Fixing a Broken Picker

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Fixing a Broken Picker
31
Fri, 07-27-2012 - 12:54am

Perhaps a few of you have come to the same realization that I have: my picker is broken.  I probably wouldn't know a good man if he rode up on a white steed with two dozen long stem roses and 5 carats.  I hate to admit it, but in this area of life I have failed so far.

Part of me is so exhausted by repeatedly dashed hopes that I cannot even muster the energy to dream anymore. Another part of me thinks, "Surely, it's not that hard to fix whatever's wrong with me and become more "chill" about the innumerable flaws most men have when you get to know them."

I firmly believe the adage "You attract what you ARE, not what you WANT."  Ergo, my admitting to the busted picker.  Yes, I have a tangled past - who doesn't? Yes, I have become cynical.  Yes, I have burned many other people and been burned many times myself.  All said, it must be that I am the relationally challenged one.  

How in the world can I possibly get perspective on myself enough to resolve whatever issues are causing me to prefer unavailable or completely unsuitable men?  I can't count how many therapists of all levels I've seen in my life, how many speakers, books, courses and lectures I've attended on personal growth and development.  

I felt a lightning bolt of chemistry today with a man who drove past me in a workman's van. Like, earth-shaking chemistry.  If I was a casting director, I'd cast him as an "enforcer" for a mob boss. I didn't even know I liked that type.  It was all I could do not to turn around and tail him. In my luxury sports car, tailing a service worker, trying to pick him up, just because I thought he was hot. This is ridiculous.  But that's more chemistry than I feel in a month! In three months!

HOW DO WE/I RECOGNIZE the thought patterns that make my brain misfire and choose men who are wrong for me? HOW do I start picking the right ones? How do you?  Are we the blind leading the blind with that question? I don't know.  But I must resolve this. Dare I say WE must resolve this.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Re: Fixing a Broken Picker
Fri, 07-27-2012 - 5:25pm

I think (hope) I've actually gotten more picky since my 2nd div--that was an expensive lesson.  I knew going into my 2nd marriage that it wouldn't last.  The good parts were that I found a guy who was crazy about me (crazy being the important word there), thought I was beautiful & was good at sex.  He was also responsible as far as having a job, not having drug/alcohol or gambling problems and he was smart.  However I totally ignored major red flags of odd behavior, his temper & him being mean to his own DD and my DD not liking him.  I was kind of desperate to have someone around--but of course if you asked me that I would have said no.  Now I know I can be alone even if I don't like it sometimes so hopefully I wouldn't get taken in by a "just breathing" jerk.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Re: Fixing a Broken Picker
Fri, 07-27-2012 - 9:30pm

Omg!! My friend had also suggested that horrible idea about practice dates...I know that I need to socialize more.The goodnews is that me and my friend went out last night and I had a very good time! I had 3 guys wanting my ph#..2 out of the 3 I was not attracted to at all and the 3rd one looked ok BUT he was sort of creepy..stating that he finds me very sexy and that he likes me...ok that was my 1st time ever seeing that guy in my life!!! Another good news is that my friend stated to me that she has seen some progress in me with socializing.Eventhough that guy was sort of creepy...I did dance with him off and on during the night because there is nothing wrong with dancing and he never touched me inappropriately....yeah I'm all for at least dating someone that I find attaractive because if I find that their inner  soul isn't..then the attractiveness that I had for that person goes away fast!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 12:06am

Just back from dinner with an Italian girlfriend.  She lives in LA for about 6 years now. She said, "I can't understand this American custom of dating.  Why spend months getting to know someone and finding out you don't like him?  We dont' even have a word for dating in my country.  You like him, you want to sleep with him, you do.  It works, it doesn't work, it goes on." 

THAT is exactly how I think life should be lived.  I've had sex in the first 6 hours of meeting a man; I've dated men for months before deciding.  I've had sex once BEFORE the first date (mmm, he was handsome!) I have concluded through my research that whether or not it becomes a Relationship has NOTHING to do with the sex.  Period. 

Maybe this is my new path: no more dating. Only acting on authentic chemistry, or not. Which means the SA is still in, but all the others are not. Period.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 7:49am

I sorta kinda like that theory because life is short enough and I dont like dating but one would have to be psychic or have the best gut and intuition to really know the person without getting totally hurt.. I wish it were that easy and maybe it is..

I know if I met a great guy today and we hit it off I would be moving in with him and that would be that.. Just eliminate the middle stuff of dating and all... I wish it were that easy... I guess if I didnt like him after a bit I would just move out.

That did happen to me twice in my lifetime and when it didnt work out we just broke up and I left.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 3:10pm

Free, let's look at this logically:

1. Most of us can affirm that dating hasn't led to a wonderful relationship recently.

2. Most of us admit that sex would be really nice before we get too old to care about it.

3. Waiting to know someone doesn't appear to statistically reduce one's chances of getting hurt - it just makes you feel like you've wasted a lot of time barking up the wrong tree.

4. Becoming lovers doesn't appear to statistically reduce one's chances of getting hurt - it just makes you feel like you've wasted a lot of time barking up the wrong tree.

5. Marrying some guy you think you know well doesn't appear to statistically reduce one's chances of getting hurt - it just makes you feel like you've wasted a lot of time barking up the wrong tree.

In conclusion, perhaps it's the American SYSTEM of male-female interaction, with all its allegedly moral overlays, that causes this deep level of discontent. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 7:21pm

I think it depends a lot on what you're looking for.  If you want primarily sex, then all that's necessary is physical attraction.  If it's some companionship, then you just keep being with each other until someone gets tired of it--of course that will cause some hurt to the person who doesn't choose to end things.  I think you only have to make huge decisions about whether the person is "right" if you're considering marriage, living together or having children together.  That's the one bonus of being older esp if we already had kids--we don't have to decide if a relationship is going to be forever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 9:23pm

Music, I think about this.  I always have in the back of my mind, "Could I endure this person long term?" Rarely, the answer has been yes, and in those cases, when it ended, I was crushed.  (Four times in my life so far.)  But it is a lot of hassle maintaining sexual or quasi-romantic relationships with multiple men, even if they know about one another and are OK with it.  It consumes too much time.  It would be easier to hang out with/make love wiht just one guy, and even then, not daily.

My neighbor - the same one who whipped out his thing and invited me to put it in my mouth a few months ago - and his wife - with whom he says he can't get it up - were leaving on a trip to the strawberry festival today.  They'd been invited by a farmer to come up and enjoy a meal with him and some guests - mostly made out of strawberries - then spend the night in some romantic hotel up there.  (It's about 1.25 hours north of where we live.)  They were leaving when I came back from sports, and he was carrying things she'd packed to the car. He made two trips while I talked to her!  I thought 1) I'd love to be going on a little trip with my man and 2) it would be so cute to have someone else manhandle the luggage and 3) I would only go if we also have a good sex life.  I felt a pang of sadness when they left, like "How do I create that in my life, too?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 11:05pm

Oh I so know what you mean.  I don't really mean multiple men at the same time, but more than you can have a relationship that doesn't necessarily have to be forever--but then it's always sad when it ends, isn't it?  It would surely be nice to have the companionship and affection of one person that you can count on and not always have to be looking for someone all the time.  As a married friend of mine said "I don't have to worry about having a date on New Year's Eve" where of course I am usually alone & doing nothing on New Year's Eve.  Well let's hope that we'll all find someone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Sun, 07-29-2012 - 1:58pm

Same goal in mind, I texted the SA today - about 3 hours ago - asking him if he's up for a playdate this week. No response. I know he gets up at 6 automatically, so he's just being a jerk (again)   He will eventually text and blame it on having custody of his daughter this weekend - which is true - but the kid is 17 and has a busy sports life, so it's not like there's no moment to write back "OK".  

The fact that this kind of behavior makes me angry belies my intent to have no feelings for him.

The Dutchman is so weird!  I dumped him and told him its because he lied to that other woman (wife? girlfriend? lover?) and he wrote back and said, "I want to talk to you about this."  So I called just to see what he'd say (I have no emotions about him, even though we've been intimate way more often than I have with the SA) It was 7:30 AM and he said, "I'm working on the papers for my visa and I'm very busy.  I'm at Starbucks.  Can we talk later?"  When I hung up, I realized he's likely waiting for today's morning date.  That's really how he is, and if I'd driven to Starbucks, I'd have caught him in the act.  I should have done it - there are only 3 within a few miles of our homes.  Damn.

He's not worth more trouble, but like you said Heather, the drive for good sex and the risk of emotionally falling for someone once we find it is pretty strong. I should probably cut off the SA because I'm at great risk. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 07-29-2012 - 3:14pm

Here is what I th ink for what its worth.. I really truly think that we on this board and in the world are in different stages of life and love and men and women and all of that.. I think Music always mentions something like this.. I mean I am 58 years old and aging and although I am holding up (or I think i am) I  have no expectations or anything.. If I remotely met a man right now it would be for some companionship and hope and pray he could maintain an errection for sex.. Yes; I feel bad and sad everytime I see a couple across the street or someone traveling with their companion or wife or husband or going away for the day.. That does hurt alot and I keep praying maybe God will be nice and put someone in my path but he hasnt so far but maybe just maybe it might happen.. I dont stop my life though waiting for it.. I might cry a bit and hope and pray and then look on OLD and see no one and no one sees me.

I might go out and talk to men and socialize and hope maybe I might meet someone but that doesnt happen.. I might do this or that or take a walk or I have even asked people if they know anyone and they say no.. I know my limits and what is going to come along if they ever do but its pretty hopeless at 58 and female and all of that stuff but there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.. I might just go to the retirement village my gfriend lives in Florida and live and wait for death.. I guess its an option because I dont see anything else for me right now.. I cant afford to live where I want and there are no jobs and no men so what else is there?

I am not looking for goo goo ga ga love or anything because BTDT and it wont happen because timing is all off. I dont believe in soul mates or love anymore. So if I met a guy right now and it went well and we were nice to each other we could get a place together and just live and then when we got tired of each other we move on.

Am I making sense??

Pages