Fling, FWB, Friend.... I dont know!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fling, FWB, Friend.... I dont know!!!!!
15
Tue, 06-18-2013 - 4:05pm

Hello folks..

Here is the back story... About two years ago I met a guy online dating .. We met for a date and he was really nice and we had a good time.. He is 60 years old and lives in Staten Island New York and you guys know I live on Long Island. NY.. After the date he went back home and we remained sort of friends... Talking online and on phone once in awhile.. Over the two years he has told me about his dates and last two gfriends..Both of whom sounded to me very unstable. but now he is without a relationship.. . Anyway; He never came to visit or asked me out again.. I assumed it was the distance although I never really asked and never thought much about it..

Fast forward to present time and we were talking on facebook for a few weeks and over the year and he would still call and say hi and all.. Well last week he took a ride where I live with his friend and he came to my house and we all went out for lunch and the beach and all. I think I mentioned this on my other post.. Anyway;; He is now flirting with me on facebook and I think asking me out again but I am not sure.. He said we have to go to the new restaurant where you live (me) and check that out.. I said okay anytime let me know.. He is off for the summer as he is a professor..

Now I dont care but just saying and you know us women thinking sounds like a FWB to me and wondering should I do it if that is what he is thinking or  I mean how many offers will I get at my age ?? (lol)...But do friends with benefits get dates and dinner??. So either its a fling or FWB right??

I just want to be somewhat prepared for this if it ever happens??

any thoughts/?

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 06-18-2013 - 4:41pm

I think it is so hard to tell at the beginning what someone's intentions are and maybe a lot of times they don't know themselves cause they don't know you that well & have to see how things go.  Like my saga of being with that guy a whole two times--after the first time I couldn't tell if it was a date or just friends and the 2nd time together didn't make it any clearer--it never got to the sex part since we were never alone together, so maybe that should have been a clue that he wasn't that interested.

But why do you think it could only be either fling or FWB?  Because of the distance?  or because he has known you for a while and never followed through?  It could be that he dated these nutty women and then decided maybe he'd try someone not too nutty.  I think you should decide what you want from him--would you be ok with casual dating when he's in the area or seeing him once in a while?  Would you be ok w/ a FWB or would that make you feel worse if you didn't see him that much?  then at least you know what you would want or not put up with.  I do think a lot of FWB do get the dates--they just don't get a commitment or promise that things will get more serious.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 06-18-2013 - 4:56pm

oh; Music.. You give some interesting thoughts..Yes I think if it turned into anything at all it appears fwb or fling because of the distance and because he is looking for something to do in the summertime and he absolutely loves to come to this area. He used to live around here as a kid in a beach house with his parents so he has these weird old time fond memories of this area.. Sometimes it feels like he has some weird crush on me because he did kiss me two years ago but he didnt kiss me this time but he sorta kinda hugged me and there was a sort of spark there ...

What I think maybe in my stupid head is that I could make this into something if I tried but I am not sure I want to go to that space ... like you said not sure a fling would bother me or a FWB would bother me.. I havent had those things since I was very very young..

Well lets see if he even commits to another date because he could be filled with hot air.. I just want to be prepared either for whatever it could be or the big let down.. KWIM..(lol)

 

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Tue, 06-18-2013 - 5:28pm

My thoughts, for what they are worth, are that he might actually want ot date you or it could be friendship he is after.  It's diificult to discern because I don't know how he interacts with you.  I say go with the flow and if you are right then you might have some choices to make in the near future ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 06-18-2013 - 6:32pm

Yes go with the flow but (why is there always a butt).... you know we women are?? does he want to date me. is he just kidding around?? does he want this or that.. Not sure what I mean by prepared.. Oh; me thinking he wants to be good friends or something more and then he goes and starts telling me about his new gfriend...that is what I think I mean and then I will start feeling like mud or something.. I dont want that feeilng of feeling like mud anymore.. BTDT.. KWIM???

oh; he interacts very well.. We have some sort of chemistry and he is very friendly and nice.. A bit quirky but nothing drastic.. ...We are like very good friends from a distance.. I was a bit shocked that he came to the house and we went out and then he and his friend even hung out here at the house for about two hours.. My sis even spoke to them for awhile.. He even took some pictures of us and posted them... so it was kinda fun.. I would love to have that kinda fun with someone for awhile...

I do know in my heart and soul that God or source Energy is going to provide me with someone since my friend Nick passed.. I just dont know who it will be or what it will be.. Nick and I were really good friends and went out and hung out but nothing physical... So either this is they guy or he isnt.. I am just asking source is he here yet?? No answer yet??

 

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Tue, 06-18-2013 - 6:33pm

Guys who just want sex will not make plans in advance. They'll just start to feel they want some lovin' and you'll get a call. Given his distance, you might get that call a few hours in advance, but not days. Guys who just want sex also don't make much of an effort to get to know you. There's no "how was your day?" or "What are you doing this weekend?"  They're far more likely to center the conversation around sex, and they do it very early on.  Can you tell I have some experience with this?? 

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Tue, 06-18-2013 - 7:56pm

Free, I have an idea.  We will make a bazillion dollars, too!  All we have to do is learn how to read mens minds.  Then write a book carefully explining to all of the confused ladies out here, why men do X, Y, and Z.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 06-18-2013 - 8:07pm

Oh; Shy you make some good points. So why would a guy drive two hours for a FWB.. that wouldnt make sense.. unless I just hopped in my car and went to his house and rang the doorbell and said here I am??..oy vei

CFK.. well I think there are way too many books out there unless a new book for 2013 has to come out .. A book on how old people should date and how senior citizens get it on  and have sex.. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.. could be a best seller. Let me start on chapter one.... who wants to help??

oh; well I am probably making this into something it wont be but like I said I dont want to hear him tell me next week he met a girl....

You know maybe this does mean men and women cant be friends.. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm .. another interesting observation.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 06-19-2013 - 12:52am

The year is 2013, not 1965!  Instead of worrying about what HE wants, why don't you decide what YOU want from this man, if anything.  I don't get the impression that the one date you had with him included any kind of intimacy, either.  He's talked to you as a friend, he's told you about other women he's dated, and it reallly doesn't matter what you thought of them.  Now you think he's flirting with you on facebook?  How?  He mentioned going to a new restaurant, but hasn't confirmed a specific date.  It doesn't sound like he's looking for much of anything at all!  But, as I said, the year is 2013, and if YOU want to see more of him, then why not just tell him that?  If you want a fling, or an FWB, then either tell him that, or at least "start something" when you see him.  There are two people involved in this situation, so why are you so worried about what he wants or doesn't want?  How about what you want or don't want......and why not go for it, IF you want it.  This isn't the past when men ruled the situation.  Women are free to do what THEY want, including make advances.......IF they want to.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Wed, 06-19-2013 - 12:50pm

"....I mean how many offers will I get at my age ?? (lol)..."

I know you might be kidding, but I think one should never settle for less because they feel they get very few offers. I would never be one to say that it's easy to connect with men when you are older, but I would rather die alone than to feel I had to jump at a chance, just because it was offered. But if you truly want a FWB (if that is what is eventually offered) then go for it.

Like the others, I don't think you can really tell what he's thinkig at this point. But I will say it doesn't seem very date-like if he brought his friend along.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 06-19-2013 - 1:47pm

Yeah; He brought his friend and I had two men that day so I assumed it was a good day all the way around.. It was like feeling special when two men were paying attention to me.. Oh; the Irony of it....

Yes I was sort of kidding about this but even if it wasnt him I was just talking out loud about if someone came along and offered FWB I am wondering if I would do it... I mean it is true and I dont care what anyone says that as we age how many offers or opportunities do we get/? I just want to know in my heart of hearts that I am not passing up anything right now if it stares me in the face.. KWIM??? I dont want to have any regrets.. plus I dont suscribe to waiting for Mr. Right. I think at this time in my life its Mr. Right now but then again yes I have reservations about it all..

Yes it would be nice and perfect to get into a real relationship but how long do we wait for that.. ..Of course I would never get into something abusive or bad or anything but being alone now for four years is brutal..

oh; I have asked him about me and he says I am great blah blah blah but we live too far away from each other but he did say he would visit from time to time.. trust me people I dont care either way and I wont hold my breath.. I just love to talk about things happening in singledom life to keep the thread going..

 

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