Is forever realistic anymore?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Is forever realistic anymore?
17
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 8:37pm

Hi there! I've changed my name... I use to be feelingratherlost - Kristen here! :)

Just stopping in to see what's going on! I got on alittle over a week ago and spent some time reading. But now I have something to contribute so let me know what you think!

Is it really realistic to think marriage can last forever in today's world?

In 10 years I've watched one friend whom I stood next to at her wedding, pop out 4 kids with her man and they are now divorced because he dealt with his life stresses by turning to some hoes found in pitch weekly (they were among the most religious of my friends). I watched another friend lose 30 pounds after marriage and realize her skinny self wanted to go out and have fun, so bye bye husband. Another friend married, "accused" her husband of fooling around, when in my opinion she just wanted out and finally got her way. Another friend is currently going through a divorce after 10 years together (no kids) and she just decided one day she didn't "love" him anymore - "not like a wife should" and so they are divorcing!

Whatever happened to forever?

Maybe my view is rather skewed because there isn't ONE marriage within my line of sight that has lasted (their first and only) and where they are still happy together.

But here I am with the same guy after 10 years... but we aren't married. And I can't help but wonder... do I believe in marriage anymore? atleast "forever" marriage! I'm sure EVERYONE, including all my friends above, thought "I love him and want to be with him forever" before they married. They might have even thought they'd thought about things, for instance whether they were meant to be together and they must have come to the conclusion they were! And yet... here they are... divorced - or divorcing! So what makes a couple last forever? Or is it even possible in a society that has us believing if we aren't 100% happy to change our situation!

What happened to commitment - no matter what!?

I guess while I love my man more today than I did 10 years ago and after 10 years I STILL want to be with him and like those that have gone before me I WANT to grow old with him - I guess I can't be naive enough to think I won't end up right where so many have ended up. Is it realistic to think 10 years from now I will still love him, I will still want to be with him, neither of us will have found a reason to stray!?

Is it possible to truly commit in the 21st Century!?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 11:57am

Marriage is a worn-out, archaic institution. The creation of marriage had nothing to do with love. It was created as 1) a way for ancient male leaders to bind common men to a single woman so as they not intrude on their harems and bevies and 2) as a way to secure a dowry and continue a family line. If marriage is done away with in the 21st century, then good riddance. I can't count the number of people I've known who's lives have been destroyed by it.

Think about it. What is marriage? It's a contract issued by the state!

Why can't 2 loving people just move in together and cohabitate?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 12:36pm

I really don't think that cynical yet... I hope!? But I have to say *I* don't feel morally right cohabitating - and I'm not saying that for everyone I'm just saying for myself my morals are screaming at me these days - hence why I've felt compelled to really explore my feelings toward marriage and that's where I sit now.

I agree though that love isn't what marriage is all about. It's atleast 50% commitment and in a noncommittal world I'm not sure marriage is a forever thing.

Anyway... I've harped on this way too long and I'm probably ticking off or depressing people so I'll stop! :p

countrygirl - your post was very insightful and full of proven facts! I just wish it weren't the way things were! :(

Thanks for all who offered input! It helps me! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 1:22pm

Why can't 2 loving people just move in together and cohabitate?


They can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 1:31pm

I just wish it weren't the way things were! :(


I hear ya.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 2:35pm

Great points and an excellent post. There are a ton of reasons why marriages dont' work out and if you are willing to take a look at these things and soul search and know yourself and what you want as well as being mature, a good communicator, considerate of the other person's feelings then more than likely you will have a healthy marriage if the other person is the same way. This is no easy task though which is why so many marriages don't work out. But you can achieve it if you really want it.

On a side note to the posts about cohabitation:
I don't believe in cohabitation without engagement mainly because I've been there done that too many times and it never worked out, but also because why would a man want to make an commitment to marriage when he's getting all the benefits of living together and the sex and everything with cohabitation. I think it makes it more special and it's something to look forward too after engagement or after marriage. Just something that I now believe. I won't sway from that opinion because of my past experiences.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 6:33pm

I have to agree with some of you about living together without marriage. I don't believe in it, never have. I think it's a GREAT deal for men, not so great for women. I respect myself as a woman and a person too much to do it. From my experience, men MARRY the women they really love--there is no coercion, no gun-holding.

Even though my marriage didn't work out for many reasons(chief of which I was way too young and immature), there was never any guessing or worrying about whether my ex wanted to marry me. In fact, he wanted it more than I did. ( I was also the one who wanted the divorce)

I'm not crazy about Dr. Laura, but she is right about living together, in my view. Of course, there are a number of women out there who don't want committment, and I say living together is fine for them. I think they are in the minority, though. The majority (not all) women in relationships hope to get that ring.

As far as the forever discussion is concerned, I am a romantic and want to find a life's partner as much as the rest of you. There are just no guarantees in this life. Even if you have the best of intentions, your partner my change over time and decide he/she wants something or someone else. Not fair, but true. The only two people you can always count on in this life are yourself and God. To think otherwise is to set oneself up for great heartbreak. No one else will ever be there for you 100% of the time.

Anyway, I sincerely hope everyone here finds what they are looking for.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 6:47pm

"From my experience, men MARRY the women they really love--there is no coercion, no gun-holding."

I completely agree with this statement. We women need to remember this all the time that if a man is at a point to make a commitment in his life and he is in love with us, he will ask us to marry him. If we arent' the right ones chances are he won't.
I think with the living together situation it's like the getting the milk without buying the cow analogy.
I think we are intuitive enough to know how it would be like to live with a man without actually living with him. If we already spend the night at his place and hang out all weekend with him, this is actually getting a taste of what it really is like. Sure there may be some differences when you actually do live with someone and you might find some obstacles which is normal, but if you are married to the person you are more willing to work those differences out than just walk away from the situation. Commitment is a decision and not only just for love because you won't always be in love with your partner. There will always be some doubts and hardships, but if you are with the right one you will fall back in love again, is what I hear from those in long term marriages that have worked.

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