family/single life

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
family/single life
19
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 10:35am

I don't know if anyone has this problem, but the problem is parents. See I have an extremely controling father, who doesn't think that people, especially not "young girls" can do anything right without his involvement. He doesn't trust me at all (even though I have never really done anything wrong in my life) and he thinks I am naive and asking for trouble all the time (case in point and current problem, see the moving thread).

I know for a fact that if I were married or even had a boyfriend that was involved in my life my dad would not be nearly as severe and controling. But he thinks that since I am alone, I have to depend on my family for everything. He gets himself involved in every detail. He doesn't think it is safe for people to go places or do things alone. Also since I am girl he inherintly thinks I need a man to protect me, and since I don't have one, he overly tries to fill that role every second of my life. Since I don't have a man in my life, I am thus expected to always be with my family at all times. He thinks I shouldn't have even moved out of the house until I was married.

The problem is, as much as I try to avoid it, there are times when I do need another person to help with something and thus it has to be my family. (for instance, my car got towed once, so I had to call them for a ride. I still hear about how I *have* to live by myself in the city where they tow cars, and how when I screw up, he has to bail me out). So I find that this is really the only reason I need a boyfriend. I know that I can do most things myself, but at the times when I actually physically do need someone else, I would like to have someone close enough to me to do these sorts of favors. You can't ask friends or coworkers to do certain things. But instead, since i don't have anyone that close, it always has to be my dad. sometimes I try to skirt around him and go directly to my brother for help, but that doesn't always work. For a prime example, if I had a boyfriend who could help me move next month, I wouldn't even be discussing any of it with my father, and he wouldn't be on my back because I wouldn't be doing this alone. I don't know it's probably stupid, but I really need a boyfriend so I can distance myself from my family a bit.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 11:18am
Sounds tough, but honestly a boyfriend is not the answer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 11:24am
well I'm not saying I would date *anyone* to solve the problem, but I do think if I had one it would help a lot and things would be different. That's not relying on someone else to solve the problem, that's just saying, in a different situation, this wouldn't be happening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 11:31am

That's lousy.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 11:37am

well my dad doesn't understand why anyone would life alone when they could live with their family. It has its roots in old-school cultural stuff, though my parents wouldn't come off so much as "old school." Really, my father believes that everyone in the family is responsible for everyone else.

In terms of not having male friends, I don't really have any close ones anymore, but even so, there are certain things you ask family members or significant others for that you can't ask friends for. Like when my car got towed- I have a couple friends with cars, but I couldn't ask them to disrupt their day in the middle of the week to give me a ride somewhere. Most times I just need *someone* else, doesn't necessarily need to be male (though sometimes it does, like even when I stand on a ladder I can't reach my light bulbs to change them). I would usually ask my brother, but he's been away at school for the past 4 years and now he's also moving somewhere else. Oh well after I move I won't have anyone to help with anything, which could be very good.

You what I just thought of...last fall I went to london. and I had this huge bag that would have made it difficult to take the subway all the way to the airport. the guy I was dating at the time happened to have off work that day so he drove me to the airport. It was honestly amazing. Even though he wasn't my boyfriend, I couldn't help thinking, this is what having a boyfriend would be like. My dad called and asked if I wanted him to give me a ride and I could say, "no thanks, jeff is taking me."




Edited 6/28/2005 11:48 am ET ET by buggie10
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 12:17pm

It IS harder to be single than "coupled up" or "friended up" sometimes.

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Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 12:37pm

Have you spoken to him about it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 12:38pm
well his suggestion, and the only thing he feels is right, is for me to get rid of everything I own and buy all new stuff when I get there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 12:51pm
oh, I stand up to him all the time shywon. but really, it just makes me more of a horrible kid in his eyes. he always says that he never disagreed with his father, and that all fathers are always right. I've been arguing with him on this issue in particular for days, I could site experts in the field, build a 200-page disseration on any arguement and I will never be right. He literally thinks he needs to be involved in and control everything. and then after the fact, he complains about that he has to do everything for everyone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 1:00pm

Hrmm...a tough situation.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 1:02pm

That's when you say "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm an adult and I make my own decisions.

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