possibly dating me exclusively.

He then told me he plans on hanging out with his roomies tomorrow on his day off since he hasn't had any time with them in awhile, but that he'd love for me to come along. I agreed. If we get some alone time, I'm hoping to talk to him and get an idea of how he really feels. For all intents and purposes, he seems very into me, but his work schedule is crazy and I know he feels like his life is too unstable right now. I'm hurting already cause I don't wanna walk away from this adorably sweet guy.

Let's hope my gut instincts are wrong for a change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2006
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 9:47am
Hope it goes well. It seems like he really cares so I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2006
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 9:58am
It's not as hard as you think it is. I would just say, "Hey, are we exclusive or not? I'd like to think we are but what's your opinion?" Let him take it from there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 10:30am

You're probably right in that I'm making this a bigger deal than it it.

I've just never done this before. I've only been in one relationship and my ex knew he wanted me the moment he laid eyes on me. And I've had a long string of bad luck in only meeting guys who are afraid of dating and exclusivity so I'm extra nervous.

But we'll see.