Feeling too fat to date

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Feeling too fat to date
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 8:16am

I know this is ridiculous, irrational, whatever you want to call it.  But I feel like I might be holding myself back because I just feel too fat to attract a man who wants to stick around.  My rational self says I'm normal sized, and I am.  I look at the women that men seem to flock to, though, and I see that they are always skinny, usually very young, and usually carefree.  Those are three things I am not.  I  need to get this thinking out of my head!  It doesn't ever seem to go away, though.  Even when I was 15 pounds lighter (I'm working on getting back there), I still felt too fat and old for men to like me.

Am I alone in this?


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 9:36am


No I dont think you are alone in this because I think the age of the thirty somethings is a very challenging time.. as there are many books written about this time of life when career is still being assessed and being married or not being married and having kids or not having kids and having to be a certain weight and looks...In this day and age it is all about youth and being thin .. In our society anyway...

I also think we all as a group always need validation and comfort and someone telling us we are fine the way we are and unless we are the most secure people on the planet we will always find fault with ourselves....and that is understandable as we live in this society. Its just the nature of the beast.

If I were you I would just try and remain healthy and as best as you can be..and let nature take its course.. Eat right, exercise and all of that and start changing your thinking with behavior modification and start by ways to love yourself more. If you love you then everyone else will. I know easier said than done. I used to practice self care and self love and I still do at times when I remember. So I take a walk in the park or enjoy the outdoors and just notice the abundance around me.. I also love to soak in a salt bath or get a new haircut. All these things are loving and self care and make me feel good about me.

Oh; and everyone else can kiss my GRITS.........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 11:37am
At times I have felt this way and it gets worse when I'm not exercising or sleeping well. I look just fine, but the missed workout or lack of sleep suddenly has me convinced I'm a hippo. That's also the best cure I've found for this kind of thinking....getting off my rear and heading outside for a walk, going to yoga, or whatever other get moving activity suits my fancy. Then a good nights sleep and soon I'm feeling like my usual foxy self.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 11:39am

I do think if you don't like yourself, it will be harder to attract a man.  You know it logically that you're not too fat--and obviously not all guys like skinny women only.  It's not like every really fat woman is single--plenty of them attracted men to get married to.  I'm sure you must know someone like that personally.  And not all men want much younger women.  I'd say that the kind of men who do stick around are usually going to want someone closer to their own age.  A 35 yr old guy, say, who wants to date a 22 yr old woman, is probably doing it cause he wants a fling, not because he wants to get married & have kids.  But yes, I think everybody has insecurities about something--even when people interview supermodels, they always complain about some physical flaw that no one else notices.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 3:55pm
My two nieces on my brother's side are toothpicks and they struggle with body image. I took them to the lake over the summer and was shocked at how skeletal the oldest looked in her bikini. I didn't say anything but the next day she asked if I thought she looked anorexic. I told her she looked thin but that the weight will come in time and she should just enjoy being able to eat whatever she wants while she still can . . . I think everyone has body issues. The trick is acting as if they don't exist because insecurity is not attractive to anyone.
Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 7:08pm

You're right- the trick is acting like nothing is wrong.  That's what I usually do.  I wouldn't even mention these thoughts, except for on this board.  I work with someone who is constantly talking about how "fat" she is or what she ate, and she's a size 0/2.  Just yesterday, she walked into the lounge during lunch and announced, (I kid you not) "I'm going to have a Diet Pepsi today.  Does anyone care?  Anyone? Anyone?"  She said it like it was this huge ordeal and we should all berate her for it.  The rest of us all had our pop in our red solo cups right in front of us, so her saying it was a bad thing for her was saying the same for us.  She doesn't get that, though.  I'd never become that way- making my weight issues everyone else's weight issue.  I still have the thoughts, though.  I just don't share them.

I know the whole "love yourself" first stuff, and I do agree that people who go around hating life are awful to be around.  I don't think loving yourself guarantees others will, though.  Take, for example, the fact that I was quite confident in my teaching abilities until those awful parents tried to get me fired two years ago.  They did it simply because they didn't like me.  I do like the person I am.  But attacks on me do affect me, and I do compare my body to others.  I think that's part of being a woman.


Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 7:52pm

  Yes you are right.  How we see ourselves has a great influence on how we relate to other people.  Defeatist thinking sabotages efforts to achieve goals while offering excuses why it did not occur. 


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2012
Fri, 11-23-2012 - 11:11pm
Probably not. you're too preocupied with how you look and that is keeping men from seeing your personality, ignore what other women look like or what some men are choosing. If you don't feel happy with how you look however, change. If you want to lose 15lbs do it, you'll probably feel better but don't change just to please someone. Feel better.