Feel like I'm failing my single friend
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Feel like I'm failing my single friend
| Wed, 01-10-2007 - 3:06pm |
I think the title says it all and I think you guys might remember me posting about her Dad passing away and me trying my best to be supportive. Well, she is constantly getting upset with me if I'm not there on a whim for her on certain days when I'm spending the day with my boyfriend. Maybe I could be trying harder but I feel as if I do care and I am trying and I'm always worried about how she's doing and have talked to her everyday on the phone and try my best to hang out with her a couple of times a week but I don't think it's enough for her really. I don't know if anything will be enough because she is in so much pain. If I try too much harder I will feel like I'm beginning to compromise my own happiness. At the same time though, I know how she must be feeling and I can put myself in her shoes, so it makes me feel even worse about the situation. I'm doing my best to enjoy my new relationship and it's easy to hang out with him often because I really am enjoying his company and think we have something good and he lives very close to me so it makes it that much easier to get carried away and spend a lot of time with him. At the same time though, I know what it must be like to feel the way she does and I might have been in the same boat if it was the other way around. I just don't know what to do. I have done some really nice things for her. I have suggested some really good meetings for her to go to for grieving, talked to her over the phone several times and also have made plans to hang out and have accepted her invitations to hang out. I just don't know what else I can do. I'm sad that maybe this friendship might come to an end and I just don't want that to happen. Just needed to vent, thanks for listening and if you have any advice, comments, feel free to share. I just honestly wish that our friendship could be the same like when we were both single but I know that it will change and I'm having a hard time accepting that I can't make it be the same and I can't compromise my own happiness for another person even though I mean well and I know she's struggling.

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I know it's frustrating to not get any response from her but she's almost certainly not thinking clearly or rationally right now, so I would urge you to make those calls every few days as you are planning to do even if you don't get a response. It's unlikely she will "get out of the funk" to any great degree any time soon, though, so try to keep that in mind. Just as you are doing the best you can, so is she...if her best is limited right now, that's not your responsibility to change but do try to be empathetic.
I think the best way to come at this is to recognize that she can't give anything back to you right now...it's a one-way street. So you need to give what you can in terms of support without tapping yourself out or feeling resentful of that.
Sheri
Hugs. All I can say is, when you think she's ready to hear you talk, then its time to have a good talk with her. Maybe not about telling her to step up, but maybe about what frienship is to you. I would probably tell her that I understand her heartache about the passing of her father, however, that doesn't mean she has the right to treat you disrespectfully. I also know her actions were like this prior to her father passing (in regards to your bf), so her father passing, is a cop out to keep acting like this. Please understand (anyone reading), I am not saying her father passing won't shake her world, I am saying, a death shouldn't be an excuse to treat people badly. Especially someone you feel is a good friend.
My best friend (ex now), basically ditched me during my second and hardest divorce. I was literally ready to just kill myself and never love again it hurt so dang bad. I called her, she wouldn't answer. I asked her to call me back when she had time, she didn't. She ditched me for about two weeks. I ended that friendship then and there. Biochic isn't even doing that to her friend, she's still in contact, still going out, still being supportive. I give you credit, you're going above and beyond in my book. All I wanted was someone to be there for me in my time of need. And being ignored, made my decision to end the friendship that much easier. I have no idea to this day, why she chose to treat me that way, all I know is that friendship is a two-way street. Even if I don't speak to my friends in months, they all know I'm here if they need me. They all know if I need to drive 500 miles to go get them, I will.
It seems as though your friend is forgetting what friendship is. My ex-best friend, she never knew what friendship was. It was always on her time, her schedule, her way. I miss our good times, but I definitely don't miss the day she chose to ignore me at my neediest time.
B, you are doing all you can do. My xbgf literally dithced me. You're not doing that. You're trying your hardest, doing what you can, trying to balance, work, dance, a new r'ship, and a grieving/needy friend. Definitely do NOT beat yourself up. And remember, you can't fix her, you can't help her. all you can do is support her and be there for her. You're doing all you possbiley can for her, you've gone above and beyond. If anything, she's failing you as a friend, by not being happy that you found someone good for you and are having a healthy happy r'ship.
big hugs.
Some people enjoy living their lives in their comfortable little bubble, you know? I am guilty of it too, but I try to get out of my comfort zone when I am feeling at my best, in order to slowly become more, not spontaneous, but um, I guess just more open to new experiences, new people.
I grew up in a conservative christian home and we were groomed from a very early age to think that other people were judging us, every day, all day long. I think that has a lot to do with the sort of reserved person I am today.
Your friend may feel badly about herself and may not want to be judged as a result, so she stays inside of her own comfortable, familiar, predictable world. Of course, I don't know her, so I could be way off base here. Regardless, I feel for both of you. Her, because it seems like she may be missing out on some good stuff and you because you are trying so hard, and she is shutting down. Just kind of a no win for both of you. I'm sorry! I hope it gets better! Maybe these meetings she is going to will help.
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