Feeling like a pariah

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2008
Feeling like a pariah
6
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 12:40pm

I am just coming off a two-year hiatus from relationships. I've dated a little here and there, but for the most part I've sworn off committment in lieu of finding myself, as corny as that sounds. I had a really bad break up with my fiance in August, 2010. And so, on the 2-year anniversary of that break up I decided it was time to put myself back out there and search for Mr. Right. So, I'm rusty, but the one and only person I reached out to on Match reciprocated and we had our first date last Friday.

I posted a few days ago that he lied about his height (he said he was 6'3" on his profile...it's more like 5'10"). It's a little thing, but it represents something more. If he lied about this, what else has (or will) he lie about? So, the fact that I haven't heard from him is probably a good thing.

But I liked him....**really** liked him. We totally clicked, talked all night, held hands, etc...it went so well until it came time to say good night. As well as things went on the date, I expected at least a hug, but he didn't even walk me to my car. And when I said I had a good time, he didn't say anything. I ended up giving him a hug, but he angled away from me like I was repulsive or something.

For a while I thought I was just being girly and needy. Maybe his lukewarm goodbye was just him being a gentleman. After all, there was no explanation for the sudden change. So this is why I was surprised that he never followed through after the date. And then it hit me...we were at a wine bar in a downstairs room and at the end of the night we had to climb a tall, steep set of stone stairs. He motioned for me to go ahead of him. I am not slender, but not fat either. I carry all my weight in my butt and hips. It's easy for me to hide with the right clothes. But when I walked up the stairs in front of him my butt was practically in his face. Much harder to hide. (BTW, he gave me other signs that his type is Barbie...I have long blonde hair and pale skin...I guess I *almost* fit this mold. sigh)

So anyway, even though I know I'm better off without a self-absorbed judgmental liar in my life, this has reminded me of why I hate dating, online or otherwise. I'm so sick of these guys who expect perfection, like a woman is nothing but an accessory. If one doesn't work out, they move on without a thought. Is it too much to ask for a quick text that says "I had a great time, but I don't think we are a match. Good luck in your search." I hate playing this waiting game. Even though I don't want him to contact me at this point, it still stings to know I'm so easily forgotten :smileysad:

I so want to text or email him to give him a piece of my mind. But I know I would just be lashing out at every other guy who did this to me, which is totally pathetic. In the past I would just move on to the next profile, but I don't think I have the energy to keep dealing with this. Maybe I should just get myself a few more cats and accept the fact that I'm an undesireable social pariah :/

Does anyone else ever feel this way? How do you find the strength to keep going when it all seems so fruitless?

P.S. the truly pathetic thing about all of this is that there is still this little voice in my head that is telling me that he's waiting for me to contact him. Ugh. I need help :smileytongue:

 

 

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 1:06pm
E.B., is that you, LOL?
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 1:33pm

Bush Had $4.899 trillion*

*www.cbsnews.com/.../national-debt-has-increased-more-under-obam..

2009, TARP contributed $151 billion to the budget deficit,

http://economix.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/06/12/the-fiscal-legacy-of-george-w-bush/

During the 2000 campaign, Mr. Bush warned that budget surpluses were dangerous because Congress might spend them, even though Paygo rules prevented this from happening. His Feb. 28, 2001, budget message reiterated this point and asserted that future surpluses were likely to be even larger than projected due principally to anticipated strong revenue growth.

http://mediamatters.org/research/2012/06/13/fox-misrepresents-bush-policies-effect-on-debt/177966

  These and others explain how we got there but not how we get out.  I am not impressed with the GOP budget that cuts social programs and leaves the bloated defense budget alone.  Since the 50's the military has lobbied for fewer defense contractor now we basically in aircraft have only two.  That is not healthy. 

  There is a lot of "pork" that in reality most of the congress talks with a forked tongue.  They lack the will to cut "pork".

chaika

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 9:12pm
You've reminded me of all the reasons why I hate online dating. Thank you!!!

I met a guy in person awhile back, had three pretty great conversations with him over a few nights, spent a little <ahem> alone time with him (not really my plan, but whatever) and he asked me several times to call and made it clear he wanted to see me again. Then he just disappeared. Poof! I did send a "I thought you were a better person than this" text after a couple of weeks, and to be honest it did make me feel better. But we had more than just one date that didn't end so well.

Sorry this guy was crappy. There will be others. It just takes awhile to find them sometimes.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 8:58pm

Hi right now you do not know why he acted that way.  If you contact him it may ease your mind.  You do not know so there is no reason to guess. 

Yes dating can be nerve wracking.  It is never fruitless to try.  It is never wrong to go out and socialize.  You had a nice time and there will be other time with other people or with this one.

"So anyway, even though I know I'm better off without a self-absorbed judgmental liar in my life, this has reminded me of why I hate dating, online or otherwise. I'm so sick of these guys who expect perfection, like a woman is nothing but an accessory. If one doesn't work out, they move on without a thought. Is it too much to ask for a quick text that says "I had a great time, but I don't think we are a match. Good luck in your search."  

        This type of thinking does not good.  It is negative to yourself.  Treat yourself better!

chaika

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 4:22pm

I agree with cfk. But also wanted to add: don't automatically assume that your figure turned him off. It may have absolutely nothing to do with that! No one knows why he behaved the way he did, but we really don't know, so I say, give yourself a break. And even if he decided you aren't for him, it doesn't mean there's anything in the world wrong with you. Plus, he may still call you. BTW, I'm in the wait-for-him-to-call camp. In the beginning. And of course, please don't call him and give him a piece of your mind.

I know it's disappointing when you feel like you've clicked and then nothing happens. 

But cfk is right: there have probably been perfectly nice men you went out with that you decided weren't a good match for you. Does it mean those men are complete losers or they don't have big enough shoulders? Nope. 

FWIW, I think there are people, both men and women, who date a lot and are really good at acting like they are having the time of their lives when in reality they may just be having an OK time. They don't want to make you uncomfortable on the date so they just act like they're having a great time. Yes, it can be confusing.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 2:17pm
You could reach out to him, but then you might always wonder why you had to do that . . . did he really like you or was he just reciprocating because you were there for the taking. Does that make sense?

I have been in your shoes. I posted about it just the other day. I had to look at is as I would picking out a tie (if I were male). Either the tie matches the shirt or it doesn't, I'm not going to feel guilty about putting that tie back down and moving on the next, if that's the case. I know it's more difficult to think this way when talking about two human beings . . . but it is slightly similar. Some individuals have their quirks and their types but it doesn't mean that you are completely undesirable. Also, when this happens, I will recall men that I've passed on who really weren't terrible, or unattractive or unintelligent. I tried them on for size and they just weren't a good fit. I don't think badly of them. You know?

Hang in there. I'm sure there are plenty of men who would love to follow you up a flight of steps!