First Move?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
First Move?
8
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 3:44pm
Hey guys!! How is everyone doing?

Well, I just got rejected after making the first move for the first time in my life. I am only 18, but I am used to initiating a relationship/date because men often feel intrigued by me. Its been totaly cool, but this time the guy said that he isn't looking for a relationship right now. I know its not me and its good he didn't lead me on, but its still rejection. Its no big deal. The point of this discussion is - well... I was just wondering what you, other women, think about those ladies who ask men out on dates and such. I feel I may have hurt somebody. This one girl Amanda liked the guy I asked out, but she is shy and she may have been waiting for him to make a move, but now that I grabbed his attention away from her, she feels abandoned and continues to act friendly to me just because she's so sweet, but I think I'd win him back if i was her. What do you guys think about girls who make the moves? :) Thanks in advance. This is an interesting one...because men love it (thats what the lovely folks at iVillage say too)!!

Daria

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: rogue_x
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 9:35pm
Oh - I do all of those things - at work and socially - except when it comes to men needing to do most of the pursuing in the beginning. And it's not old fashioned at all - it's typical at least among the women I know in Manhattan (ages 30-37, generally).
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: rogue_x
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 6:16pm
Deena, I think you are an exception. Girls today are just different. They are a whole lot less inhibited and free with their thoughts. They are being brought up to speak their minds, and that's exactly what they do when they want a guy. Of course, this isn't every girl, but there are a whole lot more of them than there used to be.

I think you're just a little old fashioned, and that's fine. That doesn't mean that what works for you will work for everyone, though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: rogue_x
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 1:45pm
i'm just sayin' what i saw. there's a definite difference to the gender dynamics of today's north american youth culture.

in the 80s and early 90s, it was more about the women becoming more independant and free-willed. but now i'm seeing a difference in the boys - i don't know how to describe it exactly, but... there's a definite decrease in aggressive tendencies in regards to the dating ritual...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: rogue_x
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 12:20pm
Of course, I disagree. I too have that independent air, and always have - and I am no submissive wallflower - but when it comes to the narrow situation of who does the asking out in the beginning of a relationship and most of the pursuing, to me, generally it is the man. As I mentioned, it works fine if you don't want a serious relationship potentially leading to marriage - how many of those women you saw are in that type of relationship? As far as bi-curious - that has been around forever and ever - I grew up 20 minutes from Manhattan, after all - no change there. My best guess is that the woman you eventually marry will be someone where you do most of the asking out/pursuing in the beginning and that will be true for most of your friends. We thought times were changing in the 1980's too - not in this way, they haven't.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: rogue_x
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 9:31am
deena33, don't take the wrong way, but... i think things are changing (not sayin' you're an old fart like me, hehe). i was at a couple of clubs where most of the people were 19-22 (hey, i liked the music, alright?), i noticed a different dynamic... the girls had a more independant dominant aura about them, and the guys were more content to just lay back and chill. and at the risk of sounding like i'm generalizing too much, i noticed that there was a bit more of a bi-curious air as well...

times are a changin'. we can't advise youngsters based on our rememered cultural norms. values don't change, but the application of those values changes constantly...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: rogue_x
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 7:32am
I think the only men who really want women to ask them out are guys who are too shy to ask women out themselves. A guy who isn't shy but waits for women to ask him out might be uninterested in relationships, or just very narcissistic. Or he might be gay! Any normal man will ask you out if he is interested and you are giving him the right signals. You won't have to ask him out. As far as women who ask men out, I tend to think their moms didn't tell them how male-female relationships work! Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: rogue_x
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 7:11pm
My views - as a 36 year old woman with over 20 years dating experience - of course men love it and are flattered by it - but in general you won't see many happy long term relationships or marriages where the woman made the first move and did most of the pursuing in the beginning. Just because a man is flattered by it doesn't mean it turns him on and keeps him interested for the long haul. Typically, when people say they are not looking for a relationship right now it means - "with that person" - not in general - and everyone gets rejected. If you are just looking for short term flings/casual dating - it really doesn't matter who makes the first move - but if you are looking for something lasting, making the first move is an unncessary risk. I also don't buy the "if he's the right one he won't be turned off" - that is circular reasoning- someone can be the right one for you but your actions can change that - it's not like a magical fate thing - it's based on many things including timing, vibes, chemistry - which can be thrown off by one person overwhelming the other with too much attention early on or usurping the role that person wants to have. Most men I know would be flattered if pursued and those same men typically are most intrigued by women who let them do the pursuing, particularly in the beginning. And it doesn't matter how intriguing you are - indeed, if you are that intriguing, you shouldn't have to pursue, right?
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: rogue_x
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 4:43pm
I don't think that I make the first move- but I could be wrong! I try to make sure that the guy knows that if he makes a move, I'll be receptive. Guys like that chase. When I was about your age, I did ask out a guy I had a crush on. He rejected me and I was devastated. In hindsight, I can see that I gave this guy signals for three years and he never took the bait. That should have told me something, but at 17 it didn't. I think as long as a woman is obvious with her signals, she won't need to make that first move.

As for what I think about women who do, I don't really think too much. Everyone has their own way of doing things, and that's fine. I do think that if a woman is always the chaser and never the chasee, she needs to back off a little. I don't know too many women like that, though.