Feel like I'm failing my single friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Feel like I'm failing my single friend
17
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 3:06pm
I think the title says it all and I think you guys might remember me posting about her Dad passing away and me trying my best to be supportive. Well, she is constantly getting upset with me if I'm not there on a whim for her on certain days when I'm spending the day with my boyfriend. Maybe I could be trying harder but I feel as if I do care and I am trying and I'm always worried about how she's doing and have talked to her everyday on the phone and try my best to hang out with her a couple of times a week but I don't think it's enough for her really. I don't know if anything will be enough because she is in so much pain. If I try too much harder I will feel like I'm beginning to compromise my own happiness. At the same time though, I know how she must be feeling and I can put myself in her shoes, so it makes me feel even worse about the situation. I'm doing my best to enjoy my new relationship and it's easy to hang out with him often because I really am enjoying his company and think we have something good and he lives very close to me so it makes it that much easier to get carried away and spend a lot of time with him. At the same time though, I know what it must be like to feel the way she does and I might have been in the same boat if it was the other way around. I just don't know what to do. I have done some really nice things for her. I have suggested some really good meetings for her to go to for grieving, talked to her over the phone several times and also have made plans to hang out and have accepted her invitations to hang out. I just don't know what else I can do. I'm sad that maybe this friendship might come to an end and I just don't want that to happen. Just needed to vent, thanks for listening and if you have any advice, comments, feel free to share. I just honestly wish that our friendship could be the same like when we were both single but I know that it will change and I'm having a hard time accepting that I can't make it be the same and I can't compromise my own happiness for another person even though I mean well and I know she's struggling.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 6:48pm

You see her a couple times a week and talk to her every day? Gosh, that's way more than I see or talk to my closest friends, even when they are going through a hard time. BUT the key is, they all have other good friends and/or family to share the load, if you will. It sounds like your friend expects you to be everything to her and she doesn't have any other support system, is that true? Does she have a therapist?

I don't think it's cool for her to be getting upset with you if you can't see her on a whim. Even if you didn't have a BF, you'd need to set some healthy boundaries with her.

I think you should continue to do what you're doing and be clear with her that you are doing the best you can. If that's not enough for her, then she needs to find other people to turn to when you're not available.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 8:22pm
I am actually her main support here in San Diego, in fact we were closest to eachother than we were to our other friends and even family sometime. So we were in a way, kind of like each other's family. That's what makes this so tough. I especially know that she doesn't have any family that is supportive at this time where as I had my loving aunts and uncles who I could call whenever I needed to talk. I also had a support group and friends in the program I could count on. She has started going to meetings for people who are grieving at my suggestion and I'm hoping that will help and I'm doing my best to set healthy boundaries but there also is a big part of me that knows that she is going to go through her ups and downs and it's different when a friend is going through the grieving process and the way you handle things is different. In fact, they say that you should be there more often than you normally would be during this time because they appreciate just having you there and especially when I'm one of her best friends and really her only good friend here in San Diego. I don't think I've been going about this the best way and I'm trying not to beat myself up because I'm only human, but maybe I can try to do things a little bit differently but also at the same time tell her that she can't just automatically get upset with me when she's feeling lonely and hurt, she has to tell me what she needs and what I can do to help and if I'm not avaialable at the time she has to understand this too. This is a really difficult situation that I know I'm not equipped to handle right now.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 9:46pm

I have lost a parent, and I can tell you that unless you've experienced it, you don't know the pain (I can't remember if you have or not).

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 10:35pm

Well, do your best to be supportive (which it sounds like you are) but don't beat yourself up if you can't be everything to her--it's impossible for any one person to fill that role and hopefully she realizes that on some level.

I thought you were seeing her more often than you would normally (again, because the amount of contact you're having with her seems like it's very high to me so I'd feel very supported in her shoes) so that's where I was coming from. But if it's actually less than you were seeing her, then I guess that makes sense that she'd be upset. But OTOH, as unfortunate as it is, it's not your fault or responsibility that you are her only support system so she needs to reach out to others if you can't do more than you are.

Sheri

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 11:22pm

Do you have any single friends whom she may get on well with, male or female? She sounds like she needs some sort of diversion. I was going to suggest meetings, but I see that you have already thought of that ... does she have many other friends to lean on? Other family members?

It sounds as if you have been very gracious. Don't beat yourself up about all of this. You are only one person, you can only do so much. The girl has lost a family member, you are not going to be able to fill that void, nobody can.

I think she definitely needs to find some kind of support group. Did she seem interested in such?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 10:59am
Thanks for your support Sheri. I guess I have been a little more available to just hang out whenever and do whatever in the past but I'm less so now and I think this is what's bothering her the most. I don't think I'm hanging out with her any less than I used to because i remember weeks where we could only see each other once a week because of crazy busyness on both of our parts. She never gets upset with me if I'm taking a dance class during the weekend or hanging out with other friends and can't talk but she does get upset when she finds out I'm spending the day with my boyfriend. The main issue here is availability and that fact that I'm hanging out with him. I know it's not my fault or responsibility and I shouldnt' blame myself and I'm not sure why I'm beating myself up so much for this. Maybe it's because I can put myself in her shoes and think of how she's feeling and I do care but no matter how much I'm able to do that and how bad I'm feeling it's not going to change how she's feeling or help her any and I'm struggling with this. I guess it's my codependency coming out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 11:09am
The meetings she is going to is kind of like a support group for people who have lost family members and she went to her first one a few days ago. I think it went well but she's not really speaking to me right now so I can't really know how much it helped. She has her first counseling appointment in a couple of weeks so I'm hoping that goes well too. I did suggest that she do both and she accepted and is taking action to do them which is good. I also know a few really awesome single women who I hang out with from time to time when we get together for dinner and I am good friends with one of them, we talk all the time on the phone. I tried my best to incorporate her into that group but she never really made that much of an effort to get close with them. She would tell me that she thinks they are cool but doesn't have much in common etc etc. although I do think she has a lot in common with them and gets along well with them when she does come out with us in a group. I know it is her choice, but in a way I think she is kind of leading to her own demise. She kind of shuts people out and has been known to do that. Maybe she's afraid of intimacy. So maybe there isn't anything I can do about it. I know it's really unfortunate. I think I can try a little bit harder especially during this hard time of grieving but when she's shutting me out now that's really hard to do. I'm hoping things work for the best, it's hard............
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 11:28am

I'm sorry to hear she's not really speaking to you right now--that's an unfortunate response, but of course she's probably not thinking clearly right now. I think you should continue to call her daily and just let her know you are thinking of her and are around if she wants to talk, even if she's not calling you back.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 11:49am
I agree with what Sheri said.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 12:30pm

Bottom line, you have to put yourself first. You are making an effort to be there for her, but you don't have to be "on call" for her all the time. You can't be a good friend, girlfriend, daughter, etc. until you are first taking care of your own needs.

Part of grieving is learning to accept what has happened, and part of acceptance is getting used to "a new normal" (as said by my friend who just lost her mom). Your friend's new normal includes you being in a relationship. She may not be happy with that, but it's reality.

Make time for her, spend time with her, but don't give up your own life out of guilt. She will get better in stages, and that will include needing to lean on you less.

You might also try to help her find a support group for grieving and loss. It might help her a lot to talk to other people dealing with the same pain.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

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