Fear of Dating
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| Wed, 04-05-2006 - 6:04pm |
Hey All! So here goes: I'm terrified of dating. I just turned 23 a few days ago and decided that I need to nip this thing in the bud because I feel too old to be this scared of something so stupid!
My biggest problem is that I HATE rejecting people who express interest in me. I just put myself in their shoes and think, "Wow, if I put myself out there that that and got shot down I'd be CRUSHED!" I guess most people don't like rejecting people, but I think I take it to an extreme. I try my best to avoid any situation where I might even be hit on. For example, when I go out to places like clubs or bars, I always bring my (gay) best friend with me, and people usually assume he's my boyfriend (he's not very flamboyant - in fact our landlord of over a year JUST NOW found out he's not my bf! I have no idea why she thought we needed two bedrooms... haha :-p). I even have thought about buying a fake wedding ring (my guys friends unanimously said that wouldn't work).
Anyway, I know this is stupid and I really don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. So a month ago I joined a dating website. My logic was that it would be easier than meeting people other ways because communication would be by email and so I wouldn't be as "put on the spot". Well I got many many more emails than I expected and started freaking out (of course). But I'm proud to say that I stuck with it and actually agreed to meet a few guys in person. Well, I didn't feel anything really special with any of them, and I decided I just couldn't take the stress of it all any more, so I got off the website and sent just about everyone I had been talking to but hadn't met emails saying I had met someone (not true).
Now my dilemma is that there are a few guys that I've been on a few dates each with but that I'm not particularly attracted to, and I don't know what to tell them. I feel like my saying I'm not interested after they were so nice to me is really mean! I also feel so guilty that I don't feel anything for them because it's not like I think I'm some hot catch or anything! Honestly, they all have great personalities, successful jobs, etc. The fact that they would want to date me at all is pretty baffling haha. Also, once I finally stop seeing these guys, I'm back to square one - never wanting to date again.
Am I just crazy? Does anyone have any recommendations??
For background, (in case it helps) I've only really had one serious boyfriend (from age 17-21), and have had less serious relationships with 2 other guys. I worry that the fear of rejecting guys might have something to do with having a couple guys not take no for an answer (when I was 14 and 21), but in my head I know that not everyone takes rejection THAT badly! (and FYI I wasn't raped either time, but was kinda assaulted)
SORRY this is so LONG! Haha I guess I needed to vent... about myself :-p

I hate turning people down as well. There's no easy way to do it, and the person always gets at least a little hurt.
But, if you can tell yourself that their ego will just be bruised temporarily, that helps. They won't be crushed, it won't ruin their life, they will move on. I know seeing that hurt look on a guy's face, or hearing that crack in their voice when they realize you have just said you're not interested is difficult -- but the alternative is missing out on a great guy who you are interested in because of your fear.
Next time a guy you're not interested in asks you out for a second date, just say "I'm not sure we're the best match." Short and sweet is usually best. And, it's usually best to not string them along -- be direct, kind, and then move on without guilt. It happens to all of us, and it's a part of life.
And above all, enjoy dating! Go out there and find a guy who makes you laugh, feel good, and someone you really enjoy spending time with.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
It's really hard to tell people things that you think they don't want to hear, but remember that they may be thinking the same thing. Also keep in mind that just because you don't want to date them doesn't necessarily mean the two of you couldn't be friends right? Maybe throw that out there. Then you have made a friend out of the deal. And we can all use more friends in our lives.
Also I would talk to a counselor regarding your previous experiences. Just because you believe they weren't a big deal, they may still be affecting your actions towards men now. I'm not an expert but I would say that there may be a posibility.
Good luck
I agree with most of what TGC and chloekins said. You need to get out there. It also seems like it might be a good idea to talk about your past with a professional. It probably won't hurt and it will likely help reduce your fears. I have to mildly disagree with chloekins; the whole "friends" thing rings pretty hollow to most guys when a woman offers that as an alternative to dating. If I want to be your friend I would ask you to be my friend. I was asking for a date, not a friend. Maybe that is just me.
Maybe if you think of it this way it might help... Most guys will be just fine dealing with the rejection/disappointment of not getting a date with you. Now, I mean this is the most supportive way, but I doubt you are such an amazing woman that a guy won't be able to survive without you. Sure, a date would be nice, but life will go on without it. So I suggest trying to find a balance between self-confidence and knowing you aren't God's gift to men.
oneroomschooltchrguy: Oh my God! I DEFINITELY don't think I'm God's gift to men IN ANY WAY!! I even said in my post: "it's not like I think I'm some hot catch or anything"! I actually feel like I'm being ungrateful for not having feelings for these guys that are really good guys all things considered. Like I'm looking a gift horse in the mouth or something. I think if I were God's gift to men I'd have a BOYFRIEND at least! But seriously, I don't have lots of self confidence at all. I mean, every woman gets hit on. I don't feel like I'm anything special!
I just know that I try to treat everyone like I would want to be treated. And if I had enough courage to ask someone out, I would be REALLY upset if they rejected me. And it would be a long ass time before I put myself out there again. I don't want to make anyone feel bad about themselves or lose self confidence. It's not at all that I think their lives won't go on without a date with me!
Anyway, thanks everyone for all the responses. I think honestly I'm going to put off trying to date again for a while. I put on a few pounds recently ("Katrina weight" from being displaced for months and eating cake to cheer up :-p), and I don't think I'd make a good girlfriend to anyone while I'm feeling so bad about myself. But maybe once I do decide to "jump in" again, I'll talk to someone to make sure no stuff from my past in standing in my way. :)
Well at least you don't seem to think I'm arrogant anymore... :-p
Anyway, I appreciate the advice. I figure now is as good a time as any to see someone since my city (New Orleans) was just destroyed, and my life was in complete limbo for about 5 months. Who would fault me for needing to vent? :)
As for the other things you mentioned, my confidence and self esteem are only bad when it comes to dating/relationships and my looks. The rest I'm cool with. My eating habits were a result of evacuating and staying with friends/family for months. Since I've returned, I've lost 10 pounds (10 more to go) under doctor's supervision by eating better (no sugar, junk, etc.) and working out again (my gym finally reopened). And I'm not depressed, at least not more than anyone else on the Gulf Coast haha, but I'm told that I can be very hard on myself and overly self-critical, so I guess that's an issue.
Thanks again :)
Anyone who has gone through that kind of upheaval would be distressed, depressed and unsure. It's ok to feel all of those things, and I agree that it can be incredibly helpful to talk to a professional about these things. It's nice to get an outside, objective perspective. They also can really help you learn to stop negative thoughts and replay more positive thoughts about yourself.
I am sure you are a pretty girl whether you have a few extra pounds or not. I am sure you have a lot to offer as a friend and a girlfriend. Just remind yourself of all the things that make you *you* and how great you are.
AJ, enjoying life with C.