Feel like I'm failing my single friend
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Feel like I'm failing my single friend
| Wed, 01-10-2007 - 3:06pm |
I think the title says it all and I think you guys might remember me posting about her Dad passing away and me trying my best to be supportive. Well, she is constantly getting upset with me if I'm not there on a whim for her on certain days when I'm spending the day with my boyfriend. Maybe I could be trying harder but I feel as if I do care and I am trying and I'm always worried about how she's doing and have talked to her everyday on the phone and try my best to hang out with her a couple of times a week but I don't think it's enough for her really. I don't know if anything will be enough because she is in so much pain. If I try too much harder I will feel like I'm beginning to compromise my own happiness. At the same time though, I know how she must be feeling and I can put myself in her shoes, so it makes me feel even worse about the situation. I'm doing my best to enjoy my new relationship and it's easy to hang out with him often because I really am enjoying his company and think we have something good and he lives very close to me so it makes it that much easier to get carried away and spend a lot of time with him. At the same time though, I know what it must be like to feel the way she does and I might have been in the same boat if it was the other way around. I just don't know what to do. I have done some really nice things for her. I have suggested some really good meetings for her to go to for grieving, talked to her over the phone several times and also have made plans to hang out and have accepted her invitations to hang out. I just don't know what else I can do. I'm sad that maybe this friendship might come to an end and I just don't want that to happen. Just needed to vent, thanks for listening and if you have any advice, comments, feel free to share. I just honestly wish that our friendship could be the same like when we were both single but I know that it will change and I'm having a hard time accepting that I can't make it be the same and I can't compromise my own happiness for another person even though I mean well and I know she's struggling.

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You see her a couple times a week and talk to her every day? Gosh, that's way more than I see or talk to my closest friends, even when they are going through a hard time. BUT the key is, they all have other good friends and/or family to share the load, if you will. It sounds like your friend expects you to be everything to her and she doesn't have any other support system, is that true? Does she have a therapist?
I don't think it's cool for her to be getting upset with you if you can't see her on a whim. Even if you didn't have a BF, you'd need to set some healthy boundaries with her.
I think you should continue to do what you're doing and be clear with her that you are doing the best you can. If that's not enough for her, then she needs to find other people to turn to when you're not available.
Sheri
I have lost a parent, and I can tell you that unless you've experienced it, you don't know the pain (I can't remember if you have or not).
Well, do your best to be supportive (which it sounds like you are) but don't beat yourself up if you can't be everything to her--it's impossible for any one person to fill that role and hopefully she realizes that on some level.
I thought you were seeing her more often than you would normally (again, because the amount of contact you're having with her seems like it's very high to me so I'd feel very supported in her shoes) so that's where I was coming from. But if it's actually less than you were seeing her, then I guess that makes sense that she'd be upset. But OTOH, as unfortunate as it is, it's not your fault or responsibility that you are her only support system so she needs to reach out to others if you can't do more than you are.
Sheri
Do you have any single friends whom she may get on well with, male or female? She sounds like she needs some sort of diversion. I was going to suggest meetings, but I see that you have already thought of that ... does she have many other friends to lean on? Other family members?
It sounds as if you have been very gracious. Don't beat yourself up about all of this. You are only one person, you can only do so much. The girl has lost a family member, you are not going to be able to fill that void, nobody can.
I think she definitely needs to find some kind of support group. Did she seem interested in such?
I'm sorry to hear she's not really speaking to you right now--that's an unfortunate response, but of course she's probably not thinking clearly right now. I think you should continue to call her daily and just let her know you are thinking of her and are around if she wants to talk, even if she's not calling you back.
Sheri
Bottom line, you have to put yourself first. You are making an effort to be there for her, but you don't have to be "on call" for her all the time. You can't be a good friend, girlfriend, daughter, etc. until you are first taking care of your own needs.
Part of grieving is learning to accept what has happened, and part of acceptance is getting used to "a new normal" (as said by my friend who just lost her mom). Your friend's new normal includes you being in a relationship. She may not be happy with that, but it's reality.
Make time for her, spend time with her, but don't give up your own life out of guilt. She will get better in stages, and that will include needing to lean on you less.
You might also try to help her find a support group for grieving and loss. It might help her a lot to talk to other people dealing with the same pain.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
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