feeling out of place at work
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feeling out of place at work
| Tue, 05-15-2007 - 11:13am |
I started a new job recently and I didn't realize that every single person there was married with kids or married with kids on the way, and as a single woman, I'm starting to feel like I'm completely out of place there and that at times, my boss, who's married with kids, doesn't even know how to relate to me.
It seems like every other day an email comes through announcing so and so is going on matarnity leave, so and so has new baby pictures they're forwarding to everyone, or durinng a meeting, so and so's wife is so big now, wow, so this is your third!... yada yada...
During one meeting where all they did before the meeting was talk about babies, even the men, someone seemed to notice that I was saying nothing so they switched the topic and asked me about my upcoming vacation (that I'm taking alone). It was really odd.
I like the job and all, but I didn't know that on a personal level I'd end up feeling so strange all the time because I don't have a similar life as everyone else there. I'm not even sure how to cope with it at times. I wish I could be friends with these people and engage in conversations with them about things other than work, but the truth is, there's nothing for me to talk about with them because all they want to talk about is kids.
It seems like every other day an email comes through announcing so and so is going on matarnity leave, so and so has new baby pictures they're forwarding to everyone, or durinng a meeting, so and so's wife is so big now, wow, so this is your third!... yada yada...
During one meeting where all they did before the meeting was talk about babies, even the men, someone seemed to notice that I was saying nothing so they switched the topic and asked me about my upcoming vacation (that I'm taking alone). It was really odd.
I like the job and all, but I didn't know that on a personal level I'd end up feeling so strange all the time because I don't have a similar life as everyone else there. I'm not even sure how to cope with it at times. I wish I could be friends with these people and engage in conversations with them about things other than work, but the truth is, there's nothing for me to talk about with them because all they want to talk about is kids.

Nancy, come on, it sounds like these people are inundated with kids and kid speak. They would probably jump at the opportunity to discuss something else. I'm sure they love their kids and all but, I have two siblings with children and I remember my sister telling me when her two were still toddlers, that she was tired of having "baby" conversations. I have heard the same thing from friends, too.
If you really think that this is the only conversation your coworkers can offer, why not indulge them. Even if you have to pretend to be interested here and there. Maybe if you show some interest in their lives, they will reciprocate.
I agree. When I was between 18 and 22, I worked in a bank, in a fast paced department. I was the youngest one there for 2 years until some newer younger people were on the teller line (and I wasnt a teller). I was the odd-man out because I didnt hang out with the tellers and I was always talking to the VP's and others they were afraid to talk to. I still managed to relate to people that were out of college, married, having kids, had grown kids and grandkids, and at least 10-30 years older than me.
When I was 14, I worked with 20 men and one woman. I found a way to talk and get involved and some of those people I still talk to and am close to 10 years later.
Maybe you dont feel you have anything in common with these people but that doesnt mean you cant put forth the effort to relate and communicate with them. People arent divided solely by their married/single kids/nokids status. If one views the world that way, then its us vs them and that is so unhealthy in my opinion.
Not to be too personal, but how old are you?
I ask because, when I was younger, I happened to work at a place where most of the people were also young and single -- like me. Now, I'm a little older (32), still single, and I work in a place where nearly everyone is married and there's a big joke that something's in the water, because as soon as one woman has a baby, another pops up pregnant.
I think the longer you are in the workforce, the more likely it will be that the people around you will be married with kids. Most of my friends have experienced similar trends in their careers. Obviously, it can depend on the industry you're in as well -- some industries tend to stay more "young and hip."
My advice is to keep business just business, and seek friendships outside of work. That was a hard transition for me, because I was used to making friends at school - and then at work. Now, I make friends elsewhere so that I have people in my life who can relate to me because we're in the same place in life.
Edited to add: Oh, and just because I'm not "friends" with my coworkers, doesn't mean I ignore them. I agree with the PPs that you can find any number of things to talk about with coworkers that don't have to do with family. Just chatting in the break room about random things helps make the workplace more comfortable and livable -- and I really enjoy that I get to interact with people of various ages and backgrounds.
Edited 5/15/2007 2:02 pm ET by tallgirlcolo
AJ, enjoying life with C.
I'm 31, so I've already seen my share of friends and coworkers getting married and having babies. I realize I can talk with anyone about anything and I'm pretty good at that when I have to be, but while these people may envy my freedom for a few moments, I'm sure they wouldn't trade their families and the security of having a family for my life and a few quiet mornings instead of listening to kids fighting. Not to get depressing but I view the major difference between them and me is that they chose their life. I did not choose to be single at 31, wondering if I'm going to have to adopt at 45, wondering about how lucky my 80 year old grandmother is to have my mother and father looking after her.
I work for a small firm so it gets "personal," I guess you can say. My boss asks me about my life all the time, my weekend, my family. His desk is full of pictures of his wife and kids. My desk is empty of pictures. You couldn't tell a thing about my life by my desk. It could be anyone's. My apartment is too small for pets and I'm allergic to cats anyway. Maybe I'll get a plant or fish to put up next to my computer.
At my company, everyone knows about everyone else's joys and sorrows. It's almost like a little family and it can't be avoided. And if I try to avoid it I would come off impersonal, cold, aloof, and in my business, that's not a good way to be because being friendly and straightforward sells. Even our clients share their personal stories with them every now and then. I don't ignore them at all-- most of them are fine people but I don't have the same day to day struggles as they do... and I see clearly that family is a major bonding point for them, the way that being single is a major bonding point for me and my single friends.
I don't mean to sound paranoid or anything. In a past life I've had conversations with people from all walks of life, from prisoners to atheltes to millionaires so I'm flexible when it comes to the people I have to get along with. My problem is probably that I'm overly aware of my surroundings, I guess you could say. Every other day I get a reminder of what I don't have-- a client whose wife just had a baby, a coworker who's having her third child, another who's engaged... and what do I have to say? I hurts.
I am one of a handful of singles (not married) in my company right now where most people are married with children. It can be difficult to be in this position because it's a reminder of what we don't have sometimes and hard to relate.
I think trying to talk to them about things other than children and families helps too with this and finding other grounds of commonalities because they might be more interested in what's going on with you than you think they might be and like another poster said they may welcome conversation other than their kids and families.
It's hard to get used to situations but I believe that once you get to know these people better and work with them longer you will feel less and less like you dont' fit in. I honestly think that we are all people trying to get through life and do the best we can and we all have more in common than you think sometimes.
I have pictures up on my desk of my trip to brazil (me playing the drums) and my sister and Dad and friends. So you can find the people who mean a lot to you currently or you in an exotic place to make you feel like you are home.