Fixing a Broken Picker

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Fixing a Broken Picker
31
Fri, 07-27-2012 - 12:54am

Perhaps a few of you have come to the same realization that I have: my picker is broken.  I probably wouldn't know a good man if he rode up on a white steed with two dozen long stem roses and 5 carats.  I hate to admit it, but in this area of life I have failed so far.

Part of me is so exhausted by repeatedly dashed hopes that I cannot even muster the energy to dream anymore. Another part of me thinks, "Surely, it's not that hard to fix whatever's wrong with me and become more "chill" about the innumerable flaws most men have when you get to know them."

I firmly believe the adage "You attract what you ARE, not what you WANT."  Ergo, my admitting to the busted picker.  Yes, I have a tangled past - who doesn't? Yes, I have become cynical.  Yes, I have burned many other people and been burned many times myself.  All said, it must be that I am the relationally challenged one.  

How in the world can I possibly get perspective on myself enough to resolve whatever issues are causing me to prefer unavailable or completely unsuitable men?  I can't count how many therapists of all levels I've seen in my life, how many speakers, books, courses and lectures I've attended on personal growth and development.  

I felt a lightning bolt of chemistry today with a man who drove past me in a workman's van. Like, earth-shaking chemistry.  If I was a casting director, I'd cast him as an "enforcer" for a mob boss. I didn't even know I liked that type.  It was all I could do not to turn around and tail him. In my luxury sports car, tailing a service worker, trying to pick him up, just because I thought he was hot. This is ridiculous.  But that's more chemistry than I feel in a month! In three months!

HOW DO WE/I RECOGNIZE the thought patterns that make my brain misfire and choose men who are wrong for me? HOW do I start picking the right ones? How do you?  Are we the blind leading the blind with that question? I don't know.  But I must resolve this. Dare I say WE must resolve this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Re: Fixing a Broken Picker
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 5:14am

 

'.It seems like I have two choices: Accept the crumbs that fall from the master's table; or give up.  Being on this board has helped me realize those are the only two options left.'

No. No for the first, and no for the second. BUT. You need to understand that sad as it may be, you will not get your whole perfect package. Which seems to be a very tall very handsome and very rich business owner around your age who is also very clever, fun, witty, amuzing, amazing plus absolutely fantastic in bed. This is what you have to give up on. ALL of the things in one (single and available) man. This is your perfection, and perfection doesn't exist - unless you are a 20 y old famous super model...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 6:57am

yes and yes, couldnt agree more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 2:33pm

Well, here's what I think: I am bringing WAAAAY more to the party than most men are.  I am confident, successful, good looking, reasonably affluent, cultured, healthy, energetic, high sex drive, good in bed, caring, giving, a good cook, a very good baker, stable, accomplished, well-groomed, well-traveled, etc. etc.  I AM all those things. So why in the WORLD would I accept a man into my life who is sorely lacking?

THIS is the heart of my issue. The men who are "in my league" ARE the types I describe here. And I DO date those men, and yet they are all either players (because men who are my equal have "earned the right" to date women 20 years younger than they are) or they have other insurmountable issues in their personalities or their peckers. 

Frankly, probably like most of you, I'm one hell of a package.  And it's hard finding a man who even meets my standards, much less wows me. The older, wealthy guy who lives in Hawaii would have been a decent enough catch if we were even just 20 yrs closer in age, but in truth, his self-centeredness and physical unattractiveness probably would have killed it for me if he were younger.  Why is it that high achieving men so often believe their own press releases and think they hung the moon?  Ugh!

If this seems arrogant to anyone, that's not my intent.  I have plenty of flaws, some of which can be corrected if I get the right surgery (and get over being squeamish!)  I am pretty conscious of my own weaknesses AND my own strengths. But I don't want to be the Alpha Male in any more relationships. Thus, the issue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 3:02pm

well Marina I truly believe you are all the things you said. I dont doubt that and I do understand what you are saying.

the only other thing I think is that its 2012 and people are strange and out for themselves and there is a very selfish self centered world out there and if whomever can get whomever they want then they will do it ..

It doesnt matter if you are gorgeous, smart, tall, skinny, educated, lovely, can cook, bake, fry the bacon and bring home the money people are not what they were years ago.... Its a different world. Its cruel and superficial and scary and ruthless.

So I would highly suggest you move to an area where people are nicer and more down to earth.. I can bet you would meet a nice guy if you did that............ Broaden your horizens and think out of the L.A. circle..It might be the moon though so let us know when your rocket ship is taking off.

Good Luck

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 6:07pm

Marina, you make a lot of lists.  Why is that?  Is it self affirmation or do you think we don't believe that you are all of those things?  I assure you I mean no offense.  I've always wondered, and am finally risking ruffling your feathers by asking. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 8:42pm

Why would it ruffle my feathers?  I make lists for everything!  You should see my desk, my kitchen, my journal, my filing cabinet, and so on ! I have lists of goals, plans to get them; lists of people, digital lists, paper lists, hand written lists, typed lists, on and on and on.  My whole life is organized into lists, some qualitative, some quantitative. How else would one stay organized and aware? 

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 12:12pm

Confident individuals generally don't feel compelled to make lists, publicly and on a regular basis, about why they are such a phenomenal catch.  I've always pondered the reasoning behind them... 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 1:06pm

You mean a list that is written down or a list in your head .. I mean I have a list in my head of my pluses and also my faults.. I have other people tell me great qualities that I have so I dont know what you guys mean?

This is weird but my exH used to have sooooooooooooooo many lists all over the place... He used to write down when he needed to get the mail. The counselor told me that its a form of control.. I have no idea and  not sure if this relates but it just reminded of this.. My guy friend always reminds me of things I  need to do because I am the Queen of procrastination.. He actually will say oh; did you get gas today.. Did you go to Walmart and get that coffee? Did you get a hair cut?? I mean its like having a personal secretary which I like.. My guy friend though has OCD.. Not saying you guys have this or that but just saying..

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 8:22pm

I am very big at making lists at work--I have so many cases to work on, if I didn't make a list and write down what I have to do on each one, I would forget too much stuff.  I am terrible w/ grocery shopping lists though--I'll just go into the store after work & try to remember what I need & then aways forget something.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 8:47pm

And even then there is no guarantee.  I would be thrilled to find a man around my age that is kind, funny, has a good job, attractive to ME,and is available.  But even that is hard to find at 51.

 

juliasuk wrote:

 

'.It seems like I have two choices: Accept the crumbs that fall from the master's table; or give up.  Being on this board has helped me realize those are the only two options left.'

No. No for the first, and no for the second. BUT. You need to understand that sad as it may be, you will not get your whole perfect package. Which seems to be a very tall very handsome and very rich business owner around your age who is also very clever, fun, witty, amuzing, amazing plus absolutely fantastic in bed. This is what you have to give up on. ALL of the things in one (single and available) man. This is your perfection, and perfection doesn't exist - unless you are a 20 y old famous super model...