Fixing a Broken Picker

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Fixing a Broken Picker
31
Fri, 07-27-2012 - 12:54am

Perhaps a few of you have come to the same realization that I have: my picker is broken.  I probably wouldn't know a good man if he rode up on a white steed with two dozen long stem roses and 5 carats.  I hate to admit it, but in this area of life I have failed so far.

Part of me is so exhausted by repeatedly dashed hopes that I cannot even muster the energy to dream anymore. Another part of me thinks, "Surely, it's not that hard to fix whatever's wrong with me and become more "chill" about the innumerable flaws most men have when you get to know them."

I firmly believe the adage "You attract what you ARE, not what you WANT."  Ergo, my admitting to the busted picker.  Yes, I have a tangled past - who doesn't? Yes, I have become cynical.  Yes, I have burned many other people and been burned many times myself.  All said, it must be that I am the relationally challenged one.  

How in the world can I possibly get perspective on myself enough to resolve whatever issues are causing me to prefer unavailable or completely unsuitable men?  I can't count how many therapists of all levels I've seen in my life, how many speakers, books, courses and lectures I've attended on personal growth and development.  

I felt a lightning bolt of chemistry today with a man who drove past me in a workman's van. Like, earth-shaking chemistry.  If I was a casting director, I'd cast him as an "enforcer" for a mob boss. I didn't even know I liked that type.  It was all I could do not to turn around and tail him. In my luxury sports car, tailing a service worker, trying to pick him up, just because I thought he was hot. This is ridiculous.  But that's more chemistry than I feel in a month! In three months!

HOW DO WE/I RECOGNIZE the thought patterns that make my brain misfire and choose men who are wrong for me? HOW do I start picking the right ones? How do you?  Are we the blind leading the blind with that question? I don't know.  But I must resolve this. Dare I say WE must resolve this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 8:50pm

I agree, free.  My sister, who is married and lived in Agoura Hills for 15 years, grew weary of the whole LA mentality.  I love to visit there, but could never live there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 9:54pm

Agoura is a far more domestic, laid-back, religiously-oriented, family-oriented place than the parts of LA I've lived in.  I could NEVER endure it - it's not even SIMILAR to the LA  I know, so that's really funny.  How funny!  I think most urban LA residents think places like Agoura and Pasadena and La Crescenta are where you go to raise a family.  Single people do not flourish in those little villages.  How funny to hear your sister's perspective! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2012
Re: Fixing a Broken Picker
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 1:17am
As disheartneing and discouraging as it can be, you're right, hope springs eternal.

The key, though, is the work you do on yourself *between* relationships. Like anything else, we see the most progress in an area when we make a conscious plan and effort to improve upon it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2012
Re: Fixing a Broken Picker
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 1:21am
Oh my God Marina, don;t you dare say your only options are to give up or settle for less! That makes me so sad and indignant at the same time! No, Marine! You deserve more, but to get a different result you'll have to take a different approach!

And while it's true that men appreciate beauty, what's important is that a woman is doing her best to make the most of her looks and presenting herself with self-respect and care. There are some beauty tips that will make women of any age feel immediately more attractive, and that's half the battle!


How young are you if you don't mind my asking?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2012
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 1:28am

marina said: "Free, let's look at this logically:

1. Most of us can affirm that dating hasn't led to a wonderful relationship recently.

2. Most of us admit that sex would be really nice before we get too old to care about it.

3. Waiting to know someone doesn't appear to statistically reduce one's chances of getting hurt - it just makes you feel like you've wasted a lot of time barking up the wrong tree.

4. Becoming lovers doesn't appear to statistically reduce one's chances of getting hurt - it just makes you feel like you've wasted a lot of time barking up the wrong tree.

5. Marrying some guy you think you know well doesn't appear to statistically reduce one's chances of getting hurt - it just makes you feel like you've wasted a lot of time barking up the wrong tree.

In conclusion, perhaps it's the American SYSTEM of male-female interaction, with all its allegedly moral overlays, that causes this deep level of discontent. "


 

I can't speak to how content Italians are in their relationships relative to our 'grass is greener on the other side' belief of how happy they are, but I can say that your head and over thinking seems to be a big part of your challegne, Marina. Your logical thinking in this post and one of the early ones about settling or giving up are both using your head too much to come to really crappy conclusions. I don't say that to be mean, but it's pretty obvious you're thinking your way out of love.

I would know. I was a heady bloody headerson myself for years and it kept intimacy at bay. Sure I was never vulnerable, but also, I was never truly close and loved until I got past my logical armor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 12:12am

Hello Barry,

I don't know if you're a male or a female chiming in, but more the merrier.  I think you might be new - using my head is the NEW and IMPROVED method - I've used everything but my head too many times in the past.  I am trying different combinations to see what opens the lock.  So far, being vulnerable and open has not worked; being just centered in the pleasure of the interaction hasn't worked; being patient hasn't worked; and being open-hearted hasn't worked. Being very kind hasn't worked; trusting right away, trusting after a year or more of dating and, trusting after 10 years of marriage hasn't worked.  

I have a large enough representative sample to reach conclusions, and using the others here and in my "real life" as a control group, I am making conclusions empirically.  That's good for a change! 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 8:01am

Oh my ... this is definitely a thread I need to read LOL.  My picker is so BROKEN.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 5:32pm

Wow, after reading this I see so many similarities in what I am experiencing now and what many of you are going through. I admit that I have been through a lot of men in my life, but all one at a time (I was married 4 times and engaged 3 other times - yeah my picker is WAY broken lol). I am starting to think my ship has sailed and I will never find someone that has all the qualities that I need in a mate.  If I could take a couple of the past guys and mix and match their characteristics I could make the perfect man though! 

I am as lost as any of you though, I haven't been single in so long and actually looking to date or mingle again that I forgot how it works.  Any suggestions on flirting?  I never did much of that and I would really like to learn. I think I am gonna become a 'cougar' lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 10:33pm

Welcome to the club, Kins! 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 10:50pm
Tami, I've seen some of your older posts on another board. You are very creative!