The Exclusivity Talk

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
The Exclusivity Talk
30
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 11:51am

So, I've never had to have this talk before (never had the opportunity as most guys didn't last past a few weeks) but things have been going really well with the guy I am seeing now. We've been dating regularly for almost 5 months, seeing each other every week, staying over each other's places and communicating in between with plenty of reciprocal 'miss yous' and 'cant wait to see you's' and 'thinking of yous'. Where I wasn't sure before, I'm getting more attached to him and thinking of having the exclusivity within the next month or so.

I've never done this before and I'm not sure how to broach it so it seems less pressured and doesn't put him on the spot. Any suggestions or stories to share?

Just thinking of this is making me incredibly nervous, but I am prepared to walk and say goodbye if he doesn't feel the same.

Suggestions, please!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 1:49pm
cl214,
not to be nosy, but i've been thinking about your talk, and hoping it went well!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 7:10pm

Ok, the talk update.

I'd love to say I'm blissfully happy but its not that simple. I brought up the talk very casually after a movie and an all-around cozy evening. We got into kissing and cuddling and I just came out and told him I was only interested in seeing him and hoped he felt the same way. Though he isn't seeing anyone else and has no real desire to, he did express these concerns about getting into a relationship.

1) the time issue- he works crazy hours and several jobs and the time factor has ruined most of his past dating situations. The exes have also said it wouldn't be an issue but eventually it was and he always got dumped. Right now I see him once a week and we talk periodically in between.

2) his terrible insecurities- for some strange reason, he does not think very highly of himself and believes that he messes up everything in dating. He admitted to battling bouts of depression in the past, being on meds and seeing a weekly therapist for his self-esteem problems. He's scared to death to disappoint me. I tried to reassure him that everyone makes mistakes and that you learn from then and try to prevent them in the future but that you can't be so terrified of making mistakes that you never enter things altogether. I think he is way too hard on himself. He always apologizes to me over eveything when it really isn't that serious.

3) his baggage- apparently he is so used to girls just hanging with him until something better comes along that he assumes I will too and actually encouraged me to keep my options open in case I meet someone better. He said yeah it will bother him if I dated other men but he is so used to not being "the guy" that he always assumes the worst. This and his fear that everything will change is what makes him "so scared" to be in a relationship. He is used to girls just coming and going in his life and leaving for better. I've had the same experiences.

I was at a total loss. I had no intention of trying to convince him or sway him but instead of a yes or no answer, I felt he said things that I wanted to further explore. We talked for a good while, about his fears and issues but what it came down to is that neither of us has any desire to date anyone else at this time which is all I'm concerned about. I just hated being in an open dating situation where he could meet and fall for someone else (which has happened more than once). So we agreed to be exclusive.

So I got what I wanted but the other things do concern me. I've never met a guy with self-esteem issues. I just know that he is very sweet, sincere, caring and lovable and those traits make me even more attracted to him. We've agreed to just worry about having fun together and nothing else. Go in this with no expectations. And that is fine with me. Things have been cool and I don't want to worry about down the line.

Don't know where the road will take us but I'm going to try to just enjoy whatever time I have with him and not worry about tomorrow.

If nothing else, my biggest hope is that I can be a positive influence on him and build his self esteem and confidence up a bit. Yeah, it is a long shot but when I see a person in need, especially with issues I can relate to, its hard for me to just walk away and give up on them. Only time will tell.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 6:14pm

i am glad to hear that you guys talked - i was thinking that i probably would have chickened out if i were you! sometimes i take the 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it' (perhaps 'scaredy-cat' would be more apt) approach, but that can sometimes block growth. talking is good.

it's a bummer he seems to have such a hard time with self-esteem, but i guess we can all relate to that in some ways.

just one word of caution, which may not be applicable in your situation. i seriously dated a guy with big self-esteem issues, and there was *nothing* i could do to fix them. i thought i could, too - really, what could be a bigger boost than a cute, adoring girl that's all his? - but i was really wrong. and when we broke up, i felt like i had failed. only years later do i see these were things that were no one's responsibility but his. i learned that it's probably best for me to sometimes accept issues, but not entangle myself in them too much. it makes the stakes too high for both people in the relationship.

it sounds like you have your eyes open, and i hope you continue to enjoy dating one another! thanks for the update!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 09-04-2006 - 3:50am

I'm not saying this to be mean, but just to help you out, so please understand that, b/c I know this will be difficult to hear. Why do you care that "If nothing else, my biggest hope is that I can be a positive influence on him and build his self esteem and confidence up a bit." Do you REALLY feel that way? Are you really in this as nothing more than a savior and with no expectations for yourself?? I sincerely hope not. I hope you are looking for someone who can LOVe you as much as your love HIM.

Don't you want a guy who ALREADY has self esteem and is willing to commit to you, chase you and not let you be "won" over by other guys???? You cannot fix someone else's self esteem. Any healthy person knows that and also wants to be with an equally healthy person. Instead, you are using your own lack of self esteem to play the "rescuer" role here (ie save him from himself and help him) in the hopes that binds him to you or makes him loyal to you. Ifyou really want a healthy relationship, find someone who has enough self esteem that YOU don't have to build it up and can devote himself to you completely. Otherwise, you'll just find that as soon as you build his self esteem, he'll dump you for someone he considers more worthy of the new and improved him (b/c as a sick rule of nature those with TRUE high self esteem want nothing to do with those who do not have it).

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 09-04-2006 - 10:38am

Ok, I think you are way off base.

First, my reason for being with him are because he treats me well, makes me feel good and we have a good time together, 3 things I have yet to find in any other guy I've dated and I've dated quite a bit. I'm not looking for a husband right now.

Second, my reasons for wanting to help him out is as a being a friend. I've been where he is before and what helped me was having good people in my life to support me and help me see that I was a worthwhile person. Obviously, his issues are way deep, so I don't expect a huge turn around just cause of me. It really has to come through him and with some counseling. So no, I don't expect that will change, but as someone who cares, I can't see ignoring those issues. I wouldn't dump my good friends because of their self esteem issues, I'd try to help them. If it doesn't work, I can at least say I tried and maybe some things will stick down the line. My exboyfriend was a huge positive influence on me and helped me overcome many things. It doesn't matter to me that it didn't work out, his support has stayed with me.

Third, I do have a healthy self esteem and his lack of that has nothing to do with mine. I am what you call "a caring person" who does not need to associate myself with people on my same perceived 'level'.

And lastly, I really don't understand the line of thinking that because this guy isn't everything I could ever hope for in a man ie. everything on The Checklist, I should drop him and move on. What I am getting out of this is fun and companionship which is all I need right now. True, he cannot provide me with the committed relationship I'd like so I am being realistic in not expecting that. We are not in love, nor will it likely lead that way. We are just casually dating and enjoying our time together. We've just decided not to see others at this time. I've gotten burned so many times by remaining in a open dating situation that this was my only concern.

True, this may not work out in the long run but that wouldn't make it any different from any other dating situation. Nor would I see our time together as a waste.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 09-04-2006 - 11:48am

I think that I read your post the way riskit did, and I understand your view but kind of share hers as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 09-04-2006 - 12:05pm

I appreciate your concern, Shywon. I really do. I honestly don't know what to do.

I know I have fun with him and would rather have that than nothing. But I do know I'd rather have a meaningful, lasting relationship but it just seems like its just dumb luck in finding one and I have no control over that.

Sure, I can open up options, but right now there are none and most guys who approach me (and that is very, very few) don't want anything but something very casual. I'd folow my heart but is steers me wrong every time which is why I don't trust my own judgement and seek the advice from others.

I don't know what todo. I guess I should reevaluate.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 09-04-2006 - 4:36pm

I understand completely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2006
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 9:18am

Please, please don't take this the wrong way or think we're bashing you because I'm certainly not, but I do agree with riskitgirl on this. This guy clearly doesn't want a relationship and is NOT relationship material because of this self esteem issues. It's not your job to try to fix this guy and build him up hoping he'll thank you for it and grow closer to you. I've done that with exes myself only to find once their self esteem is built, they believe they can go out there and become players and where did that leave you? DUMPED!

We're only trying to help you. If you want to still see him, then continue to do so but I would definitely keep looking for more healthier guys to be with and not stay exclusive to him. Because trust me, what riskitgirl said is true, once these types of men get their self esteem back, it's adios to you and they don't look back. Please don't go on the notion that something is better than nothing. That just draws more heartache for you. He's clearly reaping the rewards of someone to hang out with and sleep with without being tied down to you. I think you deserve better. I really do. Even if you just date yourself and hang out with friends until that special guy comes along. You're so young like me so what's the rush?




Edited 9/5/2006 9:23 am ET by ivil_mami25
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 9:34am
I am taking what you and shywon and riskit are saying into consideration in deciding what to do. I plan on talking to him sometime this week but I am pretty sure I am going to end it. It will be hard but I guess that is what is best.

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