Is forever realistic anymore?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Is forever realistic anymore?
17
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 8:37pm

Hi there! I've changed my name... I use to be feelingratherlost - Kristen here! :)

Just stopping in to see what's going on! I got on alittle over a week ago and spent some time reading. But now I have something to contribute so let me know what you think!

Is it really realistic to think marriage can last forever in today's world?

In 10 years I've watched one friend whom I stood next to at her wedding, pop out 4 kids with her man and they are now divorced because he dealt with his life stresses by turning to some hoes found in pitch weekly (they were among the most religious of my friends). I watched another friend lose 30 pounds after marriage and realize her skinny self wanted to go out and have fun, so bye bye husband. Another friend married, "accused" her husband of fooling around, when in my opinion she just wanted out and finally got her way. Another friend is currently going through a divorce after 10 years together (no kids) and she just decided one day she didn't "love" him anymore - "not like a wife should" and so they are divorcing!

Whatever happened to forever?

Maybe my view is rather skewed because there isn't ONE marriage within my line of sight that has lasted (their first and only) and where they are still happy together.

But here I am with the same guy after 10 years... but we aren't married. And I can't help but wonder... do I believe in marriage anymore? atleast "forever" marriage! I'm sure EVERYONE, including all my friends above, thought "I love him and want to be with him forever" before they married. They might have even thought they'd thought about things, for instance whether they were meant to be together and they must have come to the conclusion they were! And yet... here they are... divorced - or divorcing! So what makes a couple last forever? Or is it even possible in a society that has us believing if we aren't 100% happy to change our situation!

What happened to commitment - no matter what!?

I guess while I love my man more today than I did 10 years ago and after 10 years I STILL want to be with him and like those that have gone before me I WANT to grow old with him - I guess I can't be naive enough to think I won't end up right where so many have ended up. Is it realistic to think 10 years from now I will still love him, I will still want to be with him, neither of us will have found a reason to stray!?

Is it possible to truly commit in the 21st Century!?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 10:15pm

I think a lot of people view marriage as a companionship based on what the other person presented while dating. In today's society it's just too easy to fall "in love" with someone because they look nice, or the sex is good, or they happen to be everything they ever wanted, until the newness wears off and reality sets in.

I also think that people get married for the wrong reasons, because it is the thing to do. If two people date for so many years everyone starts asking "so when are you getting married." I'm sure you get that with your SO.

I married for the wrong reasons, and then divorced 9 years later - not surprisingly. I almost married another man and thank God that didn't work out, because when I look back at the relationship, we were just clouded by good sex, and there wasn't much else there.

My marriage, and my almost-marriage, was built on shifting sand. The waves eroded away the foundation and we had no firm ground to stand on. If I ever get married again (BIG IF!) I will make sure that it is a relationship built on a rock with a foundation of friendship and respect. I'm also a Christian, so I firmly believe that the only way two people with completely different experiences and viewpoints can successfully come together is if they let God be the glue between them. Because marriage was never intended to be temporary; our society has made it like that. And that's just sad :(

So, to answer your question, I think forever is still possible, but I think it takes more effort than most people are willing to exert. And couples have to work even harder at it in today's world.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 10:55am

Hey Kristen!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 7:46pm

writerchick, this "but I think it takes more effort than most people are willing to exert. And couples have to work even harder at it in today's world." is right on! Your whole post is how I feel.

Kelli - see this is where I feel like I'm NOT confused and I have awareness and I'm not just going in to it like "we'll make it" I know it's gonna be hard and making it last takes alot! Hence why my relationship has lasted 10 years. And my apprehension... well like you said these people were 20 when they married and ten years later decided it wasn't what they wanted anymore. With that information, who am I to think that ten years from now my guy will still be who I want??! He's what I want now... will I have what it takes to make my marriage last through the long haul!?

That's my confusion - my confusion is not what I feel for my guy!

I had alot of time to explore who I am through my 20s even with him in my life. I took two solo trips - one to Montana and one to Utah. I lived on my own and learned to care for myself emotionally, physically, financially, etc. I've explored my own wants and needs, etc. etc. I feel very fortunate for my time for me!

Anyway... I HAPPENED upon this today which is CRAZY (cause I wasn't looking for it) and it parallels what I feel! Very interesting!

http://ivillage.feedroom.com/index.jsp?auto_band=x&rf=sv&fr_story=b756dee4ccc4c3d5d6d4930c83afda1c1eb18bf3

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 9:37pm

I think that our twenties are the time when we change the most.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 10:41pm

Well, maybe I am cynical, but...

I don't believe that people are meant to be together 40, 50, 60 years. People used to be DEAD by age 40!My parents were happily married for 47 years when my dad died. I think it is beautiful when it happens, but not realistic in today's world.

I myself married at 22 for ALL the wrong reasons. Frankly, the one reason I don't regret that marriage is that it taught me one valuable lesson: There are worse things than being single!!!

I believe in serial monogamy. Be faithful to the one you are with as long as it is working for one or both of you. When it no longer is a fulfilling relationship, have the decency to level with your partner before jumping into bed with someone else. Even my mother, devout Catholic as she is, now feels this way.

I would be thrilled to have ten good years with a man I was crazy about, then if he dropped dead or fell out of love with me...well, too bad, but at least I had those ten years.

Not a popular view, I know, but definitely the way I have come to think.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 11:06pm

I think that works only if you don't want kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 11:45pm

I think it is possible, but like others have said, its way too easy for people to give up and just cast people out of their lives. We live in an instant gratification society where if we dont get what we want right now, we move on. Relationships take work and committment and time and energy, something most people have focused on other areas of their lives like careers, vacations, money and success. People can have it all, but many live in a compartmentalized way of life. People also do the opposite in that they focus everything on their relationships and nothing on the rest of their lives which isnt healthy. I dont think you have to be married to someone to have a good long term relationship; some people are perfectly content in their relationships without making them legal. But I think its important to have some sort of long-term relationship or a series of long-term relationships in one's lifetime.

I think its part luck too. R and I are lucky in that both of us have parents who are still together and 2 generations of grandparents who are/were together until they became widowed. We have a stable steady foundation in our lives that we can build and reflect our own marriage upon.

I also think its good for people to explore and get to know themselves before settling down. I dont think its an age thing, I think its a maturity and life experience thing. At 25, I have been working continuously for 11 years, I have lived with roommates, lived on my own, had opportunities to travel, lived in a rural state, lived in the big city, taken care of myself financially, physically and emotionally and am set to start my career after I finish my advanced education. I am also engaged to be married to a stable, well-rounded healthy 25 year old man with the same life goals and ambitions as myself and the will and confidence to make our relationship work forever. Life throws us curveballs, there are no guarentees, and it takes both people facing them to come through together. Do I worry if we'll make it? Yes, to not worry is to be arrogant or foolish. Do I have confidence and faith we'll make it? Absolutely.

When R asked for my hand, my father told him that no matter what, we should not give up on each other. I think thats good advice for anybody in a long-term, healthy relationship.

Photobucket


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 6:48am

I agree, if you have kids you should try to make the marriage work for their sake. To do otherwise would be irresponsible. However, if a marriage is irreparably broken down, I don't think it's healthy for kids to be in that environment either.

For me, children are a moot point at this time in my life. Again, I think it's wonderful if people can maintain a solid relationship for life. But one need only look at the stats to say that the odds are against most people finding that. I think the only thing one can do, and what I myself am trying to do, is make damn sure that the person I eventually marry or am committed to is truly worth enduring the ups and downs of life with. Most people "settle", hence at least part of the reason for the high divorce rate--they weren't at all sure about their partners to begin with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 11:19am

See now... I feel like I'm playing the devil's advocate but really what does this: "Most people "settle", hence at least part of the reason for the high divorce rate--they weren't at all sure about their partners to begin with." have to do with anything!?

What if someone "settles" as you call it... as long as they are aware of what they are settling for... are you saying that only those that hold out for "true love" or what they think is their forever will make it? I mean I LITERALLY asked a couple of my girlfriends before their wedding "are you happy?" and they responded with a resounding YES! And went on to tell me they couldn't imagine their life without this person and they were the happiest they'd ever been - alot of good that got them. 10 years later apparently they CAN imagine their life without him and aren't so happy anymore.

So at the point of commitment and marriage - they weren't settling and they were 100% sure of their partner... but to me I'd much rather enter my marriage with a "is there a chance one or both of us will meet someone along the way that might interest us and give us the grass is greener feeling? is there a chance that 5, 10 years from now I'll wish I'd have thought longer and harder about marrying you? But am I sure that I love you today and WANT this to work?" and even saying that I feel unsure because just because I want it to work today, doesn't mean it will 10 years from now.

And further more, WHO CARES if 10 years from now I don't love him like I do today, who cares if I WISH I could live out my 40s or 50s with someone other than him... I made the COMMITMENT to him and whatever happened to just standing by your word REGARDLESS. Maybe the love will come back around, maybe it will forever be a marriage of commitment - people USE TO stand by that and "if you aren't happy don't stay in it" was never muttered! People STOOD BY the decision they made.

Yes, I'm scared. How could you not be when you know the facts and see how we've been led to believe if it isn't 100% or close to what you expect (even 5, 10, 20 years later) to walk away and go find what is! Forgive me but I feel like *I* am being more realistic than anyone who truly says "we will last". We ALL "want" to last... but I'm not sure it's realistic. That's all I'm saying! :p

Sorry - I guess I came back as intense as ever! Don't hold it against me and here's alittle funny - straight from the mouth of babes!

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, nine years old

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 11:38am

I think there are a number of reasons why marriages don't work out:


~ Sometimes people marry too young and they just aren't mature enough to make good choices in a partner.


~ People have unrealistic expectations about what a marriage/long term relationship is like - they think it's supposed to be all happy-happy, joy-joy all the time, but it's not - the truth is, no matter how much you love someone, there's gonna be things about that person that bug the HELL out of you.

Pages