Feel like I'm failing my single friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Feel like I'm failing my single friend
17
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 3:06pm
I think the title says it all and I think you guys might remember me posting about her Dad passing away and me trying my best to be supportive. Well, she is constantly getting upset with me if I'm not there on a whim for her on certain days when I'm spending the day with my boyfriend. Maybe I could be trying harder but I feel as if I do care and I am trying and I'm always worried about how she's doing and have talked to her everyday on the phone and try my best to hang out with her a couple of times a week but I don't think it's enough for her really. I don't know if anything will be enough because she is in so much pain. If I try too much harder I will feel like I'm beginning to compromise my own happiness. At the same time though, I know how she must be feeling and I can put myself in her shoes, so it makes me feel even worse about the situation. I'm doing my best to enjoy my new relationship and it's easy to hang out with him often because I really am enjoying his company and think we have something good and he lives very close to me so it makes it that much easier to get carried away and spend a lot of time with him. At the same time though, I know what it must be like to feel the way she does and I might have been in the same boat if it was the other way around. I just don't know what to do. I have done some really nice things for her. I have suggested some really good meetings for her to go to for grieving, talked to her over the phone several times and also have made plans to hang out and have accepted her invitations to hang out. I just don't know what else I can do. I'm sad that maybe this friendship might come to an end and I just don't want that to happen. Just needed to vent, thanks for listening and if you have any advice, comments, feel free to share. I just honestly wish that our friendship could be the same like when we were both single but I know that it will change and I'm having a hard time accepting that I can't make it be the same and I can't compromise my own happiness for another person even though I mean well and I know she's struggling.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 1:09pm
I did end up emailing her and telling her I'm thinking of her and asked if she had wanted to just get together for coffee and keep things light until she's ready to talk about the serious stuff, just so she knows she has someone there. After this though, I'm running out of things to say, try or do and it comes to a point where no matter how much pain the other person is in, if they want to keep the friendship they are going to have to put some effort into it too. I've put all the effort right now to get back and reconnect and she is consistently shutting me out and I'll make quick calls a few days in between just to leave a message to say I"m thinking of her but after that there is nothing more I can do and she needs to get out of this funk and step up to the plate. It's been since Monday that she hasn't wanted to talk to me and I know that's not too long of a time, but we've connected in one way or another every day in the past. After awhile it will start getting more and more old to me though and my patience will run more and more thin even though I have a tremendous amount of patience for people and it's been a gift that I"ve had.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 1:28pm

I know it's frustrating to not get any response from her but she's almost certainly not thinking clearly or rationally right now, so I would urge you to make those calls every few days as you are planning to do even if you don't get a response. It's unlikely she will "get out of the funk" to any great degree any time soon, though, so try to keep that in mind. Just as you are doing the best you can, so is she...if her best is limited right now, that's not your responsibility to change but do try to be empathetic.

I think the best way to come at this is to recognize that she can't give anything back to you right now...it's a one-way street. So you need to give what you can in terms of support without tapping yourself out or feeling resentful of that.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 1:37pm
True, I have my own things going on and that happens to include happiness with a new man in my life and I shouldn't feel guilty for that because I deserve it and I worked for it. I pray for my friend all the time and wish her the best and happiness too. But it might take time and healing for her to get there. I need to stop this guilt stuff because it's eating me up inside and I'm sure she is not thinking about me and my feelings right now since she has so much going on so why should I continue to feel so guilty and beat myself up over things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 1:40pm
Good point Sheri. I need to draw boundaries but it probably will be a one way street friendship right now and because I care I'm willing to give but not to the point of exhaustion. I'll see what happens, and hopefully she'll snap out of it in the future when she's more clear headed. Thanks so much for your advice and support and everyone else's advice so far!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 6:27pm

Hugs. All I can say is, when you think she's ready to hear you talk, then its time to have a good talk with her. Maybe not about telling her to step up, but maybe about what frienship is to you. I would probably tell her that I understand her heartache about the passing of her father, however, that doesn't mean she has the right to treat you disrespectfully. I also know her actions were like this prior to her father passing (in regards to your bf), so her father passing, is a cop out to keep acting like this. Please understand (anyone reading), I am not saying her father passing won't shake her world, I am saying, a death shouldn't be an excuse to treat people badly. Especially someone you feel is a good friend.


My best friend (ex now), basically ditched me during my second and hardest divorce. I was literally ready to just kill myself and never love again it hurt so dang bad. I called her, she wouldn't answer. I asked her to call me back when she had time, she didn't. She ditched me for about two weeks. I ended that friendship then and there. Biochic isn't even doing that to her friend, she's still in contact, still going out, still being supportive. I give you credit, you're going above and beyond in my book. All I wanted was someone to be there for me in my time of need. And being ignored, made my decision to end the friendship that much easier. I have no idea to this day, why she chose to treat me that way, all I know is that friendship is a two-way street. Even if I don't speak to my friends in months, they all know I'm here if they need me. They all know if I need to drive 500 miles to go get them, I will.


It seems as though your friend is forgetting what friendship is. My ex-best friend, she never knew what friendship was. It was always on her time, her schedule, her way. I miss our good times, but I definitely don't miss the day she chose to ignore me at my neediest time.


B, you are doing all you can do. My xbgf literally dithced me. You're not doing that. You're trying your hardest, doing what you can, trying to balance, work, dance, a new r'ship, and a grieving/needy friend. Definitely do NOT beat yourself up. And remember, you can't fix her, you can't help her. all you can do is support her and be there for her. You're doing all you possbiley can for her, you've gone above and beyond. If anything, she's failing you as a friend, by not being happy that you found someone good for you and are having a healthy happy r'ship.


big hugs.


Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 7:42pm

Some people enjoy living their lives in their comfortable little bubble, you know? I am guilty of it too, but I try to get out of my comfort zone when I am feeling at my best, in order to slowly become more, not spontaneous, but um, I guess just more open to new experiences, new people.

I grew up in a conservative christian home and we were groomed from a very early age to think that other people were judging us, every day, all day long. I think that has a lot to do with the sort of reserved person I am today.

Your friend may feel badly about herself and may not want to be judged as a result, so she stays inside of her own comfortable, familiar, predictable world. Of course, I don't know her, so I could be way off base here. Regardless, I feel for both of you. Her, because it seems like she may be missing out on some good stuff and you because you are trying so hard, and she is shutting down. Just kind of a no win for both of you. I'm sorry! I hope it gets better! Maybe these meetings she is going to will help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 7:59pm
I completely agree with you about the "comfort zone" bit. All of us are guilty of it at one time or another but I left my comfort zone this last year and a half of working hard on myself and becoming more emotionally healthy, stronger and knowing myself more. It wasn't easy and I cried a lot of tears and went through a lot of pain but the reward of where I'm at now is so great and i wouldn't change it now. It would benefit her to do the same and to be vulnerable, admit to others that she needs them around instead of passively getting angry when she's not getting what she wants, and admit that she has some pretty deep self-esteem issues so that she can heal and become a better person for it. I really wish her well with this but I know it takes time.

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