Fighting Holiday Blues

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
Fighting Holiday Blues
Mon, 11-25-2013 - 5:28pm

Another year, another holiday spent without a significant other.  And after my OLD rapist scare I don't foresee that changing anytime soon. And MB from work only makes matters worse.  I know he cares about me but really it just makes me even sadder because if I'm going to be honest with myself I have to admit that I have fallen for him hard.  And that is what has been driving me to find someone, so I can forget about him.  It's very hard forgetting about someone that you have to see every day. It's even harder when he is the sweetest man I've ever known.  I had to work Saturday and of course he was there as well.  We didn't work together, he was in a totally different part of the building.  I worked 1/2 a day and he a full day. So here is the text conversation we had that he initiated:

The 2nd hald of the day just dragged...must have been because the presence of your beauty was not here!

Me: You are such a character. You weren't even around when I was there

Yeah but the presence of your beauty permeates every nook and cranny of the facility in which you are.

Me: You are so full of sh** that your eyes are gonna turn brown

Maybe the reason you keep attracting scumbags is because you don't believe in your own beauty...Your beautiful!! Live with it!! Own it!!

So I know he is trying to make me feel better but it had the totally opposite effect on me.  If he really feels that way about me than it's very sad because we could possibly make a great couple but he won't go there because of the age thing. If he doesn't really feel that way than it's pretty sad that I'm so pitiful he feels the need to say things like that to me. I have been looking for months for another job but I haven't had any luck unless I want to take a huge pay cut which I can't afford to do. But I did take a posters suggestion and have contacted the local hospital about possible volunteering on some weekends. Even if I don't find a man some single female friends would be nice too.  Most of mine are married and don't go out much.  The one single friend I do have is such a man hater that it's disturbing.  I have had way worse luck with men than her but I still can't get myself to hate them, even if they are dirt bags, lol. Yep, November & December suck big time. I can't wait for the holdiays to end and they haven't quite started yet. Being depressed is depressing, lol again.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Mon, 11-25-2013 - 8:19pm
That guy sounds awful. Any guy who can say things like that, but be unwilling to follow through is a complete player. He has you right where he wants you. Sounds like a complete jerk to me. As for the holidays, being around the kids in my family always cheers me up. I can't wait to see my niece. She's been asking for me, too. I'm even dating someone, but it's too soon to spend the holidays together. My family is all I've got.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 11-25-2013 - 10:58pm

I'm agreeing w/ Shywon on this one--the guy is actually a jerk because he's leading you on.  He knows that you care for him but he won't go out with you so what he is doing is unfair.  IF there was someone who liked me in a romantic way and I didn't want to encourage that, I'd go out of my way to treat the person nicely but to make sure that I didn't do anything to encourage the romantic feelings.  I am thinking of an older man that I know--I think he's a nice person but no way do I want to date him, so I'd never flirt with him because I don't want him to actually ask me out because I don't want to hurt his feelings by saying no.  I think sometimes it's nice to get a compliment from a man who you know isn't going to date you but not when it makes you long for him.  

As far as the holidays, I really look at it more as family time which is easier since I have kids and extended family around, so I don't really care whether I have a BF for Thanksgiving--what I"m thinking about is what should I cook.  For Christmas, I'm happy that my DD is going to be home.  Now NYE is the one that gets to me because that's not a family holiday--it's a party one and there are a bunch of things that sound exciting but would be much better to do with a date.  Last year at least I went out with friends which was a big improvement on the few preceding years when I did nothing.

I do think that looking for single female friends is a good start.  I figure that when you find friends, they are going to stick around longer than a guy and you need someone to do things with so you're not sitting home feeling sorry about yourself.  If you're out to dinner & a movie with a girlfriend, it might not be the same, but at least you're out having some fun and not being depressed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
Tue, 11-26-2013 - 4:32pm

I know that he seems that way but you would really have to know him.  He has admittedly tried to stay away from me and has succeeded for about 3 days but then he's back again. He is very sweet and considerate in most cases.  He just doesn't know how deep my feelings run because I haven't told him. I haven't told him because I know the age thing has him conflicted and I don't want to be the one to "push" him into something he is unsure of. I deserve better than that, and I DO believe that.  I know that he likes me more than just as a friend, heck EVERYONE knows it and they tease us both about it all the time.   I just don't "fit" into his plans for marriage because I think deep down he would like to have children. He also feels that I lack self confidence and he tries to build it up not knowing what it does to me.  But I don't lack it to the extreme he thinks otherwise I would have had my way with him by now, lol. About the holidays....I wish I had little ones around to make it fun but my nephew & niece who have the little ones live half way around the country.  It's just my parents, my older sister, my 18 year old, and I.  And don't get me wrong, I love them and love being with them but it's just not the same as a special someone or little ones running around with all their excitement for opening up gifts.  But today I'm up a little because it is snowing.  I know many hate the snow but the snow somehow gets me more in the holiday spirit.  And someday I will reach my wits end and tell MB to either make his move or move on. I was just hoping to find someone that would make that happen a bit sooner so I didn't have to keep struggling with my feelings for him :-).    Have a Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Tue, 11-26-2013 - 7:20pm

Flirtation is no harm when you have no feelings for him but when you do, it's real torture. I would say in this case, stop the fooling around text messages b/c it only intensify your desires.

I'm feeling the blues too as this is my first Christmas w/o my bf for 4 years. We were settling into a life together with our own traditions. So I'm sad actually and wish we were still together. he was a good person but unfortunately probably didn't love me enough to change.

This year I have quite a few things on my plate actually. I'm hosting a party for a local professional group next week. So major cleaning is needed, on short notice, very stressed out. Along with that a handy man is coming tomorrow to work on some projects so I have to get stuff ready. Since I've been wanting to list my house for sale, I have very few furnture and need some rentals. I'm also coordinating the food for my company christmas "party". My single gf already wants to make plan for Christmas with me, along with that my cousin and her husband are coming.

Fortunately I don't think the professional party at my house is big b/c of short notice. So a small group of 15-20 wouldn't be such a huge problem.

So I'm doing things but being with a bf is just a different feeling you know. I took on these responsibilities to escape the loneliness. We can't really control who comes into our lives. I think love when it's gone, it feels like the end of the world but it does come again, we just have to live with that conviction and in the mean times try to do other things.



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 3:14pm

That guy sounds awful. Any guy who can say things like that, but be unwilling to follow through is a complete player. He has you right where he wants you. Sounds like a complete jerk to me. 

Maybe this guy is just very shy and maybe just a little insecure with relationships with the opposite sex.  But we are all eligible for our own conclusions and opinions.  To characterize this guy as a "complete player" and a "complete jerk" doesn't speak very well for your grand leap from some odd behavior to impuning this guy.  Ever wonder about what others think about you, perhaps for no rational reason?  Scary, isn't it?