Feeling Stranded
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| Tue, 04-10-2007 - 4:22pm |
So here's my background story. I'm 23, I've been single for about 5 years since my first relationship which was back when I was 18. Since then I've had no luck finding someone I connect with. It has just been a mess of hook ups and guys I have nothing in common with/simply just unattracted to. On top of that my life has been horrible for my dating life for the past four years because I majored in a field that kept me away from having a "normal healthy social life" in and outside of school. Now I find myself at a very vulnerable place because I'm uncertain about my future in regards to career, housing and ofcourse relationships. I had somewhat prepared to deal with this over the course of my major. However, I didn't anticipate that the few friends I have who are around my age, have found serious relationships. One has gotten married, my sister who is close to me is married as well, and my other friends are all in serious bf/gf relationships. I am practically the last single person in our group with no prospects.
So at this point I not only do I have to deal with the turmoil of being a new graduate from hectic major, but I have to deal with no friends truly being around to lessen the feeling of being "alone".
I feel highly dejected in life at this point because I have spent so much time trying to be good in school and making friends in a new city. And it just feels like everything has an expiration date and I end up back at square one. The few chances I get to go out now, I am not upbeat because usually these plans are made by them and only when they feel like it. Rarely do I get responses when I try to plan an outing because they are so busy with their significant others. I even tried putting myself out there to make new friends and be positive, but it is hard because most of the time I feel like I'm throwing myself at them or maybe even exuding "desperation". Similarly I feel like I'm forced into thinking about my own marital status. I didn't think that I would find myself at this place at 23. I almost feel like I'm forced to grow up faster and push myself into dating people I have no interest in.
Frankly I'm at a scary place and I just don't know what to do and I think I'm on the brink of depression.

I'm in a totally different boat than you, but I guess I feel stranded as well for much different reasons. I have 2 bits of advice I hope you'll consider. I'm sure it will work for you. 1 - is you have to get out there, I don't know about your education, or where you live, but go out and find some fun place where you can meet people, have fun, and get genuinely happy. It need not cost money, volunteer, offer to walk someone's dog. You're stranded in your comfort zone, now it's time to swim away from the shore. What can you lose, it might be very fun and exciting.
2 - If you're down about where you are in your life, make some positive changes, your anxiousness and sadness is going to not help you here, it's like when you're at a dance/bar and you sit off to the side frowning, you won't get picked up that way. Smile, even when you're not feeling great, smile any way and read books if you have to for inspiration. I read one book by the Dalai Lama that changed my whole perspective on life and how to feel - if you can get it it's called "Ancient Wisdom, Modern World", but a lot of his books have similar messages, simple and effective for positive changes in your thinking, not even religious actually. I've come to understand that men don't like needy women, if you can project an air of happiness, humour, flirtiness (again not needy flirty, but fun flirty) I bet it will change your whole social life. Try smiling at a guy you find attractive, look him right in the eyes, think of something witty to say to him, chances are he'll be putty in your hands after, even and especially if early on you feel goofy about it all and trip up in your talking, keep practicing and it gets easier, it builds on your confidence. Again, what would you have to lose?
I don't want to be a "Debbie Downer" but more and more of your friends will be getting married, moving out of state and starting their own families without you. You just have to be proud of yourself for not settling for less than what you want. You should hold your head up high.
There is plenty of time to focus on your career and then what you may want out of a potential mate. Another thing to think about is, a lot of people settle down early for fear that they will some day find themselves all alone. You haven't done this and as lonely as you may feel at times, it may not compare to how some of those individuals are feeling. Trust me, I have witnessed both sides of the coin and I think you may have a chance at a lot more happiness in the future.
I'm in a similar situation. I'm going to have my degree in July, so I understand that difficult transition. While you are in school it's like being in an active little bubble that's just floating aimlessly. You are working toward something and you're active, but life itself is sort of in suspended animation and contained within itself while you are waiting for that degree. Then, when you are finished the bubble pops and there is a "now what" feeling. And suddenly you realize that after all that time spent spinning your wheels, now you actually have to live life. Suddenly, everything you put off becomes pertinent. But remember that you are still very young and meeting Mr. Right will never happen if you think you have to force it to happen.
My dating life took off big time when I decided to stop dating. I had been online dating and trying to make myself like these men that were not right for me. Mostly I think I was expecting a man to fill in all the fears and empty spaces in my life. But once I had had enough, I made the decision to focus instead on enlarging my circle of friends. I joined a church and started going on hikes and other singles activities. I started practicing introducing myself to complete strangers. I'd do it in line at the grocery store or at the bank. I figured that if things went badly I'd never have to see that person again, anyway. I wouldn't say or think about friendship. It was only about the 2 minutes it took to say hi and shake hands. Usually just looking at it in that limited scope relaxed me enough so that I've learned to be casual and fun. and I've actually found out that people WANT to be my friend now and I don't have to try as hard (which is great, because I'm an introvert by nature and I'd stay inside for weeks at a time if I let myself).
Also, in focusing on making new friends, I've met quite a few men, either directly or through my new friends. The key is to relax and don't ever ever ever settle! You are only 23 and you have your entire lifetime to meet "the one." It's amazing that you put school as a priority. I got married young and put school off. Now I'm almost thirty and just now getting back what I posponed. I wish I had postponed marriage and focused on my career instead.
Just focus on the important stuff in life and the rest will follow as it is meant to be.
Hi teaqueen,
Oh, I just want to say, "There, there."
Yes, 23 is young and you have your whole life ahead of you, but hearing that doesn't truly help. I remember 21 as being a very traumatic year for me. I had dropped out of college to become a singer, I was living in a new town, and I felt very alone and unsure of everything.
My first thought is that you could probably benefit from some couseling, especially if you are feeling depressed. Ask around and find a good therapist.
And yes, engaging in activites you enjoy is certainly a way to meet friends and men to date, but I completely understand your "expiration date" feeling. And being "left behind" by your good friends is painful. I sense you have a lot of grief over that.
You studied and got a degree...are you doing the work you want to do? If you aren't, and you know what you want in that area, I say move heaven and earth to get that. Move somewhere else if necessary, because in matters of career, youth is on your side. You can afford to move, explore, change careers if you want. It's an old saying, but if you really do follow your bliss, so many other things will fall into place.
But I understand how it can be hard to get excited about anything when you feel alone and down. Unfortunately, being "abandoned" by your coupled friends will most likely be a trend in your life. I hate to tell you this. But at age 52, I have seen this happen over and over in my own life. I can go through years where I have enough friends, then years where I have no one available. And it gets old "getting into your career" as a substitute.
So, in addition to some possible counseling, do try some activities you might enjoy, even if you don't meet anyone. With "nyc" on the end of your screen name, I'm thinking you live in NYC? I would think there would be tons of things you could do there. Foreign film night at MOMA. Professional organizations. Or whatever. And there's no sense trying to force yourself to connect with men you simply don't connect with. Be available for a true match to come along.
I wish you all the best. --FG
Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I'm starting to feel a little better already. I think left to myself I would be happier, it's just I live with my best friend who's in a serious relationship and so I have a daily reminder about the fact that I couldn't have the time to date like she did and she's moving to london for work, so it's like a reminder about how I don't even really have a solid job proposal to look forward to. But I think I've realized, I need to distance myself from things that make me create unrealistic expectations for myself and just focus on what I want.
It's going to be hard, but I hope that everything that seems scattered can come together and make me feel whole again.
Thanks to everyone who gave me some hope and upliftment. Best wishes to you all =)