Feeling Bitter and Jealous

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Feeling Bitter and Jealous
17
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 2:11pm

I also posted on another board, but I felt like I needed to vent today.

I know that 31 is still young, etc. But, I've been feeling like such an old maid lately. I can't help feeling like my time is running out to find someone to settle down, marry and have a family with when I do not have any immediate prospects for that in the near future.

I guess it's just really on my mind today because one of the 20-something girls in my office just announced her surprise engagement today. I did congratulate her, but I just couldn't get as in a tizzy and excited as the other ladies did, and quite honestly, I just didn't want to hear all of the details. I think if would've been just too excruciatingly painful.

I just can't help but think sometimes that it would be better if I concentrated more on marriage and family in my 20s than other things (education, career, etc.) because now I really feel like I'm playing catch up and time is running out.

*sigh*

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 9:00pm

>I am dreading the whole family being there and me answering their questions as to why I am not married.<

Oh, that's easy. Just tell 'em George Clooney proposed, but you know he hogs the covers at night. ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 9:07pm

>I've decided that my soul wants above all else at this time is to find its mate. It's gotten to the point where I don't ever look at romantic movies/books or anything that remind me of what I don't have. I hardly ever cry except when thinking about my mateless situation. There were times when I went to business functions and nearly cried b/c there were people there who were a couple or part of a couple. My brother is married and occasionally I get together with him and his wife. Their friends are married or in a RS and it makes me sad. When I see men I want, I don't even feel hopeful, instead I feel sad b/c I feel like they would never go for me. I don't want to hear about other women getting dates/bf/engaged/married. I feel like I have a lot to offer but I just haven't met anyone (I want) who appreciate what I have.<

JOHN TUCKER MUST DIE was a lousy movie, but it did have one choice piece of dialogue. (Paraphrase) "You have a nice life, yet you're beating up on _yourself_?" For the love of Mike, hon--_why_? This is "the glass is 1/128th empty" thinking that will just make you miserable; will take up time you could be doing something that makes you happy; and isn't going to help your cause. What is it you expect out of marriage that you can't get on your own?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 11:13pm

You mean the glass is 127/128 empty :)

I realize I get very negative when it comes to finding love. IT's hard not to feel this way when you've wanted something for 10 yrs and you just sit there seeing other women getting hitched - women who have less to offer than you getting what you want. To quote Shakespeare "O, how bitter a thing it is to look into happiness through another man's eyes." I can't help but feel I'm dealt an unfair hand in love.

Why just a few days ago, I found out a girl from high school got married to a very choice man. This girl I knew didn't have anything over me. Her brain isn't that special, neither is her look and personality. And I can tell how a person's brain work by just observing them solve problems and believe me, I think my brain is more fascinating. NO kidding. (But she does have one thing, that is she has thick skin and is good at climbing the ladder). However, she got the catch of the day that would make ANY woman envy. Imagine being passed over for a promotion when the person that got it is not as good as you. NOt a great analogy b/c at least in a job, things make more sense. So you find another job, chances are you'll find someone who appreciates your talent.

In love, it's not always 1+1 =2. That's the frustrating thing. Luck and timing is 99% of the game. Working hard only works in jobs and school, doesn't apply to love.

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of self-talk and I'm doing OK temporarily. I can provide for myself very well but it's human nature to long for companionship and love. I know some people don't have as trong a need but I do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 6:18pm

I am also in my early thirties and felt very similar about love for a long time. I hope what I am going to say makes sense, because I want this to make those who are down feel better and up-lifted.

When I was in my late twenties, I went through a really hard time being single. I thought by 28, I would have found "The One". I had my mind set on one guy and was devistated when he wanted nothing more then just a friendship with me. I thought by 28, I should have been able to move onto that next stage of my life, because that was what I thought I had wanted. I had already established myself professionally and lived in Chicago by myself for many years. I thought I was ready for marriage, so where was he?? Where was the man I was supposed to marry? For a couple of years, I had a pretty negitive out look on my love life. And you know what, nothing happened for me either.

So I decided to change my career and decided to go back to grad school. It was the change I needed. It was the one thing I could control. And it was enough to make me open my eyes and realize that all I needed really was a change in my life, not a man. So I changed my mind set and decided that if he were to come around one day, great! I would be open to it. But if not, then that's okay, too. Let me tell you, changing that mind set was NOT easy. I felt like I was giving up. But in the end, I was so much happier. I am not religous, but I finally decided to take my mom's advice and "let go and let God". Once I turned 30, my life and my attitude changed. I started to have a more optimistic out look on love and started to enjoy life again and not to dwell on the man I did not have.

At 31, I am now into my 6th month with a great man. We have already talked about marriage and plan to move in with one another when my lease is up. I know he plans to ask me to marry him at the end of the year... But I would not have been open to dating him if I still had that negitive view. First and foremost, I thought he was a rude and abnoxious man for many years. But once I decided to be more open minded, I talked with him at a party outside of work and realized how sweet and attentive he really was. I also found out after dating him for many months, that he had a crush on me for a long time and trying to find the perfect way to "get in" with me. But I was so closed off for many years, I either did not care to see it or chose not to see it. But it took him a long time to get *my* attention.

Is he perfect? Absolutely not!! Nor am I... He frustrates me often, as I do him. But it just works and feels right. AND relationships are so much harder then I ever would have expected. Looking back, I wish I would have cherished my single days a bit more. Because even being in a great relationship, it is not easy. Almost harder then being alone and lonely, some days.

So my advice, is to try and think it will happen for you. Have an open mind. Do things you've always wanted to do, but have been putting off. Change something. Anything. Live the life you have always wanted and one day, you will be surprised. You might find a guy who has been trying to get your attention for many years, but did not realize it :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 6:39pm

>>At 31, I am now into my 6th month with a great man. We have already talked about marriage and plan to move in with one another when my lease is up. <<

I had wondered where you'd been. That's good to hear. :)

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 3:11pm

Thanks :)

I had been checking in here and there to see what was new or going on with people. But things kept me so busy between work, school (had research this past semester which almost killed me), friends and the guy I have been seeing. I live in the city and he is in the burbs, I had been pulled in too many directions and over-whelmed for a while. Now I have no classes this summer and work has slowed down for a bit. I feel like I can breathe for a second.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 5:57pm

Thanks for sharing. Your story is lovely. It's the stuff I've always dreamed about.

I'm not sure how long one should let go and let God. Suppose you were 40 or 50 and God hasn't answered. Would you still be optimistic? I wasn't super concerned at 30. I broke up with my bf at age 26 and was so happy single until around then. That was when I started to pay a little more attention to my dating situation. Then I thought maybe 35 would be OK, Then, maybe just before turning 40. Now at age 40 and no prospect in sight, I can't imagine how it will happen. Somehow and w/o any connection to reality, I think I'll be marry but how I get from nothing to something is a mystery. It's like winning the lotto at this point. Maybe not as unimaginable but it's like winning the lotto in the way it works, it's a little bit of effort and lots of luck in my opinion i.e. you have to buy the ticket but you're not in control of winning. Likewise, I'm trying to work on my social skills (which I think is somewhat lacking) due to my lack of desire to do so. I'm good with one-on-one but not a social butterfly which I think is necessary if one needs to land a choice mate.

Career wise, I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life (and hope it will stay this way- I made a career change too, staring at age 26). I'm doing something I'm fairly good at, like it and sometimes even love it and luckily too it's financially rewarding by my standard. At this time it's a source of comfort for me to have something to keep me occupied.

I agree with you about being negative can adversely affect your love life. I don't have negative thinking about my career aspect b/c so far it's worked out for me. But I'm very negative in approaching relationships and I'm just starting to understand it a bit and I'm working on it. I'm seeing a therapist now and have to consciously try to practive new way of thinking and doing things.

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